Best relationship match for INFP


Hi Blake (and others):

I seem to recall that Blake wrote somewhere that ESFJ was the best (romantic) relationship match for an INFP. Am I remembering correctly, Blake (and others)? Where can I find your writing on that topic? I think it was in comments on “INFP (with Frequent Reference to INFJ)”, but not sure.


Your MBTI Soulmate

Jesus, I don’t remember where in the comments I wrote that. There is so many comments on Stellar Maze and they aren’t organized. It could just as well be on that article you referenced, not sure.

But, the basic gist of what I’m getting at for that is that any type that has the same basic function at the dominant function, but in the opposite attitude orientation (introversion/extraversion) + the same auxiliary and tertiary functions in the reverse order (one type’s auxiliary is the other type’s tertiary and vice-versa) will make…in theory…the most perfect relationship possible between types.

Now, there is a lot of caveats with that statement because in the first place I’m not even sure that it is likely that an INFP will naturally gravitate towards the ESFJ type. These type of relationships (perfect, best?) are not necessarily, nor likely to be, the ones which are first considered as viable options for romantic connections. And indeed, that is not really their primary scope.

Maybe the best name for this type of relationship would be soulmate, since I hear the word soulmate being bandied about quite a bit these days.

However, a soulmate relationship isn’t necessarily going to be the one that is the most romantic.

It kind of goes above the romantic, transcends that. It is perfection in relationship. At least, in theory. About the theoretical part of that formula, I’m certain.

In actual practice, well, it’s likely to be a lot messier and less clear than all that. And like I said, it’s far from being the first instinct of a type (I think) to search for the type that is their soulmate.

I mean, if you are just looking for cheap thrills, sex, and romance, your natural soulmate is likely to be somewhat disappointing in this regard. Which is not to say they aren’t attractive to you, it’s just they might not be burningly attractive to you, if you get my meaning. It might not be obvious.

I think these type of relationships are the most mature and end-stage type relations of any Myers-Briggs type, which is to say a type might arrive at this type of relationship after they have been through more extremes of relating in quote on quote unhealthy or immature ways. The id and inferior functions are implicated in these extremes and immaturity.

For example, I don’t think I’ve noticed that INFPs are attracted to ESFJs in their earlier years. Actually, I think I’ve noticed that INFP tends to be more viscerally attracted to the ENFJ type. That relationship seems more exclusively romantic/sexual in nature. However, I think that an INFP will tire of that dynamic as they mature. There is too much id activation in that relationship.

No, I think when an INFP kind of mellows out a bit and sort of accepts their mellow and easy-going nature, they will naturally gravitate to the ESFJ type. As a matter of fact, they will start to resemble the ESFJ type as they mature. In a sense, this is what I call the highest integration (of the ego), when one starts to resemble their soulmate or perfect partner.

In practice though, I rarely see these type of relationships. But, I think they are most ideal type of relationships for the end goal of what relating implies.

Your MBTI Soulmate

Boom! In your face! Suck it!


Thanks for hunting this down, Erika! Good stuff. (But do I have to suck it?)


Thanks so much for this reply, Blake. Your insight is awesome and very helpful. Your hypothesis of the ideal M-B relationship, from a functions perspective, is fascinating. I had a 12-year marriage to an ESFP (a thrill ride) and am just finishing a 3-year marriage to an INFJ (full of intensity and growth and torture). Hanging out with a couple ESFJ women now…feels affirming and easy…with plenty of attraction.

Anyhow, I appreciate your help and your usual brilliance!


That’s too bad. It is like unnecessary striving. Probably doesn’t help if growing up you also had to strive. So many of us are just striving to make things work with each other.

Can’t stand to think about it really. Ill-fitting pieces.


You have to at least lick it.


*Reaches for popcorn *


You can lick too, but you’ll have to set down the popcorn for that.


You underestimate my skills.


I will report how it goes with the ESFJ(s), Blake! Thx again.


You’re absolutely welcome. Have fun!


This is the comment I immediately thought of, more generalized description of the idea behind the “soulmate” for each type.

Teehee, it’s funny to see Blake say “Jesus, I don’t remember where I wrote that” hehehehehe


Thank you, @alikesalander! Interesting! Soulmate…sigh…maybe we should start a thread about love and stuff?




do it erika. start a relationship/advice thread! lol
i can even give bad advice!!!


Relationship thread–fun!

I like the idea of soulmate; the problem is finding examples of those IRL. Perhaps because so few actually marry late in life when a soulmate is the type most wanted? The happy-in-a-relationship INFPs females I know are all married to male INTPs. It is a very peaceful, compatible, respectful type of relationship. But perhaps not one with the most growth.

I know a couple of INFP/ISTP marriages in my family that lasted over 30 years. The ISTP benefits much more, and the INFP stays since it is not one that has a clear reason for leaving (abuse, violation of principles), but they often are unfulfilled or taken advantage of.


Maybe, maybe!!! There’s so much to cover!!! (I would love your “bad” advice Prax!)


I love the idea of a soulmate. And I think a lot of other people like the idea as well. But, what does a soulmate relationship look like? Maybe I focus too much on what the definition means to others instead of what it means to me. All I know is I don’t like perfect. Perfect is boring. So for me, soulmate doesn’t mean perfect. Maybe for me, it just means the best companion for me. I dunnnnooooo.


To me it means “zing” with great communication, mutual support of each others’ life paths, and commitment to growth.