I felt used -- explain that sensation


#1

@supernokturnal

You mentioned feeling used when your brother would come seeking some emotional salve after being scorned by another sibling.

Rather than hijacking that thread I thought I’d do something out of character and not hijack that thread.

I can’t relate to it when people report feeling used. Can someone describe it?

I suspect at my core I just don’t see it as pathological. When people want something I can provide whether they can admit it to me or themselves I feel good.about being used.


#2

ummmm… shit. i don’t know. hahahha

it’s not so much a sensation for me.

it’s a fact that i know what he’s doing is purely self serving at core.

because after he feels better, he would just get out of my room and go about doing whatever he wants.

i think others may experience this differently, and some people are not aware of it at all.

now, i never get this from INFPs.
they are the last person to ‘use’ anyone. if anything, they get used.
and i try to protect INFPs from being used. because my brother is an INFP and i see this happen very often.

with INTJ, it’s more of fair-trade. it’s like… making a deal.
here, you do this for me, i’ll do this for you.

INTPs also don’t do this. but they don’t really get used either.
they neither use people or get used by people.

ENTJ or ESTJ, and even ISTJ, they can be commanding. but doesn’t feel used.
because they usually do all the work.
so i guess if they have Te in 1st or 2nd, they don’t give you that feeling of being used.

believe it or not, i get this feeling from a lot of Fe users.
not so much ENFJs or ESFJs, because they like to please you.

but more from INFJs and ISFJs.
their emotional manipulation to get what they want, is what leaves me feeling, ‘oh my goodness you selfish bastard!’

i get this from ENTPs the most actually.

and many ENTPs have admitted to me that they use people like a drone sometimes.
or for their selfish needs.

although they mean well…which is hard to believe.

i don’t know many ENTPs who keep people around if they are useless to them.

unless they are very old and mature in age.
or they have a family to take care of so it’s more of a mandatory thing.

with ESTPs, not me, but other ESTPs, they do it in a way that makes me feel good for doing them a favor.
although probably at the end of the day, i was ‘used’, but i don’t feel that icky feeling afterwards.

for example,
it seems like ENTP doesn’t consider other people’s time and energy,
they just wanna do things when they are in the mood.

but if ENTP is tired, which is rare in itself. they’ll kick people out real quick.
although other people are having fun.

so that self-serving attitude is what i notice and make me think ‘damn, that person is so selfish!’


#3

oh, and these experiences are very subjective so it may not even be true for others


#4

I do think different MBTI types will trigger other MBTI types differently. For instance, I have felt used by ESTJ’s, but it has a different less emotional flavor to others using. It is more they want attention or expect service.
Agree with your observances about INTP, INTJ, get no demands from ISTJ that I can think of. INFP is tricky, cause I am married to him, makes it complicated. Maybe I just get tired of being a soundboard, but I am sure he gets tired of being the main dishwasher.
And I don’t have the same ability to know what type brings on this used feeling most. Haven’t got them all sorted yet and I don’t ask for tests.
@johnonymous, I will give this more attention later when I can work through some of this in morning pages, lest I whine and wax bitter.
@supernokturnal I would like an example or three of INFJ’s using you. Not doubting, just need to check in with your perception.


#5

I have had people point out to me that I being used, and there have been times where I just note that stuff isn’t reciprocated (what some people would call being a fool). But it’s always after the fact and with some delay the realization. So it takes away the feeling of being used a little bit and replaces it with confusion and unease lol. Because if you realize something one month later, you don’t feel used “in the moment”. It’s more like a dawn of reality. Like you “update” your image of the person. “This kind” of person does not think in these terms and thinks that if you allow being used it is fine to use you. That kind of thing. So then you adjust your behavior. A defensive judgement you could say. But useful if you don’t notice things while they are happening. But it’s not like I am not aware that I also fail to reciprocate in lots of ways. So yeah I wonder if maybe people don’t use entps? Maybe that’s why you don’t feel used?

Entps always have a vibe like you just get distracted from whatever sinister thoughts you could be having inside. Not sure why.


#6

i guess many authority figures have been ISTJ to me, so that’s what i was referring to.

okay cool!
it’s not like BAD like i get from ENTP. although i’m friends with a lof of them hahah
and families.

INFJs do this withtout really noticing, i think.
it may be due to me not wanting to be helped by anyone too.
because many INFJs offered help or whatever, but i tend to always reject them.

but anyhow.

INFJs using.

INFJs haven’t really used me in a sense.
but the ones i’m close to, reach out to me when they’re bored out of their mind.

but i do see how they use others.

one INFJ girl, she knew that these few guys were into her.
so she used them as ‘sexual’ experiments.
because she was a virgin. so she wanted to try things out with them without any emotions attached.
weird eh?

and one INFJ guy, he uses his ex-girlfriend as a backup. whenever he’s lonely or horny, he hits her up and stirs her up emoitionally and do things with her. and he will be away from her again.
because his ex-girlfriend is still in love with him, and he knows this, so he uses that against her whenever he needs something. she has lend him so much money also.
he says he feels bad and tries his best to pay her back, but action speaks louder.

hmm… 3rd example.
one INFJ guy, he had a crush on his lesbian friend. and he was trying to turn her straight… hahahah
anyways. she one day told him she felt very comfortable with him. and he saw ‘chance’ of getting inside her pants? maybe? and one day he asked her question more directly, and she said "eww no! you’re like my brother!"
and i think that hurt him a little, and he stopped being so nice to her after taht.
she was pretty though.
and he tend to hang out with ‘prettier’ girls. and use it as a ‘trophy’ like 'look at me, i have a pretty girl with me, even though she’s lesbian, you don’t know that’
and yes, he told me that’s how he thinks.
and that he likes getting attention from other guys at the mall staring at him with jealousy.
even though she’s exclusively homosexual and interested in women.

yup. so 3 examples.

oh, and i’m not mad at them for doing it.
because it’s not directed at me.


#7

You reminded me of how interesting infjs are. I have seen manipulation. But there is always a hint that if confronted with it they will be completely destroyed or there will be a tantrum where you will have to pay for it with psychological evisceration. Kind of frustrating. I don’t know if they manipulate more than other NF types, but I do know that sometimes there is “chess” going on, so it’s like damm smart manipulation. Or sometimes they do what I consider a normal-sized gesture, what some other types do, but to them it feels very large gestures, like they just offered the world to you. Often this kind of works because since they can empathize like no other they have something noone else can give. But sometimes they offer what no one else can but also don’t offer what a lot of other types would give no second thought to offering. Etc. Hmm. It’s actually really hard to describe vibes…


#8

sounds familiar.

i told one INFJ guy that was going back to his ex just to use her, i was yelling at him and called him out and made him think about how it feels like to be her. he cried and said he’ll never do it again and make it up to her.
again. actions speaks louder.
he never really made up to her. he used her couple more times. and eventually just stopped contacting her.
but karma is funny. because the same thing happened to HIM!
do you know the term ‘side-chick’? well. this time, he was the 'side-piece’
and it crushed him really bad.
he got cheated on three times by this girl.
i did feel bad for him. but i couldn’t help but to tell him “this situation reminds of me of how you played your ex”

not INFP. no.

well said. and interesting observation.


#9

*^o^ HAHAH High five making INFP husbands wash our dishes!!! In exchange for… listening to their… many… meandering thoughts. lol

@johnonymous Feeling used usually means they felt like they’ve had to comply despite not really wanting to, to keep things peaceful or to not create bigger problems. Some people, such as yourself, have more strong internal locus of control, so you feel like you control the situation even if the other person is trying to take advantage of you. So you tell yourself “well, I let them get away with it, so I wasn’t used, there was something in it for me so I let it happen”, but other types have a looser locus of control so they feel like they often don’t have the power to refuse or power to gain something out of an asymmetric interaction. They more feel “wow, they got something out of me and they aren’t truly grateful for it or seemed like they expected me to cave… and I know I’d never get something back from them reciprocally without them making a big fuss… it’s kind of unfair…?”

I think when INFP “use” it’s really in a cute or friendly way so… it’s hard to really pin them down for anything selfish except that they can seem “rude” for being oblivious or unwilling to engage in some social conventions like friendship maintenance things (regular conversing or visits or reciprocal gestures or something like that).
One really cute thing one of my friends uses me for is sending links about a manga/anime she likes but knows I really dislike. LOL Because she wants someone to share her discoveries or interests with and she knows I will click on those awful links and discuss her thoughts with her anyway (while at the same time I will complain how horrible this thing is). SO like @TinyYellowTree says… a sounding board. lol
Maybe she doesn’t have many other people she is as comfortable with being a nerdy baby at who will like her despite it, so I am prime target for these headaches. But I’m okay with it overall. It’s annoying but it comes with the package of INFP? lol


#10

maybe for some types being available for something they don’t like drains them of energy. Like they feel dangerously low on energy and then their “friend” comes in and starts acting like the last of the energy belongs to someone else.

Meanwhile, for me, if you came in and burned my house down I’d still think we humans are doing pretty good for being apes.


#11

One of the things I came to this morning thinking about it, and writing, was that people don’t have to ask me. I can’t not give what I give [until it is so much and unappreciated/ignorant of how they hurt me and I just shut down with someone]. I can make choices about doing a particular physical favor for someone, but I am always on with people, always giving out what I am and taking in their energy. Unless I am entirely alone I am doing this.
And if they didn’t actually ask, do they have any idea what I’ve given, what it costs me, or what it is worth if I asked for nothing in return? If I made no bargain, this I give for that you give? If I do not point out, with a big fuss, my contributions, which would sound inane btw. It leads to total lack of self confidence/self esteem when what I am just looks stingy and selfish and worthless and yet people keep coming, trusting my lazy ass and basking in my knee-jerk tenderness. I wonder if they ask themselves why I am compelling to them? Why on earth am I of interest? I am plain and quiet and barely share so that it appears to some I am without a personality of my own, no? Why do people come? I am not social. I do not return calls for weeks, if I do. I am not a good friend, I don’t understand how other people do the close friend thing.

Lunar, you are going to know this is brought on by what you said. I love you. Not upset with you, you just hit so very deep.
An ongoing core thing. I do not mean to scathe the messenger.
Not thinking pages avoided the crash and burn and I just proved what you said. Le sigh.


#12

I understand @TinyYellowTree
Infjs do give that impression. I want to call it a bleeding of energy. Not sure how else to describe.
And sorry for giving you that burn feeling again.
I was sort of aware it was possible. It’s kind of like modes. I talk to one person I am in one mode, talk to another, another mode…it’s tricky in a forum where there are so many people. Everytime anyone writes about any infp lunacy etc…I start to feel like a virus…so I know it feels very susceptible when stuff goes around that part of oneself. Oh it’s so weird psychology isn’t it.
But you know when you wrote you are tired of being a sounding board, I knew what you meant…I felt a bit ashamed myself “indirectly” for the infp team etc.


#13

I think I am anemic…

Appreciate your understanding.

And ditto on the susceptibility and sounding board thing. Thought about deleting that. Then thought you know I am not trying to hurt, just be honest.


#14

no. secretly it’s helpful. at least to me.


#15

Again, ditto.


#17

currently watching that video (having trouble quoting and replying) still…


#18

Oh bugger… I can’t quote from my phone… but I understand tiny… it pricked me too… because I don’t think I ever make demands of anyone… the last thing I want to do is annoy or hurt someone else… I’ll take what I can on myself… from the bigger things to silly insignificant things… like sitting in freezing cold temperature even when I’m suffering from sinusitis and falling sick rather than asking someone to raise the temperature so that no one else has to experience any sort of bodily discomfort… or holding my pee in even though my bladder is going to burst while listening to someone talk so that I don’t have to interrupt them… allowing others to manipulate me knowing exactly what they are doing rather than call them out on it (this one really takes the most self control)… anyway… in all honesty it’s probably true that I don’t offer much to people that means something to them… most of the giving is silly invisible things like those i stated above, which really drain my soul… because I guess I am selfish and all I really want is to be left alone where no one would bother me, so giving even those small things feels like a lot… and I don’t understand the attraction either… I’m never actually ‘there’ for a person in real time, when it matters/the way it matters… and I did think about what super said… about his infj friends calling him when they are bored… I don’t think i do that… ever… I am too shy and self-deprecating (what can I say that is interesting to someone else?) and I also have too huge an ego to do something like that… my call history is only incoming calls (mostly unanswered) and no outgoing… I can’t relate to feeling bored when I don’t have company… that’s when I am happiest/relieved… and then… I really thought about INFJ manipulation… I won’t deny that I have been manipulated by other INFJs… but their manipulation arises from a difficulty in asking for what they want directly… it always hurts when they do that because it feels like an insult to my affection/intelligence or something… but yeah I let it go because I know how hard it is for them to demand… and maybe I come across the same way to them… god knows… but I do loathe to ask anyone for anything because I hate owing anyone anything… especially money… I would die hungry but not take money from someone else… I don’t keep tab on what I give but I do keep tab on what I take and I like it to be a clean sheet from my end… anyway I guess this is another example of infj being self-absorbed… sigh… thanks for sharing your feelings… got mine off my chest…


#19

I feel really bad for having written callous stuff. @Piggie and @TinyYellowTree

a segway…this is my little son’s joke

“knock knock”
“who’s there?”
“a man and the man has a box and there is a poop in it”


#20

Hahaha nooo lunar! Don’t feel bad! It’s kinda cool to know what other people see, cause that’s what really interests me… it’s just weird how different it feels on the inside and what it feels/looks like to others… makes one think how little we really know what’s going on in someone else’s mind… or even what a thought looks like externally… I want to record myself through someone else’s eyes some day :stuck_out_tongue:

Hahaha your son is hilarious :joy:


#21

I wrote a response but accidentally killed it and am sad. lol

But it was something like… I think we should just accept that sometimes we will annoy and inadvertently use others for our own needs because we are all different people, and we may even use ourselves sometimes via fulfilling one need by sacrificing another. So what’s important is to try to be kind where it counts, including to ourselves, because the rest is probably all a wash anyway.

Also I think sometimes it’s good to be explicitly selfish too! Don’t put the burden on other people because you are “self sacrificing FOR them”. Like sheesh… don’t blame other people for pissing your pants! lol Risking peeing pants is… a self-made problem! (that I often do too hahah… too lazy to get up and change activities) You don’t even need to ask. Just a declarative “ok i pee/eat/sleeps now” and zoom away. ^-^

And I also wanted to share this wonderful self-pleased shameless using by my INFP friend:

INFP: i had to like read the history 3x, watch video summaries of it, think about it, relay it out to Prax to understand where everyone stands
Wendy: ahhahahahahaha
Wendy: Prax doesnt even like that show!!!
INFP: i know. she has to endure
Wendy: ASHALHEGNLLGHH
Prax: yhahahha yes
Prax: i must endure her ramblings
Prax: as she pieces herself together
Prax: true love

Cutes… … I love her more for it hahah! Even if it annoyings sometimes.