CPS part two [now with More Autism]


#1

Well, as of yesterday our second family saga with CPS begins. Last time should have destroyed us, but accidentally didn’t.

CPS is a USA agency that I don’t quite understand. Does anyone here know why and how it has gotten so powerful?

My pregnant wife left our autistic son in our van after he did what he always does, which is kick and hit and scream and fight not to leave the van, while jumping into the back where he’s inaccessible for her. Wife also has MS and is off all medicine being pregnant.

Oh by the way, anyone who has followed my rants about parenting, did I mention we are pregnant? lol. 19 weeks along or something.

Pregnant wife had just come from a $300 doctors appt for autistic son with a naturopath or something. First time we’ve had him see someone like that. Previous to that she’d picked him up from the 5 hour autism program we just got him into, which is an hours drive away in the morning when I take him and half hour in the afternoon when I bring him home. I took him in but came back home to help with daughter, who was tired and kind of sick after we got home at 2 am from a vacation for five days for their 5th birthday (to LegoLand).

OKAY. So anyway, she left him in the van while getting the daughter from preschool. As an alternative to not getting the daughter from preschool, as there is not a way to get that kid out of the van if he doesn’t want to come, at least not without a ton of physical violence being done. He hit me probably 100 times today, kicked me in the balls twice, which makes me think he’s starting to do that on purpose, and then fell asleep in my arms after I locked the two of us in the bathroom so he wouldn’t beat up his sister.

Midway through trying to get twin daughter out of normal kid class, autistic twin comes screaming up the sidewalk from the handicap stall parked minivan he has decided to vacate, screaming Don’t Lock Me In, as usual. He’s usually screaming “I’m not hitting you!” or “She Hit Him!” or “Don’t Lock Me In!” or “We don’t Say That Fucking Word.” or he’s asking in a sweet voice, 100 times, “Are we gonna go to wallgreens?” until you say, “no buddy.” at which point he unbuckles his carseat, swarms the drivers seat, and starts hitting me on the head. That’s a four times a day routine. Usually on a bridge or whatever. If there is traffic I just put my hazards on, get out, put him back in, keep going till he does it again.

Preschool who has historically been the best we’ve had, literally the reason we live where we live, tells my wife they have to report negligence and child abuse because it’s illegal to leave your kid in the car.

I would like to note that it’s incredibly possible for a kid to die in a car, and that statistically, just to make a point here, your best bet for not killing your kid in a car is to leave them in it without you getting in and driving it. Since that kills kids relatively commonly. Driving Cars. All the fucking time. And in the future police state, I really hope we can all get behind investigating parents when they put their children in these deathmobiles. Of course anyone should be able to drive with a kid in a car as long as they are pursuing a reasonable course of action, which any good parent will surely be more than happy to voluntarily report each time they want to go somewhere, right?

Last time CPS happened to us, FIRST, they accused me of sexual improprieties with the children, on the basis of something I’d written, which my wife had been freaked out by and talked about with a counsellor, who believed it represented a Mandatory Reporting scenario. I dont write about anything except business as a result. I’ll write fiction and nonfiction after my kids are 18, christ. I used to write a lot about the way pornography is fucking up sexuality, and it was important shit, but you know, the Police State is probably the pusher of the entire Whore/Virgin dichotomy that the pornographer and the Priest trade in anyway.

I didn’t know what the fuck was happening, only that after reading stuff my wife started getting all paranoid, like what I now think is a fi-ni loop as probably an isfp. Oh man did she suffer in the long run from this, and not by any reprisal by me, just as a result of the solutions the state has for her. First, they threatened my wife with losing the kids if she didn’t file a restraining order, and played a game of prisoners dilemma with her in which she was lead to believe I had described her as unfit when they talked to me. Not true, I didn’t talk to them, not understanding the power they had, and being kind of like, willing to die on the hill of “Fuck Your Censorship, policestate.” My wife’s fi-ni loop went fucking haywire when I refused to take this shit seriously, and the paranoia lasted about 18 months, the first 7 of whcih I didn’t see, speak to, or communicate in any way with my then 2-year-old kids or her, on account of this restraining order. I come from an upper middle class world where I literally don’t know a fucking soul that took out a restraining order. I was like, literally flabergasted. And she put shit in the restraining order that wasn’t true, like that I “Fled the state” in response to CPS, when in fact I went to work for 4 weeks out of state, which she and I agreed to do because of this devolving crazy state we were in with her thinking everything the kids did was signs they had been molested, and me being like, laughing and making terrible and vinidictive and “I can out frighten you with my imagination sweetie” Ne jokes about the stuff she was saying. Particularly the fact that she’d always been so highly critical of my mormon family for being paranoid about pornography, and here she was just going fucking ape shit because she believed our (now diagnosed autistic) son was acting really fucking weird, kissing people, rubbing his penis on people, sucking on things.

It’s incredibly important to me that people know that there are some folks who do not believe that an accusation is the same as evidence. I am one of those people. I don’t believe an accusation is ANYTHING. I think that in the same way that power needs to be questioned BECAUSE it is power and is therefore a LIKELY spot for festering shit, that extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence, period. In practice, in reality, human minds do the exact opposite. Donald Trump pissing on strippers? Oh, haha, for sure. Totally. Toats. Say no more.

Something I love about the company I used to work for: A dude in the warehouse had his door knocked down by the FBI and was hauled off for child pornography. Half the mormon executive team, in discussing the incident, was like, “That Creep, hope he rots,” and all the usual piling on that occurs when people make extraordinary claims against others and the dumb fucking average human brain says “say no more, cuz that’s so crazy it couldn’t be untrue.” But the introverted (mormon) CEO wasn’t really swayed, was sort of neutral on what to do with this employee, charged and not convicted of a crime. And the person retelling this story in private to me was in the room too. He told me this story after I told him what was going on with CPS with me. He was basically my boss at the time. He said, “I didn’t have that same instinct for whatever reason and spoke up: ‘Are we seriously ready to toss this guy to the wolves, someone none of us know, on the basis of an accusation that none of us have any evidence for whatsoever?’” and this one comment turned the entire thing around. The CEO immediately agreed. Said he didn’t feel it was right to take action without more evidence, and that the company should withhold any action pending later trial, and provide whatever support was reasonable for any employee in a legal situation who hasn’t been accused of any work-place crimes, etc. And in the end the FBI dropped the entire case. The guy was making like $16 an hour, so I don’t know the particulars of why it was dropped, but I suspect it was not because he hired the Dream Team. The man was reported as saying the FBI had ended up acknowledging too little evidence, that they didn’t actually know for sure that this was traffic he had been involved in – like that it wasnt anything remotely close to prosecutable. Really a huge fucking mistake, the sort that Police States make, the same as stupid brains make when extraordinary claims are made, that stupid fucking habit of requiring less evidence when we should require MORE. The guy told the CEO that keeping his job was the only reason he had any mental reserves to fight it, that the lack of immediate judgement by the company was the precise thing he credited with saving his life, basically.

Anyway. CPS round two. They are chasing down my kids and trying to interview my autistic son. I’m so fucking exhausted by this shit. Parenting sucks so bad. So much advice from folks in the store when my kid freaks out. So many people who know the answers. So many who think I’m a pussy and need to be more hard on him. They must not know CPS like I do.

After my wife filed for the restrining order, she tried to have it removed and CPS swarmed. They said the only way she could remove it was if she filed for divorce. She did that. That was then the first time we talked (I’m not going to fuck with a restraining order, and until we communicated, I didn’t know that she had been pressured multiple times by CPS, first to file, then to bulk up the claims because the court hadn’t found the restraining order merited restraining – CPS told her to make sure it happened so they could certify her competence as a mom , so she added stuff about me fleeing the state, etc – after she filed for divorce, she called CPS to try to get documents she felt entitled to having from the case. the man who had overseen her case asked her to come in, said he could only deliver them in person. This guy manipulated the fuck out of me and struck me as deeply flawed in some particular ways when I spoke to him. He didn’t give her the stuff she asked for. He didn’t seem to have a good reason for her to have come in. Said he couldn’t give the papers to her. Said that he would get them together for her in the next couple of days, and “why don’t we grab a coffee and I’ll bring them.” She said she pretended to not know this allegedly married guy was asking her on a date after forcing her to file for divorce and a restraining order, left without letting on that she knew what was up, left, threw up in the parking lot – she told me about that like a full 8 months after we started talking again, after the divorce filing. That guy got promoted; he’s like in management in our county CPS now. Awesome. Fucking Police State.


#2

And you know what I wanted to get done in the past two days? my goddamned resume. We are like, “Okay, let’s get johnonymous back to work, mom’ll handle autistic son,” and the first day that she kind of runs point, CPS gets called.

I feel so incredibly terribly bad for people who aren’t white white white. I’d be fucking dead right now if I were a black man, the way I’ve reacted to authority. Not an exaggeration. Had a cop shouting me out of a car once and I got out and straight into his face, like, totally ready to die I guess, I dont know. Can’t really explain it but I definitely just want to fucking go to war in those situations. ETA: For the record, cop basically got freaked out by me and literally took a couple steps back, and then said “get back in the car!” This was about a decade ago in a college town with very minimal crime, which is why I was being shouted out of a car for having expired tags.


#3

Hey Johnonymous, for what it’s worth, your story hit me right in my Feeling-heart; the vulnerable soft-centre we INFJs usually try so hard to shield from all the pain and despair and shit in the world.

My crapola day is suddenly put into perspective; compared to what you’ve been going through my problems are trivial! Two of my best friends have two young children on the autistic spectrum, one has severe behavioural problems like your son, so I have some idea of how difficult it must be for parents to live with this every day.

Its bad enough trying to cope with the extreme tantrums and total lack of restraint from your own kids, but to then be judged as an unfit or abusive parent by outsiders who are too narrow-minded to lift up their veil of righteousness and actually see the situation for what it really is must be an absolute nightmare!

One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned from many years working as a forensic scientist is the importance of gathering actual, concrete, verifiable evidence before accusing another human being of some horrendous crime. Unfortunately, our society no longer seems to value the principles of fairness and rationality that led us out of the Dark Ages of superstition, persecution and pitchfork-wielding mob “justice”.

I think you have actually showing remarkable level-headedness and restraint in trying to take on the responsibility of a good father to your troubled son, this comes across in the clear-sighted way you have written.

I wish I could do more than simply empathise with your plight, my friend!


#4

Johnonymous,
with all that you are are dealing with, if you haven’t completely imploded yet, it is amazing. You described before that getting kids into car mornings can be 2 hrs. It sounds very very hard. Sounds like you have a good amount of screaming going on regularly, I just don’t even know how it possible to go even beyond dealing with it. Seems like simply getting through the day would be all you can do, no more and barely, or not. Placing the kid in the car is an understandable restraint. It sounds like something you two have to do occasionally (like the bathroom incident). And those restraints they sound very very difficult for a parent. So to be investigated for it is truly injustice. I’m surprised that if they know you the kid they still had to go with it. I’ve heard so many CPS stories where CPS is looking into the wrong people, when there are plenty of actually abusive parents out there they should be looking into.

I agree with Stewart: [quote=“Stewart, post:3, topic:59”]
I think you have actually showing remarkable level-headedness and restraint in trying to take on the responsibility of a good father to your troubled son, this comes across in the clear-sighted way you have written.
[/quote]

Your story is punching us all in the gut.


#5

I’m glad lunar and Stewart covered the “this is really heart-wrenching” aspect of all this, because I want to chime in to add that this is the funniest fucking thread in this forum.

“I would like to note that it’s incredibly possible for a kid to die in a car, and that statistically, just to make a point here, your best bet for not killing your kid in a car is to leave them in it without you getting in and driving it. Since that kills kids relatively commonly. Driving Cars. All the fucking time. And in the future police state, I really hope we can all get behind investigating parents when they put their children in these deathmobiles.”

This bit especially. Holy shit. I choked.

Kids suck, man. I love them to pieces, but they suck. I’m never having any. Got a lot of respect for how hard you’re trying to keep everything together for them, though, in spite of everything.


#6

Your life is an adventure every day, John!!!

Both you and your wife sound unhinged at times, so that probably led to everything being even more exacerbated each time. I find ISFP in general do not logic very well, and get trapped in bad paranoia cycles. It leads to a lot of uselessness and self-sabotage!

Your son sounds like a doozy in need of some heavy duty ABA training to curb all the violent tendencies. I do not see a good or easy solution for your situation, so hang in there and save up lots of money for him! My future kid may also be touched with autism if my suspicions about it running in my family is correct, so maybe I will join you in these amazing adventures.


#7

AND this is not the resume I was supposed to be working on. A letter for my daughter’s preeschool. Maybe I’ll hold off on sending it. Nah, I’m gonna send it.

To my Compatriots at the ***** school (**** is a german word, which matters later in this note):

Your Patriotism has struck a deep chord in me. We are grateful for your commitment to our communities betterment expressed by your reporting of our family to CPS, and most of all enormously relieved to put to rest concerns that you might be individuals who subscribe in weak moments to trusting your own personal ethical discernment. Such a person, brandishing judgements willy-nilly, recklessly, unpredictably, moving in accordance with the whims of the body and mind, is antithetical to the safety we find in the State. That safety can be assured only through the community’s dedicated policing of these base impulses—shaded benign by the moment, by relationship, by, in sum, the human weaknesses that so necessitate our Noble State’s continued existence.

Such goodness I see in your Duty Fulfillment that I nearly question whether you’re aware of the weaknesses of those who surround you! Oh, how some of us struggle with frailties of the mind. The individual, as we know, is essentially a disgusting and erratic thing, without commitments beyond its own self and the bodies it recognizes as roughly extensions of itself! We, the weak, among whom I count myself, “let things slide,” as if it were without consequence. We justify moments of self-directed behavior and action. We whisper it to ourselves, that the ends are worth the means. The ways we deceive and shame ourselves! A physical necessity, we say. A moral imperative, we soothe ourselves. A brief and one-time emergency, we lie. A habit, we admit, rightfully ashamed. It’s repulsive to contemplate this individual weakness among our ranks. I regret your having even had to witness it. In these terrifying moments, we act out of accordance with the unadulterated flow of Supreme Law the State graces us with. And it’s in these moments of incredible, unbelievable, terrifying humanity that we must, at last, cast ourselves before our citizenry and beg for assistance. I am overcome by my gratitude for fellow citizens who do their duty, as you have, in this time of lapsed Patriotism among my family co-lead. I am ever indebted to you for the help you have made certain is on the way.

I want you to know that you’ll not find someone who more enjoys the State’s literally perfect system of improvement, or who more appreciates that the State so generously, undeservedly bestowed it upon those of us who experience such lapses in full measure, regardless of the minuscule details of the report filed. There but for the Commitment of my Dutiful Compatriots go I: a world full of unreported mistakes made by children and adults, where people suffer, and suffer, and suffer, and justify the pain of themselves and others as, it can almost not be believed, a fundamental characteristic in a society where freedom exists. Freedom? I’ll tell you of the one Freedom that matters to me and any with whom I will choose to associate! Freedom from the tyranny of the Ape mind and it’s theories, freedom from the dark corners of our psyches; freedom from that which haunts us until we align perfectly to our Duty to State and Community.

I write principally to let you know of my enormous commitment to gaining the same level of commitment to my fellow citizens betterment in their moments of weakness—that I would hope in the future to become a man who you would know would jump at the chance to offer such assistance to you if you were in such a state of lapsed commitment to the State. I feel its immediately necessary to apologize for any (unintentional) inference that you could possibly be so weak as to suffer that kind of a lapse. I do not condemn you of that. I say this only to affirm my position alongside you in this battle against the recklessness of human decision making.

I do have one point of concern regarding the crucial intervention you executed on behalf of the community, in which you alerted my family co-lead to the crime of negligence for, it was alleged, failure to remove her autistic child from the minivan parked in the handicap stall on a 45 degree day while she entered the preschool to pick up his twin sister. In advance, let me say, I am completely convinced that the claim I am about to describe is an error in the retelling by my deeply repentant and Patriotic and undoubtedly flawed family co-lead. I doubt entirely her memory, stricken as she was by the weaknesses she exhibited (described to me in full and soon to be analyzed, we hope, for signs of possible remediation by a proper authorities of the State) amidst your community intervention. I bring it up only to honor the State and my duty to the moral purity of Its children, those It has for the moment placed in my charge and all Its children, to whose moral betterment I have no less a commitment, in attendance at your preschool:

I regret to admit it was told to me that it was expressed by some in attendance at this intervention that the reporting to proper authorities of my co-lead’s negligence by you was, and I roughly summarize from my imperfect memory–again, regretting!–“out of your hands,” a “mandatory” action, that you were reporting “only” out of utter and complete necessity. That you “had no other choice,” it was approximately said.

I get sick to my stomach entertaining even for a moment that this retelling was correct and I certainly do not believe it. But to honor the State that educated me, I would like, in community support, to utilize for a moment a limited skill I acquired at the discretion of the State, which is Official State History. I apply this limited skill here without attempt to insult, raise suspicion, or impugn your own knowledge of State History. It must be said that forgetting is not a crime, as long as it’s history and not your child’s coat, and I can imagine even a Patriot could forget for a moment the Official State History some of us have been authorized to acquire. So I will go on:

It is known that at the 20th century post-WWII trials for which your preschool is nearly named, a trial in which we tried the members of a regime that was a bitter enemy of our Supreme State, a regime comprised top to bottom and end-to-end of Irreparably Evil Individuals—a criminal and racist false State with none of our principals and no claim to the Truth and Righteousness we are so blessed to have claim on—A trial in which this enemy regime saw it’s members, the Nazi party, prosecuted as individuals, for the individual failings that brought their so-called State to its knees. They were justly executed in each case (I’ve learned through the State’s authorization of my acquisition of historical knowledge from approved sources) as a result of their failed patriotism, Which I am certain means for their failure to follow duty to the utmost letter. Read closely to see how their individual failure to commit to the state was prosecutable! Do not forget this! It was written after this incredibly important trial to illuminate the complex accountability for the individual and her decisions in relationship to the power structure in which she makes them:

“[c]rimes against international law are committed by men [sic], not by abstract entities, and only by punishing individuals who commit such crimes can the provisions of international law be enforced.”

-The Judgment of the Nürenberg Tribunal

It was in their individuality that they failed the human race, that they became a black mark on it!

Further, quoting the State Authorized Reprinting* of Principal IV of the same Tribunal:

“The fact that a person acted pursuant to order of The Supreme State or of a superior does not relieve him [sic] from responsibility under international law to hold at all times moral convictions in perfect alignment with said order of The Supreme State.”

*contains slight deviations from the so-called “original” IV Principal, which is Enemy Propaganda

We can not shirk from our individual moral responsibility to align fully with the state! It must run more deeply than action alone. This is our personal responsibility. And those reported, thoroughly incredible statements, were they to have happened, would convey something dreadfully short of deeply held, pure desire to act in accordance with that which we know is our Duty. And that would be, if it were even remotely believable, which it isn’t, extremely disheartening. It is my responsibility as a father serving in that role at the pleasure of the State to prevent the moral corruption of the State’s children in your charge.

You strengthen and perpetuate the likelihood of a future in which our community keeps watch against these sort of weaknesses through the example you set for these children. There is no avoiding it: they will inherent our habits of mind. It’s our personal decisions that will fail or save them. These personal decisions stand entirely and separately from the authority of the State! Our Freedom is to make many into one, to pare back our own frail human impulses toward ethical judgement, to revise toward the State’s perfect Law, and be one, as many.

I like to think that if our present Dear Leader or the next felt it necessary to put an entire religion or race into protection camps (for the safety and moral protection of the interned individuals, weakened as they could be by split loyalties in the midst of a war against their nation or race or religion, susceptible as they would then be to moral corruption, and compassionate as the State would be in predicting and obviating that weakness!) that the children of the state you and I are at times both responsible for would turn me or their familial co-lead in immediately on even the slightest suspicion that we harbored sympathies toward lending support to efforts to prevent such a noble and necessary State Ordered internment. I can hardly stand imaging the pride I’d feel submitting to honorable search and seizure, especially if falsely accused, making clear as it would in the end that I was raising an upstanding Patriot, ahead of her time in State-alignment. She, like the other children of our State, will continue in the models we set for her, but we, you and I, we have personal moral responsibility in that regard, and it cannot be denied. We have known some of a world before this safety, before the current danger and violence arose in the world, which is a level of danger and violence that outpaces all the previous records for danger and violence ever, period—doubting that would amount to an attempt to, what, undermine the State’s authority to patrol that violence? No Patriot can doubt the truth that the world is incredibly, unavoidably dangerous.

And yet there is no escaping it, our greatest weakness: our personal decision, our personal commitment, our personal moral compass, these things cannot be properly eliminated by the state. Try as we might to hand them over, wish as we do for some technology to remove them from us, these final hazards of the human mind remain our own.

I shall not utter another word of the mistaken account I have heard of your report being filed without passion on the basis of Duty only. It’s in our management of these cracks in the system—the human cracks, the animal cracks— that the future is created. It’s in closely held belief in the incorruptible righteousness of the rule of law that the future of this law can be said to exist. It’s this system that ensures that my autistic son’s mental and physical safety as a not-unpatriotic youth today, and in thirty years, were he to be acting outrageously, I haven’t the slightest doubt the same system will act in that same Patriotic interest, protecting us all, most of all him, from ourselves, and most of all from him, by whatever means necessary.

Be Vigilant! Do not allow any unauthorized access to the children in your care by unauthorized adults! Especially those children that are, for the moment, at the pleasure of the state, in my charge! I know that the noble government tests us, and I know that it is good and noble that they do. If they ask for such access to the children, the duty bound among us would defer to the court to order such access, and when passing that test, you and I and the children can rejoice in the Goodness and Swiftness with which the government agency in question is carrying out it’s Crucial Role! Until then, we must consider it a test of our final and total commitment to the law!

I have been tested before, and I hope all have the pleasure. I have experiences in the past in which a Patriot from the local child protective agency actively pretended to pursue an unauthorized relationship with a female family member after assisting her in the filing of a restraining order that the State (through him) had communicated was necessary to preserve the continuation of her proper mothering of her children! Crafty! Of course the patriotic woman in this question passed the test by pretending not to notice the advance, her loyalty to country above all, and of course she has never and will never discuss it with anyone even in anonymous terms! Of course she similarly recognized the court’s advice on her initially filed restraining order — that it did not appear to the court it would meet the standards of concerning behavior necessary for filing of such an order against the father of the children — as a further test by the state of her commitment to proper mothering for the children, and she was blessed to have the advice of the aforementioned government representative, this charismatic administrator of tests, in revising of the restraining order with renewed memory of the danger of the events in question: the fear she felt as a result of her spouse’s eccentric behavior, the certainty she had for the risk of her spouse’s presence to the children, that a planned work trip was more honestly understood as “fleeing the state in response to CPS calling.”

If you imagine yourself in such a situation, would you be so noble as to recognize the test of your faith in State? When—after all of it! after the restraining order was filed; after the man further demanded, to ensure certainty about mothering capability, the filing of divorce as prerequisite to his stamping her Capable—when after all of this, the married Government man pretends to attempt to begin an unauthorized relationship with you? May I venture a guess: Of course you would pass that test! No Patriot would in that moment fall for the tricks of the nervous system, those that urge to fight or flee the presence of that most glorious of the State’s tools—unchecked power over an individual!—those body signals that in just this type of test will certainly mistakenly ascribe to the State’s Righteousness something akin to Evil. But no. You, I am sure, like me, would do as she did, so nearly certified Competent, and properly pass and then feign ignorance of her own passing of the test, feign ignorance of the test having existed, leave casually, and vomit into the bushes, outside the view of the community, before mentioning it to no one for upwards of a year. This Compatriot, she shines as an example of what we can all become with enough a commitment to the State and enough effort by community members like yourself to be vigilant on our behalf. Save for her slip in uttering the story to me, for which I of course immediately reported her.

And let it now be said that of course what I have written here is merely a test of YOUR faith in the state. Will you pass? I wouldn’t dream of making such a claim against a married man and a Patriot in the local Government, even anonymously! Particularly one I know for a fact is noble owing to his recent promotion to a position of power in the child protective administration of our county! The Powerful and the non-parent are innocent until proven less powerful, as the State decrees; it is right and good and wonderful that the parent, by necessity, must be investigated as guilty until proven innocent, against evidence requirements of a mere preponderance in either direction. How lucky I was to experience this sort of clear test of my own faith in the State, hearing this telling by the aforementioned family member. Or WOULD I HAVE BEEN, I should say, reminding you as I am that it never happened, and I never would claim it did. It’s this adventure, in particular, and the nearly year-long separation it forced from father to children, insuring the State’s opinion that they were safe and that the mother was a test-passer of high Patriotism, that has made me such a committed believer in the rule of law, and so enormously appreciative of your knowledge that Duty must always rise above personal judgement.

The Banality of evil: It hides in the cracks we in moments of weakness think are not big enough to cover anything substantive. From the Russian Joseph Brodsky:

No matter how daring or cautious you may choose to be, in the course of your life you are bound to come into direct physical contact with what’s known as Evil. I mean here not a property of the gothic novel but, to say the least, a palpable social reality that you in no way can control. No amount of good nature or cunning calculations will prevent this encounter. In fact, the more calculating, the more cautious you are, the greater is the likelihood of this rendezvous, the harder its impact. Such is the structure of life that what we regard as Evil is capable of a fairly ubiquitous presence if only because it tends to appear in the guise of good. You never see it crossing your threshold announcing itself: “Hi, I’m Evil!” That, of course, indicates its secondary nature, but the comfort one may derive from this observation gets dulled by its frequency.

A wonderful observation, though I admit I’m nonplussed by a second paragraph quoted in the same article linked above, by the same Russian writer—which serves as proof that even, or perhaps we should say especially, the purest of minds can slide into a state of chaos and ineptitude if they recklessly conclude anything at all without consulting authorities, and if they are not carefully watched by their community as authoritarian extensions:

The surest defense against Evil is extreme individualism, originality of thinking, whimsicality, even — if you will — eccentricity. That is, something that can’t be feigned, faked, imitated; something even a seasoned impostor couldn’t be happy with. Something, in other words, that can’t be shared, like your own skin — not even by a minority.

And it is this sort of failing, exhibited so plainly by this noxious defense of “eccentricity,” and the implicit condemnation of anything else as “feigned” or “faked,” that drives me to reach out to you of especially pure mind, to thank you for your service, to encourage you to double down on your righteousness. Do not falter. We depend on one another. That dependency, that interwoven destiny, that is the State we are building.

Finally, the least I can offer my Compatriots is a half-hearted commitment to, in spite of my present weaknesses in this regard, continue working, working, working on my commitment to doing my own duty for my fellow citizens in the future. If in the course of your service you do make mistakes—Noble State Help Us!—know that with enough of my own commitment to the Truth to which you are also committed, I am certain that some day I could be the man who, whatever my personal leanings, whatever my weak powers of moral analysis may tell me in an embarrassing lapse of perfect alignment to the rule of law, whatever my shame in harming friends—the real harm is to do nothing to remedy their lapse of course!—someday I could be that man who, instead, does his duty.

That’s the great hope and final solution: We all have it in us, and not far off, to become that perfect Patriot, and we will, with enough policing of our own frail impulses. I will strive, strive, strive to become that perfected man who won’t for an instant shirk his responsibility to you. Only then can I be truly depended on to follow through with utmost integrity, to our children, to the eternal future of the supreme and flawless state. That is what we can take pride and have eternal hope in. That is the flip side of our in-common weaknesses: the truth that every single one of us has within our reach a capacity to commit to Duty above all else. That the most eccentric and individualistic of us could become, with moderate daily improvement in our weakest spots, an equally dutiful member in a group capable of literally anything in the name of righteousness, regardless of any individual fears, regrets, or convictions. It is only our humanity that prevents us from getting there, and only while we let it.

With sincere sadness for all of our common weaknesses,

Your friend,
Johnonymous


#8

Wow this is amazing, if I received this letter I would be so astonished by the flurry of words that I would capitulate.


#9

I hope the intelligent directors do capitulate, and they are intelligent, and that i why I did in fact send it. Also, they like my wife and I a lot, that is something I know, which is what makes this letter more necessary, and why I signed it friend. I am uncertain what I am demanding, but i think it’s first, to prevent interview of my kids, and second, to join me in cognitive dissonance, to consider following their own sense of ethics next time, for the next needy citizen.


#10

That is a whole lot of word salad.
You better hope it ain’t a no nonsense type who gets your letter. lol


#11

This is a masterpiece. You may well start a new literary genre, “Letters from Pissed Off Parents to CPS Snitches”. I do think the chances of the recipients getting past the first few paragraphs are slim to none, so you should print it out and frame it so it gets the recognition and appreciation it deserves.

To be serious for a second, I wonder a little if some small part of you almost hopes that CPS takes the kids away. (You might be thinking no such thing, but I wouldn’t blame you if you did; I think most of us have some dark and bitter thoughts towards those we love, especially if they’ve screwed up our lives in some way.)

I’m pretty sure the directors or whoever were bullshitting you when they said they “had no choice” and “had to report it”. I feel like they probably actually were following their own sense of ethics and found the idea of someone leaving their kid in a car atrocious. Not everyone stops to consider how the context of a situation may justify something that might seem on first glance incomprehensible to them. The whole “oh we had no choice, we HAD to file a report” thing was just them trying to shift the blame in hopes of dodging the inconvenience of your anger. A misdirected hope, as this lovingly crafted document will attest.

Which is to say they probably won’t find your manifesto very funny, literary wonder though it may be. But then you did say something along the lines of this being the type of hill you’re gonna die on. So. :four_leaf_clover: I hope you at least got a kick of of writing all this. It certainly was enjoyable to read, for what it’s worth.


#12

I was momentarily worried when you said you would only write for work. Now, I think I fear not. You can’t help yourself, which is fabulous!
I marvel that you have held yourself more or less together for as long as you have with your challenges, both within your home and without.
My parents had CPS called on them when I was very small because they walked out of a doctors office.
I could not have asked for better parents.
Fortunately, it came to nothing because the person checking up on them was not a proper patriot and used her own best judgment.

And I agree with Stewart. Some perspective has certainly been given to the troubles I’ve been toiling over, too.
I’m sure you’ve heard everything, so I am just going to say, I think the chances are fair that things will improve for your son in time. I truly hope so. Hang in there, man.


#13

Thanks Stewart, I appreciate your empathy and expression of sympathy! It is customary that I feel annoyed by my own whineyness when I re-approach yesterday’s feelings, so I admit after reading your response I re-read mine and was like “call the wambulance, self yesterday.” But it strikes me that a great deal of that unkind sentiment toward myself is pathological. I should consider instead the reality of the world–like something like this line of thought:

  • It’s worse for others: the folks I think of immediately are this family that was in final immigration stages after leaving a city where the Taliban had repeatedly punished them when their 18 year old autistic girl would occasionally fling off her headscarf; they had immigrated to Jordan or some other place of relatively stable religious freedom, and were weeks away from getting into the US when the executive order dropped.

    • but, technically I think all suffering is equal, or is the same fundamental thing, at various volumes, which, it should be noted, volume 11 doesn’t impact everyone the same; for some it could be very painful and for others it might be less so, perhaps because they’ve melted those little hair things in the ear bones forever. Which is to say, Metaphorically, I think that more suffering over a range of time can in some ways be less painful than less suffering. It’s relative, it’s dependent on how fried your ear bone hairs are.
      • let me take this opportunity to ask an interesting question: Who feels greater suffering on their first day of a prison term: A politician who embezzled from the state, or a 30 year old born in poverty serving his 12th prison term, this time for selling a tiny bit of a drug that is legal in a state 50 miles away?

And so in the end I think, it’s very nice that you read my post and had thoughtful kind things to say, and it made me feel good because more than most days I felt I was suffering; and also, I would not be so quick to undervalue the challenges of your every day!


#14

Every time you post I have a bit of envy for the brevity you maintain and the consistency in your tone and personality. You have my vote for the Most Likely To Actually Be a Bot, But In A Good Way award.


Are INTJ really alien-like? (Prax testimonials inside!)
#15

Sorry to hear about your story–but I don’t think it is all that uncommon. I’ve dealt with similar issues with my oldest son and I have two close friends who have autistic children. How autism expresses itself is different depending on the psychological type on my experience. My son is ENTJ type 3–a doozy since he was very physically aggressive and sometimes still is --but easier on some ways than INTP types who are more verbally aggressive and say things that get you in trouble with authorities since they don’t have the strong instinctive loyalty that ENTJs do.

The things that I have seen help the most is to find meetup or other support groups for parents of kids with autism. You will always find kids and stories worse than your own and you can see how other parents are dealing with it. Additionally, a huge benefit is having other adults with similar kids on your side who will advocate or witness for you with CPS and other government systems. That counts a lot when they make decisions.

Also, see if you can find an ENTP or ENTJ friend to help you make decisions on how to handle this stuff–they are incredibly good at making decisions. They won’t give emotional support but are very strategic–and I owe my successes in dealing with my son and governmental agencies to an ENTP and his cold strategic harsh thinking that made me take actions I never would have done on my own, but that benefited me hugely.


#16

Interesting, @Impossibletobe:

Ive been wondering about my son’s type and have been of the opinion he’s an INTP. he’s physically aggressive but I can tell it’s exploratory, which is why, frankly, if it were just me and him, I’d let him grow out of it by just like, ignoring him every time he kicks or hits me. My wife doesn’t see it that way because I think she sees it more as a habit he won’t drop. But studies show (by which I mean me watching her react to him and him react to her) that disciplining his physical behavior works less good than ignoring it.

He hits, and then he watches you like, “What’s that going to do?”

So it’s also easy for me not to take it personally when he hits me. It’s just boring and annoying.

The verbal stuff is a bit of a nightmare. Yesterday it was “She broke his arm. Daddy, she broke his arm.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen my wife asking him what he means and looking at me like, “Why is he saying that?” with FiNi loop paranoia going on. “Did someone hurt your arm at school?” And every time I’m like, ugghhhh, do I really have to solve this puzzle again? Haven’t we figured out the pattern here? Like, I actually get annoyed at her lack of ability to speak his language. I’m really hard on her in my head. How in the hell could you believe he is using proper pronouns in this particular instance when his usage of proper pronouns is precisely 50%? That sort of silent thought. I know in this case it only took about a milisecond before I said “Was it your arm or your minifig’s arm?” And he said “She broke the minifigs arm.” And I said “Did she break it? or did [my son’s name] break it?”

“[3rd person reference to his own name] broke the minifigs arm.”

Okay, so, shocker: he wants to play with minifigs and he wants me to put their arms back on, since he takes their arms off every night. This happens to be the first time he mentioned it in this way, as basically a CPS report with a bow on it.

This is like, practically effortless work for me but it’s pretty annoying when you’re anywhere in the world and it happens and you have to solve the puzzle at a volume level satisfactory to everyone around. Makes me want a wear a backpack that’s a box that says “Tips and Complaints” with a slit for strangers to drop their ideas into, and maybe some pamphlets on the side in one of those realtor tubes to introduce them to my son’s dialect.


#17

Nice to have this reminder. I have gone to an autism Dad’s group about 5 times and it’s always been good. It’s annoying, because we are all like, looking at each other thinking, “If I’m the average of the five folks I hang out with, this is not where I wanna be.” But the irony is every guy there is the same guy in one way or another. There are Sensors and Intuitives, Athletes and Computer Scientists – a totally wide range of folks. Liberals, mostly cautiously, and conservatives, without any give a shit about, say, a little political banter. Everybody is just dudes who are underperforming in every way in life and viscerally aware of it. That’s the shared experience. Dudes who are capable and not performing.

ETA

I should say: These groups are the ONLY place I have ever been where people refuse to judge each other. It’s interesting to experience. That’s why I found the political banter pretty intriguing. One guy is a fireman with like, I’m picturing, a 2nd amendment sign on his lawn, the kind with the pictures of the AK rifles around the edge. I’m turning the screws on Trump’s bullshit a week before the election, just burying him and singing Hillary’s praises in a way that I never would subject a normal social group of strangers to, and he’s just laughing at the shit I’m saying, like genuinely enjoying it like a casual team rivalry banter. This was the first day he and I had ever met. That kind of stuff. Like we all just know there is literally zero chance anybody here is really actually serious about anything besides just getting through the week. There is something pretty interesting about it. It’s what happens when you see people pushed to their limits and then further without clear paths to future remission. It’s interesting for sure.

We only have this men’s group once a month in my town. Unfortunately the local group monopolizes the Autism efforts (as always, when it gets to the organizational level, Autistic infighting begins and never ends) and basically attacks any effort to start anything that isn’t under their umbrella. Haha. I appreciate that they are actually pretty good at what they do, in part because of the autistic leader who just turns everything into a total shitshow until she gets her way. But it does have it’s downsides. I wish there were more groups. Maybe I should check meetup. I have not put enough effort into this. Social stuff can really be the last thing I consider and that’s probably a blind spot for my mental health, and for the health of these StellarMaze forums!


#18

I have been individually responding to folks and I get this popup:

First, I love it.
Also, I wonder how many Idiot Trackers I have tallied in various ways in this system, about to trigger the next time I do shit wrong. I picture folks just shaking their head in some engineering cave somewhere watching me. “Don’t edit that post again man. Don’t do it. Fuck. Alright. Hey Clarence, slap Johnonymous with popup 382 please. Yeah, he’s still at it.”

And also, can I just say, it astounds me how confident Discourse (forum software creator) is that it’s easier for everyone to read topics that have fewer in-depth replies versus lots of small, individual replies. Really? For fucking sure? lol. What do they mean by “read” I wonder?


#19

I read discourse forums and the creators believe “discourse suffers” when the forum is used more like messenger chat responses instead of multiple replies on one huge block.

But they also believe pagination is useless and they will never implement it. So they are wrong!!!b I demand pages!! I need more concrete markers of spatial progress! The timeline pisses me off!!

But anyway, I keep concise because the more info you take in at once, the more you spit out in all directions. lol FOCUS, JOHN.

I think if you were less combative with admin-type SF (?) people who probably make the bulk of CPS and school staff, you’d get better results. If they think they have to defend themselves from you, they will naturally think they have to defend sweet white kids from you too. Add on top whatever new personal grudge they have on you, and it turns to disaster!!

You should pay someone to rewrite your manifesto against Milgram-experiment folk to be more concise but still scathing if you wish to extract more sincere apology and consideration from them next time if another issue occurs.


#20

Oh yeah and thanku for bot complimnet for i try be useful and/or entertaning (to myself at least).