I want to feel jealousy?!@#!!


#1

So, my husband said to me a week ago about this dating site he just signed up and that two women approached him that first day.
And I’m like, mmm… good, that’s wonderful news, when are you meeting?..
Yesterday he told me he has more than ten women who desperately waiting for him, the site’s admin included (22 years younger than him).
And I’m, like, oh sweetheart! I’m so happy for you!
And I mean it! Truthfully, with all my heart!

Why can’t I love him, damn it!
He’s such a nice guy, he cares about me, always asks the children if they had any dinner (because I don’t like cooking, obviously).

What’s wrong with me???


#2

WTH good is asking about dinner, maybe if he cooked it he’d be a keeper. Are you on the outs or in an open relationship? Anyway, men (and women) who can cook are sexy. Not just making basic edibles for a family, but taking time and pride in perfecting at least a few impressive recipes, experimenting with techniques, and developing skills to make everything tasty.


#3

Ha! Once I was in love with a chef, until he destroyed me with his stinking self!

Is it an infj thingy, or an individual karma?

Omg! I’m going to enjoy sex the same way I like folding sheets everyday!

Maybe it’s because he’s infp?
Or maybe it’s some kind of humanism Dark Ages energy floating all around?

:face_with_raised_eyebrow:


#4

Yeah, it’s not really about cooking, but it could be. I think Ni doms need to find positive ways to connect with other organs besides their brain. Why are you folding sheets everyday? If he is getting together with the floozies at your place, he should be the one cleaning up after, otherwise, once a week should be fine.


#5

Please explain to me! :slightly_smiling_face:

Just an inner-introverted joke of mine…
A metaphor for my spiritual creative life. Me being mystical!


#6

Mindfulness, mostly Se in mb terms, but it has a transformative, mystical quality. Awareness of every facet of ones’ being in the present moment, openness and receptivity, flow, continuous dance with the universe. You never really answered my question about how relationship got to this point, if you’re content with an open relationship that’s fine although I can’t relate. You expressed frustration that you don’t feel jealousy and can’t love him and that sounds like you’re maybe dissociated and disconnected from your emotional and physical side. Or maybe it’s just him that leaves you cold and apathetic.

What are you doing? Have you checked out dating sites or at least have an eye for anyone you do find attractive?

Also, wonder why women lining up for 40+ married guy; it all seems quite odd.


#7

Thank you, Geneva. Little by little, I start to see a picture like of puzzle and it helps me to continue and collect missing pieces.

As to your questions, it’s not easy for me to answer.

My life story, from the very beginning, was an unusual one, I didn’t have a normal home.
Maybe I have to revisit my past…
I was raped a week after my 15th birthday. On my birthday I was in my house and my mother, when she saw I am alone, she gave me a pipe and a bag of marijuana and a box of matches. I remember how much fucking stoned I was then.
So. This thing that happened afterward was my first time. He was 28. I knew him. Never mind. And I thought, I brought it upon myself and I’m not the only one… maybe it wasn’t a ‘real’ rape 'cause I am naive, it’s my fault… you know what I mean? Now is the first time that I unlock this thing. I don’t know why.
My hand is shaking while I write. Even if it happened 31 years ago.
Well, I decided to self-destruct me. I tried to be a junky. I had a friend who died and some went in a mental hospital. My body
rejected this repulsive disgusting stuff. I was sick all the time.
It was than that I did the paintings and why I threw them.
I think the thing that saved me is this endless love, a powerful craving for beauty, all things beautiful. I don’t know
why, but it’s so rooted in my consciousness!

So. I met my husband some years later and felt obliged to save him! He was orphaned, like with no family at all. And I cared about him and so I decided to do his laundry!
(I’m good with this shit, you know, because I had to take care for myself while my mother took care of her marijuana then get stoned with her boyfriends)
I still do for 25 years now, happily/sadly ever after…

Now I’m getting older and a bit wiser, I want my inner beauty back, like
a wildfire, I feel it burning from the inside.

That’s it for now.

Said too many times ‘I’. Going to talk of my cat for a week now. Her name is Sue Ellen, J.R’s sue.


#8

I know I didn’t answer (again with ‘I’ grrr) your questions directly and there are more. Me can’t do that with Ti. Only with Images. And grammar mistakes. Didn’t go to high school so studied English by my self.


#9

You can use first person singular pronouns all you want and grace us with your unique INFJ experiences and insights- or not. You’re a survivor and a queen. If I knew you in real life, I’d take you fishing. You’d probably like that about as much as sex and folding sheets.

Now, I’ve got enough to the story to concur you’re INFJ. I’ve dropped a philandering ex like a smelly sock, and I’d expect INFJ to do similarly but with more scorched earth. It sounds like you’ve been pouring sugar on your Fi id for a long time.

It’s okay to not be nice, to put yourself before other adults, and even to get mad. Jealousy is really just anger with a bigger back story. Sounds like you pride yourself on taking care of others and being calm to support them. I think your choice of a weak partner and even your craving for love and beauty are centered around avoiding anger. I actually hope reading that pisses you off a little. Your anger won’t destroy you and everyone you love, it’s just part of being human. Maybe you’re genuinely not angry or jealous with your husband though. Sounds like that’s gone too far down the drain to expend much angst on, I don’t think anything beyond a sisterly affectionate relationship would be any good for your self esteem- and let him do his own damn laundry!

Yeah! follow that fiery feeling, see where it wants to take you.


#10

Thank you Gen, I do appreciate everything you wrote.
You made me smile and laugh and I’d love to go fishing!

Actually, I want to be the fish, but never ever let anyone to catch me!


#11

Oh, geneva. You are right in all that you said.

natinka, you are nice – and that is okay – but people are not afraid to be mean to nice people. You would be justified to feel angry about many things in your life. If you don’t want to get angry, then protect yourself. Show people that you will go away if they aren’t nice to you. Remove yourself. Start by leaving the room. No explanation needed. Go as far as you need to go.

Your biggest problem is the risk to your children. Every child wants Mommy and Daddy to be in love. Open marriages are confusing because they are not the norm in our society. That is because most people get jealous.

Do you want to be jealous? Think of this: Your husband could fall in love with another woman, and you will lose part – or all – of his time, his attention, and his money. So will your children. He could start a whole second family.

Does this worry you? If it doesn’t, then be honest: Do you want him to leave? If so, admit it. Then move out and start your own separate life. But be careful for your children.


#12

Jealousy is not a fun emotion. You are associating love with jealousy. I don’t believe those two are always paired, so be careful.

So, you’ve not answered many questions and left a lot of gaps, so I’ll just make some assumptions for now - until you correct me. You’re in an open relationship or you’ve just begun trying it…because marriage…? Sounds like he hopped right on that opportunity… lol. Do you feel he is telling you because he wants a possessive reaction out of you instead of “go get 'em, killer!”? Is this a hook-up site or a dating site? You’ll have to share more details if you want us to tell you what’s wrong with you. :innocent:
Are you jealous of his success on a “dating” site and not jealous of his attention/love? Is that what the problem is?

Talk to me.


#13

Thank you, Erika and Christine for replying, I don’t know how to do the ‘Like’ button on my phone, although I like to ‘Like’ …
And yes, I tend to be blurry when I’m writing. I took all this (gaps & farther questions) to heart!
Can I blame my Ni function? :smirk:

Anyway, this issue with Feelings.
It’s complicated to explain - the whole concept is clear in my head, I’ll do my best, for me, too.

To me, feelings, in general, are like the moon. The moon has no light of it’s own. It get its power of shining from the sun. And always has a dark side. Right?
The same thing with feelings: feeling is just a feeling, there is no good feeling or bad feeling. We people have the right to feel! All problems begins with the way we perceive them, the way the subject interpret them - good or bad, right or wrong?
Past experiences, education, parental ways & situations , upbringing, Faith, friends and so on - there are many factors involved with the way we perceive feelings.
What’s one’s inner core belief about love? One say heartache maybe broken heart, other say happiness, true connection, something to avoid, an illusion… I don’t know. Think of something. There are endless possibilities for one feeling. My husband says to me, occasionally, “I love you” and then he would joke "you’rethe only one who agreed to marry me ". When I ask him what is the meaning of love, subjectively, he won’t answer. I know he doesn’t like to revisit his feelings so I drop it off. When someone says to me “I love you” - I need to SEE it. What are words without action? On the other hand, I use the ‘iloveyou’ line rarely, I admit. But then, I DO SHOW it! To me, love is related to happiness, among other things, and so when I love, I ask myself, what can I do to make this person happy. I think it’s important to pay attention to details, to learn and observe really carefully, it’s a like a hobby I like to play. Because I love to love and I love to be happy. But what happens when the other person don’t see it the way I do? Doesn’t pay attention to details?.. keep forgetting…
I don’t know. These are mostly hypotheses. Not necessarily reality.
And now, about jealousy and angry, they are very different one from the other and positive in my opinion. Hell! I accept and perceive all feelings as positive. They come to tell me something for my well-being. And then, I CHOOSE how to react when they show up - if I’m lucky and have the sense of consciousness, awareness. But if I’m ignorant of my choices and act unconsciously - because the way I perceive feelings is subconsciously, than anger or jealousy, more than not, are receiving a negative form. These feelings are intense indeed! That the reason why most people don’t want to feel them.

I have much more to say, but it’s 2:30 am here on this side of the planet :grinning:

I promise to continue :hugs:
:blue_heart::boom::green_heart::bomb:


#14

I see some of my mistakes and places that need editing, clearances. Next time…


#15

5 AM and I can’t sleep.
Jealousy.
An evil eye. To be possessed and obsessed with someone who isn’t yours (or something).
I know. through my teenage years, I went all the way drawing myself in Fi. I cut myself once, just a little (don’t worry!) Because of jealousy. Gah! So stupid. I wasn’t myself, poor thing.
Jealousy. To feel the highest and the deepest levels of belonging and property value. Like a man who see’s another man flirting with his wife, so he takes her hand and rushing home. Then they make sex (ducking, making love, whatever)
Fe to Fe. Mmm… I wonder how it feels… Not in the jealous way! But truthfully, happy for them. Lucky stars!


#16

Do you have an open relationship with your husband? Meaning, do you each have an understanding that you each can seek out other romantic relationships while still married to each other?


#17

I see jealousy in terms of survival – defending resources – natinka, while you see it in terms of feelings – increasing passion. My viewpoint is Se, like animal instinct. “Get competing females off of my territory so that my mate gives more protection and food to me and my offspring.” It’s actually more logical and less emotional than the way you describe jealousy.


#18

According to Lacan female desire is the desire of the Other, and hence they will create jealousy either for themselves, or for someone else, just to examine the desire in question.

But I’m not a Lacanian!


#19

Back to confront my inner turmoil, now that’s something I should acknowledge with my husband’s last name is fear and avoidance. I do try to not see this vision. Oh! but the familiarity with a strange sensation of bitterness and consistent feelings of grief…
Sooner than later I will turn into a Greek tragedy.

No, and here it is. We’ve been married for 23 years, neither of us cheated. But except having children, we have nothing in common to keep us together. I am more confident now that I’ve read Blake’s article:
INFP: Got Se Minimums?

INFP are extremely sensitive, never easy to be read. But I know him better.

It can get ugly too. And with the children in between? These are delicate humans we’re talking about.
Dealing with my husbands’ Fi is the hardest experience I have to deal with.
Sometimes I enjoy to provoke him using the genius way of bitchiness most of us women share, taking pleasure in stirring up what kind of emotions are hidden there?

“their Fi dominant function (which everything is for them)” - everything is about him, like a boomerang.
Opposed to
“The sheer enjoyment of doing in the moment.
Se is bodily intelligence”, Mr. Blake’s advice.
If only I could find a way as gentle as can be than maybe finlley he will see there are other women in the sea!
Extremely dependent on me, INFP Husband would never let me go.
It’s like I have become his cognitive functions.
Always relying upon me to figure everything out for him.

“It is hard for them to be clear in their communications with others, to essentially say, “this is you and over here lies me and between us lies a gap of separation”.
I believe freedom exists only when there are boundaries which defined by values and the price is taking 100% responsibility. Why can’t I share, with hub my wishes & values?

I gave him my heart for an idyllic and a naive dream.
Why would he let me go when he has the best deal? He would fight, I’ll tell you. INFJ is a warrior, not a fighter. And the best housewives and mothers in the world! A big Fe mother’s love. The best ever!


#20

Damn, gurl. I thought I was dramatic :yum:

I have a lot of opinions and suggestions, but what good are they when I don’t actually live in your situation to properly assess the damages? And even if I did know your exact situation and could give you sound advice, the situation is always more layered than that, right? So, I’ll refrain.

I will say however, you don’t need no jealously in your life. Looks like you have other bitter feelings that will suffice.