Erika Has Herpes


#1

There. Now you all know the entire story.

I lost my virginity to my husband. He gave me herpes in the process. I’m sure this fills in a lot of gaps psychologically about me.


#2

You are so fucking brave Erika!


What's your enneagram?
#3

Best fucking thread ever


#4

@admin please sticky this thread, it should never go away


#5

Haha!! Yay, herpes!!!

Thanks, @Jumpman!


#6

oh wow. yes that does fill in some gap.
but not really at the same time.
you are still Erika.
nothing really changes because you have herpes.
it wouldn’t change much even if you had penis on your bellybutton.

this information just helps me realize why you ‘push people away’

awww… that’s heart breaking to say the least.

yeah, but i think piggie and prax still had pretty decent points about why you might act the way you do.
besides the herpes things.
but maybe they’re wrong? are they wrong? idk you know better.

i don’t know if you believe it or not,
but if i found out my wife had herpes before i married her, i would still marry her.

heck. i’d marry her even if she had AIDS. it doesn’t stop me from loving her.

thanks for sharing, i hope this gives you more courage out in the world too.
people are accepting more than your fear imagines to be.

some women, or should i say many women, they live with ‘unhealthy’ shame because statistically more than 50% of women were sexually abused when young, usually by close family members.
it’s only when they realize their story is not so ‘special’, they feel slightly better because they know they’re not in the wrong and they aren’t the only ones.

my wife had something she was deeply shameful about, that she told nobody,
and i found out after i married her.
i found out because one day i forced her to be 100% honest with me and this information came out too.
okay… let me not say force, because prax might think of something crazy… hahaha
but we kinda made an agreement to be 100% honest. it was like an ultinatum thing.
ugh… okay not ultinatum… i don’t feel like explaning it.
let’s just say i beat her into telling me the truth… (jokes!)
just so prax can call me shady again hahaha

anyhow. she told me and i was so turned on by it. it cracked me up so hard too.

i wish i can share it but since that’s her ‘biggest’ secret. i won’t. and i don’t have her consent.
even though i think it’s super sexy and cute. but that’s probably cuz i’m weird. but i really think it is.
it’s probably most men’s dream. or just mine. i don’t know … hahaha

anyhow, great first step into your process of ‘healing’ shame/guilt you’ve been feeling.

this does answer a lot of questions i was asking you before. and the ‘whys’.

it’s brave of you like the two above says, and it’s not a shocker (but john is hype tho for some reason hahaha). you’re still the same person


#7

It takes courage to open up… I admire you for owning yourself :kissing_heart:

And it does make more sense now… why you are afraid… but there’s sooo much more to you than that, that makes it worth going after what you want…


#8

This is an interesting topic. I feel like this is something that’s easy to say now because you are already married and she doesn’t have the herp or AIDS. I compare it to people who have kids that say, “I didn’t want kids before, but now that I have them I wouldn’t trade it for anything.” I won’t say all, but most people would never say - I wish I never had kids, when they already have kids.

If she did, when would you want to hear it? The first day you met her? Really be honest and try to see past the foggy shades of love you currently have on. If you heard it right away, would that make you not want to get close to her or know her? If she told you later, would it upset you that she didn’t tell you sooner?

This is something major I struggle with: IF I left my husband and IF I found someone that I wanted to be with, I would have to accept hurting this other person. I’m not going to have sex with someone forever with a condom. So, it basically jumps any “normal” relationship right into seriousness. Do you know what I mean? I’m almost thinking it’s just better to say - “Hi, my name is Erika and I have herpes. Nice to meet you.” haha.

I guess the one willing to shake my hand after that, is a keeper. A girl I used to work with went through a different process when she found her husband. She had more “experience” than me and she reached a point where she didn’t wanna fuck around anymore. I don’t know if it was the first date, but very early on she asked this guy to get tested for STDs and a print out of his bank account. Hahaha. The guy did it, that early on!!! I’m not saying I would do this, but the reality shocker right away in the beginning might be the healthiest. Then both people go in to something knowing exactly what’s what. Like - shit ain’t sunshine and roses all the time over here, but if you wanna hang out, I’m game. Ya dig? I would so propose to a guy with that line. I should probably write that down.

These questions are open to everyone, too. I am genuinely interested in your honest input.


#9

I agree… it would help avoid either party getting hurt… you not getting hurt is just as important as them not getting hurt…

If i were a man you were interested in, I would like to know right away… I might hold off on the sex till I’m sure the relationship is going somewhere (this might even make it more interesting because of the sexual tension), but it wouldn’t stop me from wanting to get to know you… and if I feel strongly enough, why not?

Of course, everyone has different expectations, so it might make some people walk away… but fuck them… its actually a great way to filter the real men from the horny dudes…

But there might be tonnes of guys who won’t believe you and think you’re just saying it to get them to back off… :stuck_out_tongue:


#10

Ha! Joke’s on them! Literally.


#11

hahaha, the foggy shades of love,
i’d like to think i’m not someone to be infatuated,
but this is what i’ll say,

if she told me, at any point in her life, hopefully before being married, because that’s the respectful thing to do.
i’d be more concerned about her openness. but i’d understand if she didn’t want to tell me until the last moment.

of course it’s a compromise, but i’d still want to find out more about this person.

but of course, i’m not going to have raw sex with her, yet. until i’m sure i’m going to be committed.

and i’d want to know if she’s going to be committed too. i’d be more concerned about that actually.

and i’d be way more concerned about making sure she feels safe around me.

because if i had to put myself in your shoe, that’s what i’d want from the other person.
i know everyone have different problems. but nobody have it ‘easy’ per se.

i’m not gonna say everyone will be the same, because different people care about different things when it comes to relationship.

and this might sound selfish, but i’d use to my advantage if my wife had herpes and had ‘guilt’ like you do.

what i mean is, that i’d be thinking she will love me more because i knowingly had raw sex with her after founding out. and if she doesn’t want to spread to others, i wouldn’t have to worry about her cheating.(unless she’s crazy)

maybe it’s not selfish, but some may say i’m ‘using’ her, or manipulating her. but i think i’m just looking at the bright side of things.

it’s sorta like single woman with few young kids of her.
some of them find themselves ‘handicapped’ and they’re more concerned about finding a right ‘father figure’ for their children. not always, but a woman with straight mind will. i think. well, from what i’ve seen yet.

but to answer your question, i do believe in timing,
it would be nice to know when things are getting more serious.
if you say it on the first date like right away, i don’t think it’s that necessary, but that’s okay too if you guys are connecting and getting pretty deep already.
and it’s more about your attitude when you’re presenting it.
and of course you’re not gonna be like “oh by the way! you’re gonna have to live with this! sucker!” on the day of marriage. or the day you have raw sex with him. or right after.
if you say you ‘forgot’ to tell , then i’d be skeptical about your honesty. which won’t happen either.
but i’d want her to tell me soon as she can, so SHE doesn’t have to keep thinking about it in her head and so that we can move on with the relationship.

i’m not speaking for every men out there. but i think i’m speaking for many.


#12

What did a capital letter ever do to you? They’re here to help, ya know.

Thanks for your feedback. Yes, I would never “accidentally” not tell someone. The guilt would kill me if I didn’t kill me first.

I think I would just say it on the first date to make things interesting. Like the first awkward silence - “So, I have herpes. Yep.” And then go into describing my first breakout while we’re eating. “I got a fever and my throat hurt like really bad, like really bad. And I got this like rash thing.” Yes, I see it now. I would love to make this victim, I mean date really uncomfortable.


#13

i actually find beauty in not using a capital letter.
i believe in equality .
why does only first letter of the word in a sentence deserve to have a capital letter?

hahaha jk, i really do like all lowercase though. so whenever i use my capital letters, it’s real and intentional.

i think you have the ability to make them see beyond herpes though.
or he might be thinking ‘this girl is cool as shit, , but what the hell is herpes? is it an animal?’


#14

I think this is what Erika should say on a first date:


#15

Are red spandex shorts required? Oh! Maybe I could like be wearing that under a long rain coat… yep. I see it. Dancing on the tables. Motor-boating grandpa while I sing. Like, totally.


#16

Lmao (I’m using millennial lingo just to annoy Blake) @ the GNR reference :joy:


#17

I think one of us is using our microphone incorrectly…


#18

It always breaks my heart a little when I see a solid joke unresponded to 29 days on. Your use of screenshot and photograph is appreciated.

Buy YO Erika! I haven’t looked at this thread in quite some time and am surprised how serious it seems. I hope my original laughing response landed in the right context but I feel like I wanna clarify my view now that I better understand how the herpes thing feels actually somewhat limiting to you. And because also it appears my view is as little different than the few expressed here so far.

=======

It is my assumption that 30% of people I meet have herpes. If I go into the city, I fully expect that any stranger I am taking to is more likely to have herpes than to have voted for Donald Trump.

Whether this 30% number is correct or not I am suddenly quite interested in looking up, but my purpose here is to express to you that this thread didn’t originally register with me as anything other than funny and witty and cool. I thought you were totally joking about being sure it fills in the gaps of your psychology for us. Which I mention just to say, I couldn’t even imagine being weirded out by a woman telling me she had herpes so I couldn’t have imagined the weight of this in your psyche.

And so now I feel kind of bad for treating this thread as only comedy and also I feel all rescue mode: like I am writing this to save you from your concerns, which is pretty silly, but hopefully its at least helpful to know there are certainly people out there who, when they hear “herpes,” dont have the sort of mental or emotional associations to it that you very well may.

I would guess I’m an outlier but you very well may be too. As a rule you could probably handicap your concerns and just assume you are overestimating how much it matters to folks. I’m actually fighting the temptation to suspect you are half unconsciously using herpes as an excuse to keep yourself from taking action. But Ive been on the receiving end of such accusations where my own hangups are brushed off by someone who didn’t understand that it was actually a real hangup for me and I know it’s totally normal to have these sorts of things that become outsized identifiers for us. Porn is one for me, and I’m always taking it too seriously. People are like, “yeah man that’s all true that it’s not like the best thing in the world, porn, but maybe it’s not quite as consequential as you think?” And I’ve started believing them, last few years, but I can hardly imagine meeting a woman and sayin “hello! I’m johnonymous and I think porn is like a big fucking deal for society but I still watch it and feel ashamed for that, what’s your name?” But I betcha some folks would find that approach somewhat hilarious.

Anyway, I don’t have herpes and haven’t talked about herpes with someone who does, so this is all said without intending to diminish the personal stresses and suffering of an unpleasant ailment. I’m merely trying to shout a note of encouragement from the other side of the bell curve of ideology about how much herpes matters.

five things i discover or am told on the first date that would Deter me far more than the herpes thing:

  1. She treats the bartender like shit
  2. She has kids (would deter me from planning a long term relationship but not 100%)
  3. She is dependent on how things go for how she feels, like since the food is slow she’s really grumpy
  4. She is wearing a ton of makeup
  5. She can’t stop looking at her phone
  6. She doesnt read or write or in some way engage with the art world
  7. She requests food ’ without all the gross vegetables in it ’
  8. She has cuts on her arms (been there done that, I’m in a post-self injury phase)
  9. She talks glamorously about the time she almost killed herself / the psych ward

Those just come to mind as shit that might register for me.

A good one to sum it up, super true: I’d rather she had herpes than be a virgin.

Weird?


#19

Hey! Sweet! Thanks, johnnynonnymouse!

Aww! Thanks, man. I appreciate your mode.

Yeah, I guess. But it still really bothers me. Because let’s say I do the date thing, “Wassup, I gotz herpes. Ooo! The chicken looks good. I’ll have that.” The date is just gonna think, “she’s a swell dish, and I like the dish this dish just ordered…so condom it is.” And that’s all fine and dandy for a long period of time. But if I fall for someone and want to BEEEEE with them, I’m gonna want the real, warm member touching my insides. Ya dig? And that means I have to hurt someone and that destroys any image I have of “happily ever after.”

So that means there’s probs some sort of engagement or long-term commitment proposal before that…and that person better be damn sure. Unless that person is like, “whatevs, if it doesn’t work I’ll be single AND have herpes…” So that means, I gotta be cool enough or myself enough (whatever the fuck that means) for someone to dip their stick. Hey! That could be the marriage proposal. No ring, just fuck me without a condom. And I joke here a lot, but that would be insanely intense for me…I would probably cry through the whole thing.

So, not weird…johnnynonnymouse, but I think farther than the first date.

Edited because my reading comprehension sucks ass.


#20

@Ankh haha you really are my soulmate. I have hsv too. It’s supposedly very common but no one talks about it. Probably the reason why it is scarier than other sti is because it’s more visually presented. Like, hpv should be worse because it can give you cancer and almost half of all people have it, according to some stat I read somewhere, but no one feels pressure to disclose and it’s not a huge moral thing like herpes. What the heck.