GREAT BIG HUGS for my maze family.
I admire your courage and wish you the best of good fortune in what you search for, always.
This process is proving to be the most difficult thing I will do. The fork that I spoke of earlier was this. Route 1: Stay on current path which involves children, church, and married life with someone who does not fulfill you, but hey, will someone ever? Route 2: Set out on own with just about nothing, certainly no guarantee at happiness, but all the opportunity. These are tough roads to choose from. But we always have a choice, I’m slowly learning.
Happiness for me has always been something hard to truly gauge. I think, well, sure I’m happy. I’m alive. Happy is good, I like good. Things are fine, I’m breathing. When and if someone asks why you’re not happy or what would make you happy, it’s okay to not know the answer. Really, you’d kinda be foolish to answer that confidently. How do you really know what’s going to make you happy until it does or doesn’t? Maybe it’s like tasting new food? It might look good, but it may not be your thing after you try it.
I am and have always been an optimistic person. Bubbly. Light. Always. And I always will be. It’s just what I decide to show the world. But that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle with demons and have fears so deep, I wish to pretend they’re not there at all. I am fully aware that I may leave my “so-so” life for a really shitty one. Like, shitty-until-I-take-my-last-breath-life. I’ll be on my own. I’ve never done that. I went from my parents house to my boyfriend’s apartment. Easy transition. Tiny, you spoke of courage and my husband said the same to me. He said, “It must have taken a lot of courage to say what you said to me.” It all makes me think of The Wizard of Oz and the Lion. lol. Courage does not mean - without fear. But maybe courage is the result when you’re tired of running. And, tired of hiding.
I don’t even know what this post is supposed to do. Maybe it helps me. Maybe it helps you. I had a rough fucking night last night and spent it on the couch. No fight or anything. I won’t go into that. But I’m just freaking beat. And even though this is going to be a relatively short road. It’s going to be bumpy AF!
I hope you guys have a good day, wherever you are. We’re supposed to get a snow storm today. So, I’m just gonna clean and organize some shit today.
Yeah, never fun to have dirty dishes when power goes out…
I do not think your life is likely to be shitty to the end.
Right now I am envying you the personal space you will have for the first time, to be free-ish, I mean you do have to support yourself but you’d have to do that anyway.
To see you explore your freedom is heartening.
I am like this too! I put it down to my astrology (Lots of Sagittarius planets (Sun, Mars and ruling planet Venus), as it runs somewhat counter to my INFJ type. I like being an overall optimist, and wouldn’t have it any other way, but sometimes it can be a disadvantage, like when I’ve stayed too long in a bad situation due to constantly looking for the silver lining amongst all the dark clouds.
Maybe this is a factor in your case too, can you remind me what your brithchart looks like, as it may help me offer some practical advice to help you through this transition?
All the best,
You deserve more than a “so-so” life. I might not know what my happiness is either, but I know for sure that it’s not being numb. I want to live and feel alive, even when it means feeling pain. You know better what works for you, but if you’ve come this far it’s that you know there’s no point in staying. I know you know this and your decision is made, I just wanted to remind you.
I can only imagine how challenging the entire process must be, as you don’t just get to leave and not look back before it’s safe to do so. But I trust your Fe to know how to set the boundaries you need to protect yourself through this. Hang in there and it will get better! I’m sure, I KNOW great things will come your way! After all, you are the ENFJ goddess!
Thank you guys for the kind and encouraging words!
Thanks, Tiny. It’s really going to be interesting. It’s depressing today … I want this more than anything. And I feel so good that I’m finally listening to my/the call. But, it still doesn’t make it easy. I’m going through stuff … what to throw out, what to leave for him to decide, what to take. Crayons are on the list of what I’m taking! lol My mind is on overdrive. I have no rush. My husband isn’t pushing me out and we’re helping each other out with the changes. But I can’t help but feel a rush. I want to start healing. And it will be more of a change for me. Home, finances, name, things… oy. My freedom will be funky for a while. After things are final, first stop will be my mom’s then eventually an apartment. I think I’ll cry with so much joy when I find my apartment and get it lookin’ like ‘mine’. One stepping-stone at a time.
I feel ya, Stewart. I mean, I could think myself into a storm : “I’m unhappy, what would make me happy? Not this. BUT, happiness is a state of mind so why do I have to change anything physical?”
I would welcome this help if you’re willing to provide it.
Thank you, Nur! You know what I’m looking forward to? Feeling the pain of loneliness. I’ve felt loneliness for a long time, but this will be a different kind of lonely. Being forced to face myself. Forced to get to know myself. Thank you for your compliments and encouragement. I appreciate it.
Well, what do you know? You have a Taurus Ascendant with its ruling Venus in Sagittarius/8th House, just as I do!
Can’t be a coincidence, but I’ll look into it some more and get back to you.
Hi Ankh, the overall pattern of the last couple of years or so has been highly focussed on the self/relationship areas of your chart (no surprises there!), and is entirely congruent with the journey you’ve been on and have shared with us here.
The process would have begun a number of years ago when Saturn was in Scorpio transitting the 7th house (where your natal Sun and Pluto sit). Around this time you may have felt increasingly trapped by any relationship which felt inhibiting or limiting to your sense of self or desire for freedom and self-expression. This would have come to a head around the time you first posted your chart on this forum, for at that time you were experiencing the infamous Saturn Return which hits everyone around their late 20’s/early 30’s.
I remember that on my birthday that year (21st December) Saturn was at 20 degrees of Sagittarius, exactly conjunct my natal Venus, but also your natal Saturn at 19.5 degrees of Sag. By this time it had transited into your 8th house, which is also concerned with relationships, but also the scorpionic themes of life and death (which is best understood at an earthly level as beginnings and endings). Saturn transits are meant to make us take a good, hard look at the very structures and boundaries that define our day-to-day lives, but may also serve to limit and trap us if they are too rigid, narrow and confining. This tends to happen when our present circumstances have changed but our beliefs around our needs and requirements for security and/or our set of operating “rules” for life are still rooted in the past; or were imposed by powerful outside factors such as parents or society, but don’t sit well with our growing sense of who we are as unique individuals.
Saturn forces us to review and, if you like, “audit” these unconscious but powerful internal rule-systems, by a slow and thorough process of introspection, questioning and reality-testing.
Thank you for this, Stewart. Thanks for the time
Everything happens at the exact time it’s supposed to. This I am learning.
Alrighty! I feel a lot better.
Divorce paid for. Should be final by mid January.
Thanks for all of your support!! I’ll keep you posted.
I know this is weird to say because I don’t “know” you, but I certainly feel like I do…
I’m proud of you, girl. So proud. You are going to have an amazing life going forward. I saw your post(s) around Thanksgiving and it brought tears to my eyes.
Thank you, air!!!
I hope. And I’ll definitely try.
I have good days and bad and it will definitely get worse before it gets better. Just one day at a time
I share a lot of myself here, so yes, I feel like you guys “know” me.
You are a phoenix.