INFJs and long-term relationships


#1

I’d like to talk about long-term relationships and @Blake’s INFJ post “least likely to be who you think they are” but couldn’t find an appropriate thread. My apologies if this one is redundant.

In the introduction thread I revealed how that blog post shook me. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it this week. It has taken me four days to read ALL the comments. And I think the comments are fantastic and the best part.

It is my hope that the pessimistic picture @Blake painted for INFJs in long-term relationships can be mitigated with:

  • knowledge of the patterns exhibited by INFJs in long-term relationships (thanks @Blake)
  • honest and frequent communication with your partner
  • finding a partner with a personality that causes less natural (out of the box) friction
  • careful maintenance of your emotional relationships when you enter monk mode (I feel like this will be possible because of the knowledge of the patterns @Blake exposed. The INFJ knows they will eventually come out of this phase so some work must be done to make sure the relationships stay healthy until then.)

While initially I was fatalistic about @Blake’s blog post and what it meant for me, I have rationalized it with the above points to reach a state of almost optimism. I believe I can cope with this pattern and have both my art and a deep enduring relationship.

I would appreciate people’s experiences or thoughts about this. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Derek


#2

I continue to read @Blake’s posts and just found this comment in the INTJ/INFJ post:

“… There are types that are more compatible with each other and intertype relationships that are less compatible, but potentially any of the relationships could work based on knowledge of the other person, knowledge of yourself, and what you and the other party are willing to do to make it work. That’s the bottom-line.”

This is a far more hopeful picture than the other blog post about INFJs.


#3

I’ve been in a successful long-term relationship with an ENTP guy for over 25 years, so it can be done!


#4

Thank you, @Stewart, I appreciate that information!


#5

I am not an INFJ. This seems to be a very sensitive subject for INFJs - relationships. Also, there be a lot O chicks on this site, so they’re going to be sensitive to it anyway. I hope some more INFJs add their thoughts and comments.

Can I ask you why you want a “deep enduring relationship”? Also, you’ve mentioned you started dating again…what does that mean? Give us details and experiences. You have kids…tell us about all of this.

From Blake’s articles and the little experience I have with INFJs, it seems they want something deep and lasting, but at the same time don’t. Since you seem so forthcoming with information, I will not spare the questions.

What does an ideal long-term relationship look like to you? Be specific.


#6

@Derek, these are excellent questions that @Ankh is asking about INFJs and relationships. So good, in fact, that the other INFJs in this forum could also learn from them (including me!).

As dominant intuitive types, we prefer a generalised, highly abstract approach to life, but that can also be our undoing if we fail to chunk down to specifics from time-to-time. It can lead us to:

  1. Idealise intimate relationships at the abstract level.
  2. Become disappointed and disillusioned when messy reality falls short of our expectations.

So it is a really good idea for INFJs (and other intuitive types) who’ve had some previous, less-than-ideal, relationship experiences to undertake a “reality check” from time-to-time. In other words, to get a clearer sense of what specifically we are seeking in our romantic/erotic relationships, be they long-term or otherwise :wink:!

So here are some additional questions from me that may help in this regard:

What does an ideal long-term relationship sound like to you?
What does an ideal long-term relationship feel like to you?
What are the top four qualities that you specifically value in a potential long-term partner?
What do these qualities look/sound/feel like?
How do they support and enhance your own relationship strengths and weaknesses?
What in fact are your own perceived strengths and weaknesses in interpersonal relationships (be as specific as possible, so what do they look/sound/feel like)?
Who do you trust enough to give you honest and open feedback in this tricky area for our type?

There are no rights and wrongs here, this is merely a method for gathering useful and specific information based from our own experiences of close relationships. But it is exactly this type of specific, sensory-based details that make all the difference in gaining a better understanding of what works and doesn’t work for us in relationships of all kinds, be they romantic or otherwise.

I’m sure the other wise souls on this forum can come up with further questions and insights to help us better understand and appreciate our type-based relationship needs, strengths and yes, weaknesses (Heavens! No! :innocent: :smiling_imp:)…


#7

Yeah, yeah! What he said!

You know, have we ever covered this on the forum?? These questions? Maybe we have, but in a choppy format. This is a great thread, @Derek! We’re gonna learn a lot from this.


#8

Thank you very much for your replies @Ankh and @Stewart. Such great questions. It concerns me that I don’t have immediate answers for them all. I want to reflect on them for a bit and then I’ll return and update this post. Thanks again.


#9

For a long-term relationship, I would like the fun, growth, intellectual discussions that I have with an ENTP combined with the kindness, security and stability of an ISTJ (I have several specific people I know in mind when saying this–some ISTJs are real jerks so it isn’t universally applicable). If I didn’t have Fi id, I would probably try for a marriage to an ISTJ and a long-term affair with an ENTP, something that none of the people I know would be okay with.

The biggest problem I’ve found is that I need the security and stability Si provides in an intimate relationship in order to be sane/ have my fundamental needs met. However, sensor types quickly become overwhelmed by me and I become bored and dissatisfied with them. Therefore I need an outlet who can handle my volatility and inspire me to grow–thus the ENTP.

I’ve thought that maybe an ESTP with a well developed Ni might work if they could keep up interest in my philosophical meanderings. Also, an ENTJ can deal with the chaos inside since they are also strong and chaotic, but I think most of them prefer their relationships to be simple (ENTPs think they do too, but they really don’t–they just don’t know it). Theoretically an INTP would be good, but it never works out to being more than friends–they are the guy I feel that I should marry but can’t quite bring myself to do so.


#10

Realz reminded me of this post.

I wonder if over a month’s time is enough for INFJ to reflect on something…

My guess is you like to romanticize thinking of the ideal. When simply put, you just want a friend.


#11

A BEST friend… Who one can fuck.

No?


#12

Ahh but then what’s the difference between a lover and a best friend who you can get frisky with under the sheets for you Stellar Mazians??


#13

One you don’t have to get deeply emotionally invested in and the other you don’t really have a choice…?

Ni decides either way.


#14

Why the uncertainty??

Which one is which??


#15

Because if an INFJ let’s someone in, it’s all chips in and they are committing for a looooong time / life on their end.

Criplingly emotionally involved vs. Arms length.


#16

Ohhh ok I think I understand…

Wow it sounds like quite a challenge to actually let someone in if the stakes are that high…I wonder how many infjs just float around their whole lives without making that kind of soul shattering connection…better to have never done it than be scarred irreversibly I guess…


#17

Fi Id fam. Shit sucks.

My guess is a lot of them honestly. What’s that one Fiona Apple quote? Love is a death im just not willing to bear? Something around those lines. INFJ.


#18

Damn that blows

It’s amazing how similar enfjs and infjs appear on first glance (I think there’ve been threads on here lamenting how hard it is to tell apart xnfj women especially) but then I encounter something like this and it sounds so wildly different to me.

So wildly different…yet so tragically beautiful…


#19

“You say love is a hell you cannot bear
And I say give me mine back and then go there
For all I care”

Fiona Apple is an INFJ. Yes.


#20

Hmm, yes. But sex can be a distraction and it’s a distraction that INFJs fall prey to too often. If INFJs (any type really) want a long-term relationship, they should probably focus more on the friend part than the sexual part.