Because I guess it matters where they are asked, and about what. Ah, it is actually exhausting I have To say. That must be why I find it stressful doing social media! Too many unknown eyes watching and then like, to keep track of the rules, and just knowing at any time that I might have made a social mistake in the past–which was probably minuscule and unimportant, but what if it wasn’t? There are almost infinite possible social errors recorded forever online, attached to my usernames.
But not this one. This one has its own thread and isn’t in the wrong thread, that much I know! Okay go:
Hey @Ankh, what is your answer to the Q I asked on that other thread?
But also surely you must know I’m not going to start a private message thread with a mustached under thirty year old ENFJ–I have a family! Okay more accurately I would rather die than start a private message thread because a private message thread would require a totally different set of rules in my head from those which I have established for This semi-private forum. Logging into the forum would cost me twice as much, mentally, every time. Just the possibility that I might have to conduct both modes any given day would pretty much keep me from coming back to the forum. Weird huh.
I do something for a living that is satisfying on days. It’s satisfying for my THINKING skills (waaa? You’re an enfj, gurl.)! As for my soul, which I find more satisfying to fulfill it’s mission, I am still in search. And I hope I never stop. I definitely hope I haven’t found it at age 29. That’s boring, right?
“I like smoke and lightning
Heavy metal thunder
Racin’ with the wind
And the feelin’ that I’m under
Yeah Darlin’ go make it happen
Take the world in a love embrace
Fire all of your guns at once
And explode into space”
So like when I was making that questionnaire I was thinking, “how old is this Erika. I don’t know. What do I want to know? I want to know if she is younger than my wife was when my wife started being not like this article. I’ll split this question at thirty.”
But I do not know if my wife can be said to have settled down at thirty. I met her when she was 35.
It may be I was thinking “my wife settled down at 30,” but actually my brain was saying, “Erika is 29.”
No, I want to know a bunch more, I was only parsing out what it was I wanted to know with regard to age. I didn’t know her before she was age 35. I miss her when she was happy. She was happy when she thought she was headed the right direction.
Conversations with me must be understood to be taking place between interruptions by kids. So all the best laid plans to solve the mysteries of the girl I love and married have gone out my brain windows…my son was so sweet tonight! And then we were like, hey, what’s going on here. Oh. He’s got a fever at 101 and hes talking actual nonsense, not normal type autism routine! Okay. 101 isn’t deadly or anything, but. Been working on making him a little more comfy the last few hours.
Fevers make kids friendly.
And shuffling my mother fucking magic the gathering deck for this Friday’s Friday night magic. And also applied to three jobs wohoo!! One at google, a couple others.
So I kinda forgot to ask what I wanted to know. Mostly want to know how to not argue all the time. It’s just hard when she’s always expressing things with body language or sighs and stuff and I’m like, what’s wrong. And she’s like, nothing.
Hi @johnonymous. I want to make it clear, as well you should already know, I don’t know you or your wife well enough to guess (because it would still be a guess) where she is coming from and why. That will have to come from her mouth directly. I’m sure you know this, but I just want to remind you.
So, what can I do? Not a whole lot. I can tell you about me, that’s it. And not only just me, but my situation.
I feel like in general, chicks are like this. You directly asked me, about how not to argue. I’ll answer it directly: Don’t argue. Simple, done. How does the arguing start? I don’t see an argue from:[quote=“johnonymous, post:15, topic:61”]
I’m like, what’s wrong. And she’s like, nothing.
So, you must be pressing her, or she’s blowing up at random. An argument occurs because two parties don’t agree on something. It then can be fueled by a lot of shit that clouds the primary problem in the first place. i.e. sleep, hormones. I’ll just list those two since they seem like the biggest for your situation. You are busy with kids and she’s pregnant. Not to mention, you have a lot of other stresses caving in.
What do I do when I sigh? Well, I don’t. At least, I think I don’t. I don’t like how my husband baby’s and undermines my emotions, so I don’t show them to often. If I’m cranky, I tell him I’m cranky. And that’s enough for him to “beware” without getting too “deep”. And with me, it usually deals with hormones. It just depends on the cycle. Like, I’m a weirdo when I ovulate and when I’m near my period.
Suggestion?: Somehow, get someone to watch the kids, then take her out to lunch or dinner. And then, pour your feelings out to her. You don’t seem like you are too keen on that. So trying will be an effort noticed and appreciated - hopefully.
Does this help? I hope maybe a little. But the most important thing to remember is that I don’t hold the answer. Your wife does.
Cool, part of what I’m after Here is seeing your response in order to rule in or out whether the ENFJ my wife has typed at is accurate. My own estimate would be isfp, which doesn’t narrow it down too much–I feel isfps can express so uniquely. Your response highlights something about Fe that isnt familiar to my relationship with my wife. She wouldn’t enjoy anyone pouring out feelings. She wants to talk about the day, about the things that happened, about the things that need to get done. I suspect it’s a Fi/Te pole she is flipping back and forth between, living in the sort of intense stress she does, with almost no capacity to get out and Se.
I think that my wife would rather die than discuss feelings. Not with me, but with anybody. I doubt that’s characteristic of Primary Fe.
Right, I am Fe dominant. And you’re right, Fe doesn’t really care about someone’s feelings, but Fe is good at getting them out. So, maybe you could say Fe is better at helping people come to their own realizations? Yeah, I wouldn’t care too much about feelings in the personal connection sense. I would rather enjoy digging them up and getting them out of someone, so they could figure it out themselves. I’d say, I’m good at asking the right questions.
She could be using some sort of defense mechanism too by talking about the day and getting things done. “Let me focus on what needs to get done.” It helps instead of getting caught up in the situation(s) of the big picture. Focus on tiny things. Accomplish tiny things. Is that Si?
@Ankh, that sounds about right. John’s descriptions of his wife sound ISFPish so far… or she maybe whatever one of my family members likely is!
This family member who I think is an ISFP is a pretty emotional person, but a lot of that is under passive-aggressive defences, and she is not very open to discussing vulnerabilities with people she doesn’t trust, including her husband if she thinks he has wronged her on some level recently. It doesn’t help that she has the instinct to expect that her husband should be able to mind-read or get her “hints”. Maybe you are bad at picking up “hints”, yet if she were to explain it to you explicitly, it would “RUIN THE WHOLE POINT!”. It is a bit of a set-up-to-fail testing experience from what I see honestly, but I think what she wants is to see sincere effort in trying to please her. She’s got a bit of angry-soft-power-guilt-trip-ultimatums games thing going on.
She is also raising a kid with autism (somewhat less violent outbursts, but very sensitive to certain sensory experiences), and she is just constantly DRAINED. I think a chaotic environment out of their control is pretty bad for ISFP types, while ENFJ tend to be able to HUNKER DOWN during chaos and just make it work through sheer will/exercise of authority. My family member illustrates and makes art and likes decorating, but it completely is dependent on whether she is in a good mood or not. You know how some artists like INFJ types use art to flow and express and by expressing they feel better? Well for her, it works the opposite! Only when she flows and feels good in the first place does she start making art? It’s a switched dynamic.
So I have begun to just tell her that she needs a maid so her environment is put into place, otherwise she will be overwhelmed by it and whatever tasks she thinks needs to be completed to get it done. Maybe your wife is the same, @johnonymous ? When things are good for her, she is more capable and does more productive stuff on top of it. When things are chaotic or blocking her from what she wants/how she wants to start, she can shut down in an almost vengefully petty way (petty at SO, or the situation, or at destiny, etc), but it also just ends up sabotaging herself at the same time.
With an Si-id, her focus and temptation is to marvel at things that give her nostalgic feelings but ALSO she will live in the past and keep looking at past events as if it will give her clues or meaning or identity with her current situation. It is a form of rumination probably. One missed gift for a birthday can sour her forever until it gets properly “corrected” the next time. That kind of thing. For someone like me, “special days” like Valentines don’t mean much. They come and disappear and I buy cheap candy afterwards, but for her they are landmine days where her loved ones may pass/fail or “life” may pass/fail her.
If this sounds like your wife, then maybe that is why she is so frazzled or argumentative with you (her health issues and her pregnancy and chaos of kids, all of it is keeping her from starting at a good place and may lead to her sniping at you when you try to unravel her mysteries). Maybe the advice would be to just take tasks off her hands and keep her comfortable and do favours for her even when she doesn’t seem to be asking for it. She will repay back in her own way? lol