Fi/Fe Balance for INFJs


For those of you INFJs who are in a relationship, how do you stay balanced?


I can’t help but think of a tightrope and falling. I think I fell long ago. Or I keep falling, failing, fidgeting, forgetting…
Oh, I forgot the word flailing. That is my favorite. Like falling through space, flipping and somersaulting and reaching and catching nothing.


hi! i’m new here and not even entirely convinced that I’m INFJ (but that’s a discussion for another day :slight_smile: ) but wanted to contribute here because the reason I developed an interest in typology and this website in particular was through the realization that there was always some element of lack in every relationship – and not lack in quantity, it’s not like a void that can be filled, but like a divot to which nothing ever takes or fits quite right. I identify strongly with Blake’s posts identifying the poisonous relationship dynamics that seem to haunt INFJ’s in intimate relationships. Haunt isn’t quite the right word; it’s a much more visceral sense of dissatisfaction, like it’s constantly sitting within you and deep inside you know you aren’t made for this domestic bullshit. In my relatively short life, half of it has been spent in long-term, drawn-out, tortured relationships (though that is probably not unusual around here!), but I would add that the only relationship in which I found some kind of balance was with a fellow loner who knew how to be alone together with me, and we had our own projects (i.e. my Fe world that I retreated to). But the dynamic of control was still at play, it was just suppressed by force, and really we were slowly breaking each other’s hearts rather than just finishing the whole thing off quickly. So yeah, that might not be the answer! I think avoiding “forcing” things to work is another thing I’ve learned, and that I’m still learning. Essentially, my answer is “I don’t know but I have the same questions as you.” I’m experimenting with different approaches, but total reclusion doesn’t seem viable either. I feel like this question of “balance” is perhaps a bit misleading as well – maybe we just aren’t creatures that are built for balance. But yeah, more pragmatically, we all want love, and if we want it with one person forever, some sort of balance or imbalanced balance or something has to be discovered/negotiated. My mom who I would guess is an INFP (though maybe she is an INFJ hiding in plain sight!?) has told me that I don’t ever really “open my heart” in relationships (whatever that means! silly moms :slight_smile: ) And someone else once mentioned the concept of risk in love – the fact that if nothing is at stake, if there is no risk, then it can’t be love because this conditionality defines love, i.e. the possibility of loss is what creates the conditions for the existence of “love”. So putting those two ideas together, and thinking about this question of balance and Fi/Fe, perhaps the answer is to give up trying to “know” or “control” and accept the inherent riskiness of the venture. But, like I said, I’m certainly no expert on balance in relationships. But I am an expert on a multitude of forms of imbalance!


Flailing is the perfect word for it



You sound positively INFJ. Actually, I’m sure I have some blocks of text written somewhere that are almost identical to your writing style. There’s definitely Ti in there, along with the Fe-aux flow and Ni over-mulling and consideration of Every. Single. Little. Thing.

Skillful and seamless integration of dialogue? Check. Effortless flow and switching between different writing styles? Check. Inevitable block of text and Fe outflow when Ni insight has been pent up for too long? Oh yeah, I do the exact same thing.

Welcome aboard!


Agreed - I’ve only been back at work for a couple of days (after a nice long Christmas vacation in the New Zealand Summer) and I’m already flailing like a mad thing…


thanks! i’ll accept the designation if it means i’m anything like wittgenstein :laughing: actually tbh i’m partial to continental phil!


Fuck yes! 'Wiggy Wittgensteiny is da real MVP!