How To Get a Divorce - Angle of Execution Dependent on Type?


#1

So…

It’s probably no surprise that I’m not happy in my marriage. But I’m not not happy either. (That’s a lie.) It’s blah. It’s boring. There’s no connection. He’s a great guy. Just not my kinda guy? He’s just a plain ol’ good guy. Or maybe I just want to be alone for a while now? I’m an ENFJ who got married at age 20 and now, 30 is quickly closing in. I think it’s time to break away and start experimenting more with this thing called life.

So, how to go about getting a divorce…

I’m a planner as most women are, so I’ve got it all “figured out”. What makes my situation “easier” is that we don’t have kids. I’ve looked at all of the forms necessary to file and present our case. No need for a lawyer. The process would be quite easy. Sad, but easy. I project getting a divorce next summer. This will be enough time to tie up loose ends with finances and go to marriage counseling. Marriage counseling is more like a formality. It will help to have a third party in the room to “break the news”. Hopefully it will ease some of the pain?

Some people might look at my situation and think - what’s the problem? He’s nice to you, he’s responsible, stable, loves you, is patient with you, laughs with you… all of these good things. I don’t look at this situation like that. It is more a matter of deciding to love myself more than anyone else. It is my life and this is not how I want to spend it. I want to have a time in my life to be alone too. There is too much unexplored. Our life is one timeline. I’ve spent some time here, and now it’s time to move on.

I recently began to dedicate a lot of mental and physical time into wrapping my head around a divorce. I spoke about it openly for the first time with a group of girls I went to school with. It was a big step for me, because I like to portray an image of perfection. And everyone thinks I have a perfect marriage/life. One of them told me, “Erika, if you have to talk yourself into being happy, it’s not worth it.”

So enough about my situation. I want to hear about yours. Have you gotten a divorce before? Know someone who has? Want one, but haven’t made that move yet? And also as it plays into typology - what types are most prone to be unhappy in long-term relationships? What are the types that have an “easy” time leaving? Which types drag their feet?

I know this is a sensitive subject for a lot of people, but believe me, it helps to face it and talk about it.


#2

While I believe you are doing what needs doing, I will be honest and say if my husband took me to a marriage counselor to tell me, I’d be mortified, humiliated and enraged. Not even sure sad would register in my fury. And the anger would not even be that he wanted a divorce, but the presentation, like after all we’ve been through together, he’d set a stranger between us? I know sad would come, but I’d be holding it back to the best of my ability if anyone were present. Probably I would just walk out the door.
When I realized the therapy was not meant to save the marriage, I would refuse to go as soon as I figured that out. That may well just be me, my type? I am not sure, but thought I should mention it in case it is more of a human reaction than type specific.
I think the only reason to go to a therapist if you don’t mean to save the marriage is if you are physically afraid of the reaction he would have.
But I know of a woman getting a divorce right now, and she is heavily into therapy just to deal with issues/baggage/things, I don’t know. Maybe separate therapy/couseling would be beneficial to sort things out individually.
I do know I have issues with the idea of therapy/counseling for me, so keep that in mind with my reaction.
Many kinds of people, many different ways of handling it. Your intention to smooth it might work really well for another person, so maybe this approach is not a problem.
And by next summer did you mean 2017 or 2018?
And I’m sorry, this ragged honesty feels wretched. Ugh.


#3

I love the honesty, @TinyYellowTree!

I don’t know how it will actually play out, but I think having a third party involved is something to consider. Especially with me - I can get very emotional. It’s also an opportunity for him to express his feelings as well. I will offer it as an option. If he refuses, then okay.

I disagree for the reasons I listed above.

So do/did I. My mom insisted it when my parents were getting a divorce. The therapist accidentally told me my mom was physically abused.

2018


#4

If it were not a surprise, I don’t think I would react badly. I might even consider going some time after the talk, if I knew the intention was to ‘understand and deal’ and not think it was to save it.
You are right, I negated the paragraph above with the one below. Fear is not the only reason. It is just the first reason I imagined I would try that. I write and adjust up and down and can miss contradictions. So never mind that lack.

I judged that you would know I intended only good. It gives me courage to see I was right.
My son is getting married in summer 2018…
Life is nutty.


#5

@Ankh
I wonder what it will be like to wait one year. Do you have very strong reasons?

You don’t have to answer of course.


#6

My reasons are to save money of my own and to save money for him as well. I don’t know how that sounds, but it’s the truth.


#7

It just sounds. I was just wondering. I wondered about embarking on the new journey sooner. Starting the new lives, yours and his, but being able to cope with the transition happens how it can.


#8

Yes, sooner would be lovely. But there are many issues at hand. Most of them only existing in my mind. I’ve seen too many times people exit relationships on impulse and it turns to shit very quickly. I don’t know if it sounds cold, but I need to plan. I need to feel safe exiting the relationship. Especially since I went from my parents house to his house. I have not been an adult on my lonesome. And making sure he is secure when I leave will help me mentally. I have a feeling of thinking (does that make sense? “a feeling of thinking”) I would be abandoning him if I just left now.

See, this is good. All the shit people don’t want to talk about with divorce or relationships. Maybe it helps other people?

But, I believe I’m done for a couple of days talking/typing about this. It’s draining and a sensitive area. And I think maybe I shouldn’t have posted something like this.


#9

No not cold. I can imagine how you mean. Decision on impulse, the feelings get intense, you go back and forth, talk each other in and out, can’t eat, can’t think. Miss days of work. No it really makes sense to pace it as needed and perhaps have that extra financial buttressing. You will get there.

It helps… Your openness is beloved by us.


#10

Hey Erika…

My cousin sister got married when she was 22 to a guy who wasn’t right for her… it quickly became suffocating for her because the guy wouldn’t let her complete her education or work… he turned into an asshole when he realised that he wasn’t enough for her… she wasn’t ambitious or anything… she just felt like she was stagnating and wanted to do something with her life beyond being married to him… and she felt imprisoned by the fact that she was financially dependent on him… she finally got a divorce when she was 30… i think she stayed for 8 years because she felt like she was the one who chose to marry him so she couldn’t just walk away from it without trying… luckily they didn’t have any kids…

My uncle (her dad) works in publishing… so… before she filed for divorce she took up some courses so that she’d be qualified to work with her dad… she took up a key role in the business after the divorce… and met another guy… who is definitely right for her (according to me)… they’re happily married now and have a beautiful little baby… they look tired, but content… :slight_smile:

As far as their types are concerned… I think my cousin sister is INFX… the ex husband was ISXP… the new husband is ENTJ…

I think NFJ women are particularly prone to being unhappy in long term marriages/relationships… having Si or Te/Fi in the top 4 functions probably helps when it comes to commitment… NFJs don’t have those functions in happy positions in the stack… the men seem to be more capable of compromising/settling down for some reason… maybe because they feel compelled to be more logical about life decisions… of course, any type is capable of having a successful marriage… like, NFJs might work particularly hard to make something work because they feel responsible/guilty for not doing something right/hurting others feelings… but I dunno… when I see my own parents… if either of them were a feeling type, they wouldn’t have been able to hold it together… they don’t work at all… but they plod through life together because it’s more efficient/less messy than getting a divorce at this age… that’s probably because they are both TJs though… not at all spontaneous or optimistic… :stuck_out_tongue:

Anyway… it takes guts to make a decision like that… you must have thought everything through a thousand times… ENFJ are good at planning… so I’m sure you’ll handle it the right way…


#11

"
. they don’t work at all… but they plod through life together because it’s more efficient/less messy than getting a divorce at this age… "

Marriage is so strange. Even when it lasts in one sense, in another sense you have interred yourself underground unless you are among the lucky few perhaps. Guess there are some out there who don’t feel this way. Who are married above ground.


#12

Ahh yes it’s like you end up becoming not your whole self… some aspects of personality get buried… only the ones which enhance or support compatibility become pronounced… and if you aren’t compatible at all you’re just pretending to be someone you’re not most of your life… just to keep peace… sometimes there’s no peace too… it’s such a waste of potential… unless what your partner brings out in you is what you needed to become whole… lol… some people do find that I guess… there really are some happy couples out there… rare species :slight_smile:


#13

:0
I will reply more later since it takes a while to compose (plus I am… composing other replies too… you guys perhaps think I just mash things up, but I do check for spelling and coherence! AHHA)

@Ankh
Wendy and I have actually discussed and predicted this would happen. Something along the lines of Wendy saying “I predict within the next 2 years, Erika will divorce.”

I think in the case of divorce, I’d go through similar steps. Not sure if I’d go through couples counselling–like maybe I’d do that at first to see if the marriage or is salvageable or if I would agree to the compromises suggested. Like you said though, you are doing this as a formality and favour to him, but depending on his type, he might appreciate a cleaner break. You know him best though, so maybe he needs formalities. It looks good on both of you that you went through the “proper steps”.

But these kind of things… usually happen around Saturn returns/turning 30 anyway when old habits culminate to critical mass and you either change direction or realize you have to reinforce your way of life. It happens a lot when people marry young, so it’s also… a bit expected! You’re not alone in going through it and dedicated a lot of your life and energy into it to see if it would work for you. Well, turns out it’s not working, so change is inevitable.


#14

Damn, I always get to topics when people are done talking about them. Lol. Don’t feel bad for posting this though.

But just know that you’ve bared your soul and unresolved issues to a forum full of us Infj’s. Lol

I hope it all works out for you though.


#16

I think trying to be practical and amicable about it is goodwill on your part.
Have you considered a trial separation as well? Or are you planning to just not be as intimate with him as before? It sounds like you don’t want to upturn everyone’s life unnecessarily.

My parents were probably close to divorce and used to fight all the time (still kinda do, but more passive-aggressive and mellow now haha) but never went through with it because of the kids situation, but a couple of my uncles have divorced their wives due to irreconcilable differences or lifegoals (or just plain conflict with the uncles’ families). I think they married early in their 20s, so it was only a few years into marriage that they split, with the women being more ambitious or outgoing than the guys’ conservative families wanted? That was my impression anyway. I usually don’t fault any of the “outsider women” for wanting to not deal with my dad’s side of the family. lol They can get pretty weirdly patriarchal, controlling, and gang up on these outsider women since they all enable and defend one another.
I don’t really know the details of how those divorces went besides being somewhat clean (not many financial splittings involved), but the uncles eventually remarried and settled with new families…

So I in general… am pro-divorce if it doesn’t seem like things will get any better between a couple and it’s making one or both of them miserable/feel hollowed out, but I also don’t really begrudge people for trying to do their best to keep a meh relationship/obligation going either if they decide there are better reasons to stay together than go. Especially since I myself would weight those things back and forth too and decide what I can or can’t compromise or what would cause me as little trouble as possible haha.

I’ve read in some places that among the unhappiest in marriages are generally INFJ and INFP, but I think it’s because a big proportion of them decide to stay in their marriages for the long haul whether it’s dysfunctional or not. ESxx types though, tend to be the happiest in marriages? Probably a taking one day at a time kind of mindset and extroversion helping them get what they want (though who knows what the partner feels! hahah… could be torture for the partner). INTP for example… have the most dissatisfied partners statistically.
It seems like ISTP are the most prone to just up and leave? I would say ENTP too, but maybe not… haha. Maybe just “least affected” is more accurate.

None of my close friends or cohort cousins/siblings have gone through divorce yet… (though one close friend had a fiancee who just totally ghosted her to the surprise of both their families), so I don’t have much close hand experience, but if I look at the stats and am honest about how some relationships seems to be going, divorce is probably headed for at least half of the ones I know. There are also a couple of marriages that I think will stick it through but remain fairly unhappy/stressed, but they are together because I think they would feel too ashamed to split or feel unable to find anyone else (plus a young kid to raise). There are a lot of family dynamics going on, and how they were raised by their own parents and their parents’ level of involvement that probably magnifies all the issues.


#17

@Ankh I’m new here and don’t know if it’s appropriate to respond to these old topics. Ugh, I hate being the new guy and not knowing all the rules.

Anyway, I got divorced about 5 years ago. It completely blindsided me. How’s that for my mystical INFJ intuition. For me, when I learned about the issues, it was already too late to save the marriage. It was at this point, in therapy, that I learned I was an INFJ.

For me, once I knew it was over, I wanted to separate our lives quickly. It would be really difficult for me to live a year in a situation where the marriage was over. Your reasons for it are logical, but emotionally it would be super hard for me. Also, and I could be completely wrong on this, I got the sense you might feel a little guilty for initiating the divorce so you wanted to make sure he was in a really good situation before making it official. This could be me projecting on you though. If I’m right though, in my situation, quicker was better. Even though it feels impossibly hard to separate your lives, it ends up being really pretty easy.

Change is almost always good.

Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.


#18

Oy. This topic…

Very difficult. Thank you for extending your help. I appreciate that. I change my mind almost everyday. But he’s made some recent choices in his life which make it easier for me to leave. Or at least become more absent. Which is better? To be out of the relationship or be in it but gone? Don’t answer.

Yes, you’re right. I do feel guilty. Which is sad, because all I want is happiness. Which is also sad, because I don’t know if I can be. Blah. And yes, I want to make sure he is secure before I leave. He is much older than me. I’m still young, so I can bouce back. Also, I worry about things that he doesn’t or won’t. He is a surface dude. Surfing the surface. He’s simple. Me, not so much.

And actually, I feel my reasons for leaving are more emotional. When I think of staying, the reasons are from logic. And to me, love isn’t logical. Yes, there may be some elements of logic to it like putting work and effort into the relationship. But I feel like, either people connect or they don’t. And my situation has a history. If I haven’t deleted all of those posts…you might be able to put the pieces together.

So uh, yeah. I don’t have a lot to say about it because it’s depressing. But I do thank you for extending a hand or ear…whatevs.

And don’t worry too much about being new. You’re doing great! :slight_smile: And doing exactly what INFJs do best. Diving.


#19

I am really sorry to bring up such a depressing topic. I want to post one more time to the thread, and then I’ll leave it alone. I want to give you part of my perspective, which is the husband who didn’t want to get divorced.

Spoiler…it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I am sure you already know you aren’t responsible for your husband’s happiness. When my world crashed down around me 5ish years ago, I was absolutely devastated. It triggered all these memories from my parent’s divorce when I was a kid. I was a mess. I had some really dark moments.

Here is the thing though. My Ex was doing what was best for her. She was looking out for her own happiness. At the time I couldn’t believe how selfish she was. And she was being selfish. But I’ve come to realize that is okay. Wanting happiness for yourself is not something you should feel guilty about. Actually one of @Blake’s articles made me reflect more deeply on what I needed to own for the failure of the marriage. It is one of the reasons I subscribed to his site. It was the third thing of true value he had given me for free.

Okay, I need to get to my point before this becomes a wall of text as I pour out everything and give everyone a migraine.

Here it is. Even though I knew at the time I could have probably been happier if I’d made different choices, I would never have been strong enough to leave my marriage. I had made a commitment to my wife, we had kids, we rarely fought, had a huge house, an RV, blah blah blah. Plus marriage is hard, right?

But my Ex was strong enough. She wanted to find a different version of happiness. She forced me into a situation where I had to start over in many respects. It was like getting a second chance at life. And it has been wonderful. Fantastic.

So here is what I’m trying to say:

  • you aren’t responsible for your husband’s happiness, he is.
  • wanting happiness for yourself is selfish but not bad in any way and you should not feel guilt about it.
  • my Ex wanting a divorce forced much needed change on me. change I would not have done on my own.
  • it says a lot about you that you are worried for your husband. also consider that you might be helping him find a better version of himself. that he might end up being happier at the end of it all.
  • it is not nearly as hard to separate your lives (logistically) as it seems.

I’m actually very thankful now that my Ex divorced me. Something that would have been impossible for me to say or see five years ago. So there is a chance you are doing him a favor by divorcing him.

I wish you the best, and I hope that someday soon you are happy again.

-Derek


#20

I appreciate this. Thank you.

If you’re up for it, I may pick at your brain and heart a little to get more perspective. :grimacing: Not now, later.


#21

what’s his views on the marriage?