How Does One Help an INFJ Feel Appreciated? How Does One Befriend an INFP?


#1

And still I can respond wahoo!

I have a Question: how does one go about helping an infj feel appreciated? Also, how does one be friends with an infp?

@lunar , @everybodyelse


Testing this now that I'm not a member in good standing.
#2

If the infj did something for you, a sincere thank you once is good. Soft is fine. If you show that you saw the effort and time they offered, even better. Between just you two is best though. If it was a big help and you want to give back, which it seems, then listening is a highly underrated gift. Really listening, you don’t even have to offer any sort of solution. Just acknowledgment. Open minded listening, and sharing a bit too, so the spotlight is not entirely on infj, but leave room for them with questions and time to answer. Patience + interest = permission to open.
Entp are well equipped for this. I just talked to my brother and he is so wide open I can say things to him. It felt really good to talk to him, even though I have been cringing at phone calls super bad lately. So fucking badly in fact that he texted me to open a conversation when I had not yet called him for his Birthday. Yes. Things are absolute shit with me, but he filled the spaces in a gentle and giving way, which leads me to the next thing, which is to remind an infj they exist for you, and matter to you as they are, which I think the infj does for them too. Works extra well if you have been accepting of something painful for them to admit and vice versa.
I think you have excellent potential and in fact I’ve seen you do some of these things. Do you, as the saying goes. Your honesty/realness and attention is affirming and shows appreciation.


#3

Whoa, neat! I can still reply, too! This can be like the non-subscriber playground until Prax kicks us all out! :smiley:

To be friends with an INFP: be kind and patient. By patient, I mean just be nice to them over a long period of time. If the INFP is a woman, give them cute gifts. All INFP women I’ve ever met love cute animals, and cute cartoon animals (think Hello Kitty), and cute cartoons. INFP men all seem to love either anime or superheroes, or both.

You will know the INFP likes you if they start to approach you of their own volition. I realized one of my newer INFP friends liked me when she started sending me random animal videos on Skype. This was after being friendly acquaintances with her for over 5 years. Befriending an INFP is playing a long game. If it’s someone you really want to be friends with, don’t give up quickly. The nice thing is that they’re usually very nonjudgmental of people, so they’re really easy to get along with.

To expedite the befriending process, talk to them about their nerdy interests. And let them talk to you about it. That’s a good way to get their trust fast, because they tend to be a little self-conscious about their geeky love for things. So if you show them you accept that side of them, they will be very happy and will open up to you more quickly.

To help an INFJ feel appreciated, it really depends on the context. If they don’t think much of what they did, or if they don’t think much of you, they won’t really “feel appreciated” just by you expressing appreciation. They’ll be indifferent. You should say thank you anyway, though, because otherwise they’ll think you’re rude. They often don’t appreciate other people’s appreciation (even though they think they do), but they DO get offended if they think you are NOT appreciative.

INFJs do really like, though, if you’re specific in telling them exactly how they’ve helped you. I think generally for INFJs, anything that makes them feel like their existence on this earth is “worth it” in some way gives them a lot of satisfaction.

I’d have to know more the specifics of the situation to give you a clearer answer. The thing that makes INFJs “seem” complex is that how we feel about or would react to any given thing is always very, very dependent on context. I think this is why INFJs seem so temperamental. Subtle shifts in nuance from two very similar situations can often change our view or reactions entirely from one to the next.

I’m going to guess you want to express appreciation to Blake. I think you should tell him the specific ways his insights have helped you. INFJs like it a lot when people express appreciation for their insights. (Also, and I’m going to say this with abandon since this is probably going to be my last post here, Blake is DEFINITELY an INFJ, 100%. I’m not even sure how anyone could think anything else at this point.)

You should also do it within the next few hours, because my INFJ powers of cognition tell me Prax is going to purgatory this thread for its category-flaunting ways when she sees it. Though, I guess thanking Blake for his insights could count as site feedback, but you’d probably have to make a new topic.


#4

btw, @johnonymous if you wanna start writing and participating.

you know what to do.
just tell me.

I’m not gonna subscribe myself though. since i’m go hard or go home, I can’t go hard on this forum right now.
I’m going hard on other things.

i need to stop going so hard.
I need balance.
but it serves great purpose.
so maybe I should just keep going hard.

i really hope that Prax does put an end to this cuz I can see myself flooding this thread.

oh and since you mentioned

how do YOU usually go about telling someone you appreciate them?

my answer is, no matter what type they are, as long as you are sincere and it’s coming from authentic and genuine you, then receiver SHOULD take the appreciation as it is.

the more specific the better it is.

and action speaks louder than words
which doesn’t mean don’t say anything.
it’s nice to let them know how you practically benefited also.

and i like that you have a gratifying attitude

oh, and with INFP, if you ask them this question directly, you won’t get an answer that you’ll understand. because they don’t even know how to tell you.

be kind, show integrity, include them, don’t criticize them, keep in touch with them regularly to let them know you didn’t forget about them. don’t lie to them, don’t force them.
and don’t be a douche bag


#5

oh, and approach them first

@Ankh Yooooooooooo!

holy shit I’m so glad you saw this edited comment Hahaha
@Ankh again!
is Blake really enfp???
I’m not shocked but I feel like oh shit why were we all so blinded!
like Ne, his ADD and his rant
Fi, duh like but was this his ID or aux??
Te, the Te bitch slap that ENFP does, slap em with the facts
Idk I’ve been associating with a lot of ENFPs lately and this one kid who I thought infj at first later found out he’s ENFP that was depressed with scorpio moon.
Idk. you’re not trolling right? because if you are, I’m so close to giving up this whole typing thing Hahaha
but if you’re NOT trolling. then ENFP… Omg why didn’t I see it!!
I just have so much to say about ENFP.
and fuck why do some types look similar to each other!
ESPECIALLY online.
I joined this one mbti group chat and did the same thing not revealing my mbti. They all couldn’t guess ESTP
I got ENTP, INTP, ISTP, ENTJ, like come on you’re so close but you’re not seeing ESTP??
and I realized later that it’s super hard to type someone just by what they say.
it’s very easy to mislead people and they were so sure that I was ENTP but what they were seeing was EXTP.
and people have such misinterpreted views on certain types and… sigh.
I have so much to say but I can’t subscribe because I can’t… right now. not right now.
anyways. I’m glad you’re back!!


#6

Hmm. Well it would put a smile, but I wouldn’t know it’s friendship based just off a cute video of a seal. How does one know someone is a friend?


#7

@johnonymous

For infj, I was very interested to see if any infjs would write. I think I’ve seen both what TinyYellowTree and Wendy describe. I’ve seen both this gratitude someone noticed a gesture from the bottom of their heart like when they give advice freely out of good will, as well as sometimes an unpredictability in whether the appreciation would be appreciated, as well as being hugely peeved when someone didn’t notice. They are very happy when they’ve been able to help you in your life. Sometimes they don’t like it if your appreciation doesn’t match how they see. Like you’re appreciating something that you saw into it that they don’t for example or that would set a trend they don’t want. Or if you’re always appreciative…it seems to me like you should never do always the same thing with an infj lol. I bet you would have more luck getting it right. Definitely seen this:

even when it’s not about appreciation, you should take off some of the load when hanging out with infj, which lots of extroverts would just do with ease:)

Infp can be hard to be friends with due to them getting overburdened by a lot less than a lot of other people. So they might not seem always available. But after sufficient hanging out, there is a kind of loyalty there. Still not sure if it’s always really what people expect in a friendship. So if you hang out with the infp. Then invite them again. Then again. That kind of thing. If you’re clicking partially and having a good time, infp will consider you a friend. But will they be what you’re looking for in a friend? No idea. I’m bad at interpersonal stuff. Small groups can ease them into it. You can try the cute animal thing lol:) Maybe the cute animal thing is like a “token”. Maybe infps need tokens. Like they are so unsure if the person thinks of them as a friend. While probably also making it really unclear to the other that they are a friend.


#8

Haha! I say that because it took such a long time for the friend to, I guess, feel comfortable enough with me to start initiating conversations out of the blue. I find it usually takes a long time for INFPs to feel comfortable enough with someone to do that. I get the sense it takes them a while to 1. decide they like someone and 2. feel certain the person likes THEM and won’t think they’re dumb or annoying. (INFJs aren’t any help in this regard because we can make it really hard for people to tell if we like them.)


#9

Yes infp is mighty slow. Meantime, people move to other towns lol.


#10

Infj (female) and infp (male) are a couple that me and isfp wife have a friendship with. Wife goes back to childhood with infj but got infj door-slammed lol for like, about 20 years, before recently we became friends owing to a career driven confluence of geography. i see in infj a cocktail of impressions and emotions and strategies for handling the fact that she Ghosted her childhood friend all those years ago, that life has not been what it had been meant to be or whatever, that husband might be not able to hold his own in relationship with me, that feelings are still hurt in isfp, etc.

But the truth is they are the first couple we’ve actually made friends with in a real way in our marriage as a couple, and specifically, infp is the first guy friend I’ve made who I actually want to hang out with since like, college.

i can see when infp Ne lights up in response to something I’m doing, while infj observes, smart and intent, and 40+ yrs wise, nervous though about what princess will say or do that will spoil it (undervaluing/diminishing his Aux function) and also (infj) appreciating ENTPs Ti sliced Ne, which I suspect is observed by infj as more impressive and more socially welcome than INFPs Ne-salted Fi; I see isfp and infj both missing the fact that INFP/ENTP are Doing Just Fine, and kinda trying to monitor/unfuck what they see as some off the evenings-rails conversations. Post evening isfp tells me that the precise moment when I could see infp lighting up was when things went bad for a bit, though she felt I recovered. Lol.

Infj mistates INFPs credentials (I would say overstates but the result is too incredibly subjective) as if to make sure we don’t all occasionally look at him and be like “what the fuck is wrong with you?” in private to isfp who tells them to Entp sometime and then later when all four are together and Entp asks about X, infp self deprecates or simply levels while infj holds the balance of the universe and the evening between her temples.

Anyway, it’s a fun little friendship circle and has everything, all four quadrants of mbti around the dinner table, plus complicated shared histories, plus some people who can’t have kids and others who can’t stand theirs, plus guilt, plus good listening, geographic isolation, work dissatisfaction, elements of comedy, the controlling and those who cannot be controlled, and a sort of latent tension around the fact that the infj might be missing the fact that we like her. Or that she might have figured it out and begun to feel underappreciated. Or that she might feel appreciated but concerned her husband is not keeping up. Or that she might see he and I are getting along fine and feel that the real fix would be another door slam.

So I was thinking it would be good to try to think about how to intentionally convey appreciation for some of the things she does. She sends the best notes and texts of thanks, like always hits the spot.


#11

Preliminarily i think I should get a drawing of something commissioned. Like maybe the four of us in some way. I find the fact that we each overlap one another but no one perfectly quite awesome. Basically, if we trust the other couple’s understanding of our spouse, we will have a better marriage. The other couple has our spouses functions split between them and our own functions split between them.


#12

@supernokturnal I don’t actually know what to do but yes I would accept a gift of membership from you! I’m only not here because I don’t have any money and closed my bank account to avoid continuing to get fees. I tallied $1495.00 in overdrafts since July 2016 and then said to myself, “maybe this ‘checking account’ thing isn’t really my bag.”


#13

What a great write-up. The scene flashes in front of us. Oo my. So much we are all thinking about when hanging out with others!


#14

Well, supernokturnal has come through for you. You and @Wendy are now resubscribed for 6 months.

Welcome back guys!


#15

Forum boyfriend johno plays around and helps us find technical loopholes and I go to bed to let chaos ensue and everything is fixed anyway. I am the best mod.
/laffs
(I honestly was just going to throw everyone into the fiery pit while laughing at john and telling him to get some money)

I also had a dream one of my sleep deprived nights that Blake asked if Wendy was ever coming back to forum and lo and behold she started hijacking the thread too! HAHAHA! *clapping noises at prophetic dreams

I like Wendy and Super’s advice!

Personally how I let INFJ and INFP know I appreciate them and be friends with them:

INFJ

  • share your insights with them and show I understand them or ask for clarification when I don’t
  • even if they are being moody, act as if I only vaguely notice and don’t mind it
  • be frank with INFJ, compliment when you mean it, critique when you mean it. I think INFJ want to know they can trust you not to be dubious with them. They get tired of using Fe all the time around people who say one thing and mean another, so it’s good to show them they can relax.
  • continue to associate and communicate with them
  • even if they know in their soul they are a terrible/annoying person or short of whatever perfectionism, show that you do not mind by enjoying their company anyway lol
  • do whatever thing you can do to be helpful to them. I think INFJ really appreciate when someone offers something of service to them, whether it is a technical task, or to give them a gift of food/money/etc.
  • likewise if INFJ helped you with some service or insight, thank them for it (though don’t overdo it. I think INFJ kind of… lose respect if you come off as overly effusive/brown-nosing hahah–they may enjoy it in an arrogant way, but they won’t necessarily respect it)
  • INFJ often experience that their insights are taken the wrong way or are unheard (Cassandra effect? hahaha), they probably get over it as they mature, but if you can understand the core of their message above others, you can click better with them

INFP

  • play with them and their ideas – I think ENTP is good for this because of natural Ne
  • tolerate it when they talk about random stuff with you–to them it is not rtandom because they have been stewing in their heads about it, but they don’t realize or appreciate that it IS random from an objective outsider point-of-view
  • learn to appreciate that when they do talk about random things, it is because they are allowing you access to their private thoughts, which I think is a big sign of trust or they are getting their feelers out for trust
  • let them know you were thinking of them. If they like you, chances are they were thinking of you too, and they will show you they were via gifts or “random” comments/texts/emails about whatever thing that tangentially got associated with you when it lit up their brain. You can do the same for them.
  • super says not to criticize them but I will do it to poke at them hahaha. they enjoy pokes as long as it’s lighthearted. it shows them you enjoy them
  • i believe there is a part of INFP that just really enjoys or is drawn to drama (because of dom Fi and probably Ni id? I think there may be voyeuristic tendencies about this), so stick around even when they are going through dramatics and help them stay lighthearted and theoretical about it
  • let INFP whine at you. If they like you, they will whine and take your for granted a bit (they will say they aren’t, but you will feel like they are hahah. it’s ok!). INFP regularly stay to themselves and try not to whine, so it’s a relief to them when they trust someone enough to whine at them or vent. this is both exasperating (like “wtf am i listening to” kind of feeling) and very cute
  • sometimes said whining is just to bounce ideas off of someone so they can decide something for themselves. this is probably an Ne thing that Johno also does so it will come natural

@johnonymous
Does the INFJ and your wife actually still like one another?
I think INFJ are often fascinated with ISFP, but sometimes ISFP violate multiple moral codes/values with INFJ, so this could be an ongoing tenuous cold war… hahaha.


#16

And it was written that Blake was just and that Blake must be just if he be Blake. And there came upon the forum a guy, who because of the Looseness of his head, began to lead away the people from the traditions of their fathers. And he went among the people saying “so, I have another thought,” and the righteous among them said amongst themselves, “is this not that man who is known well to us? Is this not he of Entp functions who has for so long droned on about himself?” And behold he went into their sacred places and their metaforums and there spake he many useless things, and from his mobile device continued to fulfill his daily limit of Likes, and the people saw and were much disturbed. Then went they, being in number greater than one, and protested to the Queen, raising their voices as if as one, and saying “What the fuck, Prax?”

And as she had retired to her bed, at the third watch they disbanded, their protestations having fallen on deaf ears. And still the queen slept.

And there came one among the people who was swift and with cash flow, whose observations were known to them as Sensory and Extroverted, his judgements swift and ordered and introverted, his body like unto a rock, and in the night he came, and went up and made an offering of his self unto Blake, and Blake maintained his general stance as Just and as slightly aloof, and the people were satisfied.

And the man of ENTP functioning went to him of the rockin bod and threw himself at his feet and said “my flesh is your purchase!” And behold, said he unto the man, “No, Dude, just Go: go and do something actually in the real live world, and stop being so theoretical and useless, but otherwise we are good.”

And the people saw it and they saw that it was good.


#17

I considered responding that this harebrained topic totally counted as “Site Feedback” because its whole existence was a beautiful and perfect encapsulation of Blake’s ENTP articles. All behold the ENTP in action as he just kind of bulldozes merrily through the loopholes of the universe. Why let yourself be bound to the walls of a (Stellar)Maze when you can just clamber over them and go where you will. As Prax would say: wow!

Super paying for my sub is totally a Te-id move, haha. But I do appreciate whatever goodwill was in the gesture, so, thanks dude! Since this is basically your sub, feel free to revoke it any time you want. :slight_smile:


#18


#19

i likeded this poste! what a nice story!

yes for super rewarded the trespasses of peoples, it is as if a deal with the devil! hahaha

i still thinking about how funny it would have been to throw entire thread into purgatory instead, with innocent wanderer lunar being amongst those lured via john’s musings

how merciful blake had been!


#20

Funny.
When I read your list for infj, I was like oh man yes yes yes.
Then the infp list, I was like wait up, hold on…hahah. Infp just cannot look at themselves objectively ever… :grinning:

just a question…

how the heck is it cute?? :open_mouth: when i get into that state i can’t stand because there is a muddle to the whining…it’s like not even helpful whining. and i can only become aware of the muddle by letting it out and experiencing the reactions of others and also just seeing the muddle because i can’t actually explain anything someone then asks and so they then feel like then why are you whining, this is JUST whining, which it is, like a release

i wanted to object to infp liking drama…but then i’m not sure if i’m objective lol…maybe that’s what everybody sees in infp. but i really don’t think i like it? lol. what do i know. freaky if i don’t know myself. but if there is drama, internally it’s very intrusive and there is almost no way to look away. especially drama that has any Se to it. like it is happening presently in the space i’m in, like in my house. what about creating drama? i feel like i create drama, but do i like it? hmmm. if you do something do you like it? hmmm. i’m almost certain that when expressing gripes i sound overly dramatic. it’s hard for me to stay away from like one side of the pole or another. it comes out THIS OR THAT. even though internally it doesn’t feel that way, way more impressionistic

the voyeuristic thing. i’m trying to understand what you mean. but i can sort of see it as in always thinking there is lurking. when people appear to be at their worst, it makes a big impression. because you see what you usually don’t see, like the curtain was lifted. but if i understand the feedback on infps, we’ll be deluded about what were seeing anyways…