INFP/INFJ old friendship fail


#1

I’m an INFJ who has recently been abandoned by an INFP good friend of almost two decades, without an explanation.

After a few of months of analysing my feelings and taking it apart on a rational level, I though I could do far worse than ask this insightful community, in particular INFPs, for opinions and experiences.

My friend and I are both female and both really interested in type theory. She sometimes types as INFJ, though identifies as INFP and I can see why. I can definitely sense the presence of that soft romantic vibe Blake talks about. She is gentler and more easy going than me, as well as insightful and interesting, our conversations have always been fulfilling to me, and make me feel alive. I admire her strong core, her perseverance and steadfastness. She’s so much better than me at sticking to her path and choices (even those she does not enjoy, such as a job) and does not have the self-destructive streak in her. She just seems much more balanced and I envy her the gravitas she somehow has; her centre of gravity is firmly within and keeps her anchored to her beliefs. I, on the other hand, do not have that internal strength and feel much more at the mercy of others with regards to self esteem. I am not sure if this is type-consistent (Fi/Fe) or just an an individual difference, not tied to type.

As far as differences I suspect that in her heart of hearts (surprisingly to me every time) she is not as open minded as me and with much more of a tendency to follow the society’s norms. This would include things like being very open about a desire to live in a “good area” of her city, which to me sounds a bit vanilla, as my preference is for the “grittier” surroundings, a bit more edgy, rather than manicured lawns and rich neighbours. Another example of this is that she can be quite prescriptive linguistically, and quite stubborn in her assertions that only the norms traditionally seen as “correct” should be used. I feel that I am far more allowing when it comes to language, but also on a freedom seeking level I abhor the tendencies of prescriptive grammarians to impose rules which stifle language. I feel like that about any other prescriptive tendencies, too.
I feel that my friend is not as much of a liberal as me, and I find that a shock each time it comes to the fore.
(I can sort of see that she’d be a far better partner for my ESFJ ex boyfriend!). This strong tendency to uphold arbitrary rules takes me by surprise every time, as does the vengeance with which she does it - as she seems so much more “go with the flow” and flexible than I could ever aspire to be, and I find it dissapointing and almost hurtful (that will be my dark INFJ relational negativity). But I accept this difference between us, and it does not detract from the friendship being very valuable. I understand that she is not naturally drawn to the rebellious tendencies and the darker side of existence. Almost like she would rather remain blind to it (Not In My Back Yard) and is not interested in understanding it; she just wants to live her life and enjoy it. I envy her this lack of pull into the darkness, at the same time.

I hope to make it clear that I have great respect for my friend, and value our old friendship. I also look up to her greatly and place a lot of value on her judgements and opinions with regard to others. I find many of the things she says really enlightening and her take on interpersonal dynamics very eye-opening. It’s the meeting of Ne and Ni, I think.

The problem I now have is that this friend has, without a word of explanation, cut off all the ties between us. It is not a vengeful act, but feels more like self-protection on her part. As if, I had upset her greatly, perhaps over a long time, and repeatedly, and she didn’t mention it and then decided to just cut me off. Perhaps she thought or felt that there was not enough good in our relationship to balance out my negative qualities (I think INFPs are good at self-preservation). I have to add that we have never argued, in all the time we have known each other. We live about 2 hours away from each other and would spend a weekend together every couple of months and Skype and phone every weekend. I realise that INFPs dislike intensity, so maybe that was part of the problem, although after a stormy period in my life I have levelled out my emotions by a fair bit, removing the stressors from my life and using my Fe. (I am obviously fairly intense by comparison with her).
However, I can’t help feeling that it was some sort of personal annoyance with something that is the essence of me that my friend could not work with any more, and from which she wanted to shelter herself, so she decided to let me go. She also didn’t think that talking to me about it would make any difference, or so it appears to me, as she has not complained to me even once about anything I did, and given me chance to put it right or be more careful. This leads me to believe that it was something essential she didn’t think I would be able to correct.

In our friendship we have always supported each other. I feel I supported her in more practical ways with my Fe, coming to the rescue and looking after her, offering various types of support etc. typical INFJ (Fe too) behaviour, I am guessing, the saviour complex. She, on the other hand, always helped me in other ways, listening to my outburst when I was going through a lot of darkness in my life, always ready to make me feel better about my choices and really understood and supported. It felt like we covered off each other’s weaker points, at least to me. It felt worthwhile, helpful, useful and just good, right.

Since realising that she has chosen to not be in contact, I have tried to reach out a few times, however without putting pressure on her (or so I think, in any case). I have sent her a couple of thoughtful texts asking how she was doing, and letting her know that I’m thinking of her and hoping that she is ok and everything in her life is in order, and that I’m concerned it might not be. Offering her my help, if she needed it. I forwarded her a couple of articles which I though she would find interesting and recently wrote her a brief letter and a card, being careful not to come across demanding, but more than anything interested in her and in her life. I did mention that I had been wondering what had caused her to withdraw and that if ever she wanted to reconnect, then I would really like that, and that she could explain in her own good time, in person or in writing, if that was easier and less confrontational. I also said how important our friendship was to me and that I am really sorry to have done anything to hurt her or cause her upset, and was fully prepared to apologise. But that I, despite lots of soul searching, could not pinpoint anything recent that would have caused this rift.

Hence my conclusion here, that I may have worn her down with some negative aspect of myself.

So here we have an INFJ grieving over a loss of a friend, and still so self centred in her soul-searching and quite far up her own arse, it would appear! :wink: all this happens and I am still Ni-ing away about the theory of why this would have happened… There is also an element of fear - what does her rejection say about me as a person? She is so kind and level in her emotions, and yet she felt she had to leave me behind. Scary stuff.
But most of all it is that Ni inward looking search for a rational explanation and a desire to put it right, even if we cannot be friends, to make amends in any way I can.

I guess my questions to you are how would you want this situation handled, if you were in my friend’s place. How would you like me to behave in order to show you that you are important to me and that I would do a lot to salvage our friendship?

Any insights would be gratefully received.


#2

I’ll try a reply but have to think a little first.


#3

Thanks, Lunar


#4

I am INTJ, but I’ll give my take and hope INFP will correct and think of something better! hahah

It was probably something pretty arbitrary in your eyes that set her off as “this is a sign, I must move on…!”.
INFJ and INFP tend to trigger one another’s ids, with INFP probably making the INFJ feel like a bad person in their core (INFP Fi => triggering INFJ), and INFJ in generally will make INFP uneasy with their cryptic darkness as if the entire universe is a bad/unintelligible place (INFJ Ni => triggering INFP).

INFP in general take forever to decide on things or take action themselves, I think, so she was probably weighing this for a long, long time, perhaps even wondering if the overall friendship was beneficial to both of you (she may in her heart think she was not very substantial as a friend to you? maybe she thought she was more an enabler in the end?). There is a bit of escapist self-sacrifice in tone to the ones I know. They can change over their lives to start from blank slate, following wherever the winds blow them (perhaps like a sacrifice of a life that were not completely happy with), and sometimes this means leaving behind all previously established connections. But it’s less like INFJ “door slam” or “burning the past” but more of slow peeling away until nothing of them is left. She may have subconsciously started this process a long time ago even?

I wouldn’t know how to fix it. Chances are she DOES still fondly think about you and care a lot about you as a person in her past, but has decided it is easier not to reconnect out of her own lack of energy or motivation. INFP come off socially lazy like that. :stuck_out_tongue: Then one day on a whim she’ll say hi, and the reasoning for it will be just as nonsensensical as when she ghosted. I am sure it will make perfect sense to her though!!! lol You may even become convinced it makes sense (but logically, It won’t, it’s more based on current feelings and whim).
I think the only thing you can really do is bring up something she still loves right now. Like an object that will remind her of her past passion in a “hey isn’t this neat! I thought of u!” way and she might respond to it (or she might be very happy but not respond–lazy).

It’s easier if you just physically appear to her and ask her out for coffee or something because then she can’t just float away into her warm thoughts. Like if you are present and in her face and she is forced to get reacclimated with you in her life. If after a while (months? lol), she’s still slowly peeling away after you reconnect, then you will know she probably just thinks you’re incompatible and you’ll need to move on forever and be happy with what you had in the past. My brother, who I believe is INFP, has disconnected from previous friends and he’s fairly stubborn about it and also too lazy to “try” to put new efforts into it again. I wouldn’t know how to fix that either. Maybe INFP are just those types of friends… nice to “have had” and then just let go of once it’s gone its course.


#5

IIKHi Katnip,
I am surprised your friend did not write back. I would figure an Infp has soft spot and can’t actually do binding closure if reached out to, unless this is some kind of procrastination happening.

I think your reaching out is what an infp would like. Unless the letter was somehow subtly implying that she is the one that is causing all the problems. A surprise expression of appreciation might also get her attention. Something more light to suggest “it is okay”.

As infp I have a few reasons relationships might fail. One is physical distance. If I don’t think it can be overcome it kind of makes me too sad and I give up after a certain number of attempts to bridge physical gap.

Other reasons could be I wasn’t actually being myself. Trying too hard to have a friend. Then realizing how much work it is to do that. Or not having enough in common or enough natural chemistry for it to be more fun than work. Sometimes too much else is going on in my life and all relationships like all of them kind of go on pause.

With infj in particular there can be certain difficulties. Certain stressors. I have had an infj open up to me. I say something and I just know they think “that’s not what I am saying” like they experience frustration with my for lack of better term “stupidity”/callous nature. Also they don’t actually always find my conversation interesting. So sometimes I feel like I owe them “interesting” etc and this isn’t very comfortable. I experience this the same with intjs. Sometimes they also seem to be disappointed in my friendship ability. I am not the kind of friend they want. Even at the level of emoting etc. It is like a series of disappointments. (amazing is that then infj makes micro adjustments that I can see and then eventually figure out what I did wrong, so there is tons of learning, but it may be harder on the infj for having to do all these insane emotional intelligence maneuvers)

Sometimes I don’t notice an “offering”. If someone tells me “you should do this and this and this” my infp cognition doesn’t always notice any expression of affection. Sometimes I feel like the infj wants to give advice so sometimes I consciously say something like “I trust you to ask advice”. This has 2 effects: infj likes it followed by infj looks down on me. (Usually the advice is of some scary benefit level, so the advice is actually greatly appreciated, but I just may not link it up to affection, which is very relationship-dumb of me). So I have had these yoyo thingies where dammed if do and dammed if don’t and it is very subtle and all unspoken and sometimes it is in my head but what is in your head can be as much of a problem in a relationship.

So with your friend it could be some really weird subtle stuff that would have you scratching your head if she actually told you.

Perhaps.

What can you do? Well something very light. A light offering. Go skating together lol. Yeah that doesn’t sound like good advice. I have honestly no idea. Call her up?
Sometimes if infjs and infps don’t need each other that is when it is better. Once they need each other it can work or not work, depending. So maybe your relationship would still have a shot of transitioning into another state/level of need. Dunno. But sorry for you. Relationships hurt.


#6

Lunar, you gave a nice summary that sounds similar to what I said but softer and sweeter! :smiley: A nostalgic sadness to it. lol


#7

Yeah, I have actually never felt like I am a good friend. Interpersonal relations is not something I am good at. I picture this might vary a little from infp to infp. But no Fe, no T can mean rocky.


#8

Thanks for your point of view, I recognise the INTJ clarity, a good friend is INTJ. I think you said somewhere that your husband was INFP, so I guess you have a good idea how the Ni / Fi thing works in terms of ego orientation as well as the id function.

I have a feeling that it was something that I had repeatedly done that grew even bigger over time (which you appear to confirm), and with an apparent lack of ability to resolve it (that’s how, I assume, she felt). It makes me feel sad that I present such a hard exterior that she didn’t feel able to approach me about it. I guess what you are saying is that she may not have felt that the relationship was beneficial to her, or that it was heavily skewed towards me in terms of benefits. While it is unpleasant (and scary) to think that I may have had this effect on her and that what I was giving was not enough, I can accept it as an her valid reality and not feel resentful of her. I just feel bruised for me I guess (ego), that my contribution was not enough, that I was not good enough.

Yes, maybe she felt like she was an enabler, with me needing to talk too much about me when I was depressed, maybe that bored her? I would not have blamed her if it had. Fair enough. There definitely was a period when I relied on her, about two years ago, but I felt that that had improved significantly and I have been pretty consistently positive, active and upbeat. Maybe that was annoying? She appears to have stuck out the bad bits, and then it all came undone when I had been ok for a long time.

Interesting perspective re self-reinvention/ starting anew / blank slate, Prax. Maybe that is part of it too. Maybe she needed a fresh start, without any of the old baggage. Lack of energy / motivation to maintain the relationship and to reconnect sounds like a strong contributing factor.

I am not sure about physically appearing at her door – my intuition tells me that I should be very gentle, and that would be too much pressure. I feel that she needs kindness and gentleness and for this to be left up to her. So I feel more like I should write to her every now and then and let her get back to me, or alternatively bin the letter without reading. Give her options and not force things. But maybe that is because I would not like that done to me? I would like the person to initiate but leave me the choice, without putting me in a difficult position where I had to be hurtful to them on the spot (by refusal to reconnect for example). So, I may only be doing what I would like done to me. Maybe she needs a different approach. Who knows.

I also have this scary feeling, that despite the more fragile exterior, she is actually far tougher than I am, and far less forgiving, almost unmovable. It makes me feel really vulnerable, and I am petrified by my own venerability. She could never understand why I would give my ex so many chances. She has never, to my knowledge, been in a relationship where someone treated her badly. Seems like she has a natural filter and does not attract that sort of thing. Maybe that is due to weeding these influences out of her life. Useful skill.

At any rate, rightly or wrongly, I have this very pronounced feeling that I don’t need to meet to have a heavy, forced interaction. That if she does not want to reconnect, I want to let her go.
I guess the other side of the coin is that I am naturally not a fighter (or pushy) and wonder if I am giving up too easily?

I feel like my head is spinning as I am considering all those scenarios and not getting any closer to her subjective perspective (as obviously only she knows the answer), so am going to stop it now.


#9

I appreciate how thoughtful & gentle your response was.

Yes, I too am surprised that my friend did not write back. I think that it was quite a cruel thing to do, although I do not think that it was intended as such. I think it was maybe one of the “sins of omission” that INFPs may sometimes be prone to. Avoiding a difficult conversation, in essence. But, on reflection, I think the time and intensity of our connection warranted taking the more difficult path and writing a response, especially given that the tone of my messages and letter was so conciliatory and open. Writing this, I feel angry with her for the first time! Fi activating! (eek)

We last spent time together in September and were in contact briefly for a few days after, and then no more. I have since tried to reconnect, but very very gently. At the start, just asking her how she was getting on in her new job and with dating, and then probably about November I said I was concerned if she was ok. In my letter I was very careful not to be forceful or to even suggest any fault on her part (which I do not consider there to have been at any rate).

I sent her a sweet card which said “I miss your face” on it and thought she might smile and feel good to have got it. In it, I again mainly asked about how she was getting on. Then I attached a little letter/ note to say that I understood that I had done something that she could not forgive, and that I was sorry and was ready to apologise if ever she wanted to tell me what it was. I also said that if she didn’t feel like she wanted to take it apart/ tell me her reasons, then that it was fine too, and we could still meet and reconnect. I suspected she would not like to have talked about it and there was a part of me scared of the conversation too.

I know that INFJs can be blunt and dropping truth bombs, but please believe me, I was treading carefully in my letter and did not suggest she was to blame. (And I know what you mean about INFJ “subtly implying” – I have been known to do this, and I am aware of it; but not this time).To be honest, it was not until just minutes ago that I felt a bit of anger / indignation that she couldn’t even respond in January, after so many months have passed. It feels discourteous and selfish to me. And I guess, that while I accept that I needed to hear the truth if I had been acting badly, I cannot accept that I deserved to be ignored. But for all I know, maybe even in my apology and attempts to reconnect I was activating something negative in her.

Maybe what you say about her inability to be herself around me is the key to this situation? I believe it might be at least a part of it. Maybe she didn’t think it was a good environment for her. Maybe more work than fun, as you have said. All are strong possibilities.

I appreciate your being open re the INFJ-induced stressors. I can well see how that might play out, and it does make me feel sad. I think we can be like that, we can be self-obsessed, and think our way is best. Like our decisiveness, our insights. And we forget that our decisiveness makes us make rash decisions when coupled with our tendency to tempt fate and that our insights will not work in the same way for a different temperament.

For the record, I always thought her insights into people were interesting. I often also found that while we were discussing a situation / problem (friends, family, work), she could be spot on about people’s motivations and I would only find out when the situation played out. So I always kept my ears open and specifically sought out her opinions. As for emoting, yes, I was naturally stronger at it than her and in social situations present as an extrovert, but only a few months ago she sent me an email saying thanks for something I had done and she said at the time that she knew she didn’t say it normally, but she really valued our friendship. I understood that about her and flexed around it though, I know her feeling run deeper and she might consider mine very surface. So I was not disappointed in her friendship ability, I accepted that she was much more introverted and needed time alone much more than I do.

Ah, re the advice and expecting compliance and treating INFPs as beneficiaries. I can see how human nature would enable that to happen. The INFJ would consider themselves more competent. Maybe I did? I will need to think about it, as it would be important not to do it in the future. TO give advice if asked, but let this remove the equality from the relationship. Subtle and unspoken, sounds like INFJ. We are good at disguising negative comments into something that appears innocent. If you are at the receiving end of that, it must wear you down.

I am thinking, currently, that I will just go with the flow for a bit. I do not have it in me to go out there and demand that she reconnects with me, nor do I want to put her and me in an uncomfortable situation by barraging her with letters or messages. I may just send her a birthday card and maybe not even mention it, just send her a sign that I am thinking about her and miss her. Maybe send her a holiday postcard. But I don’t think I will bring this up again. She might never respond, and that will be her choice. I will just try to create the right conditions for her: warmth and acceptance of her decision. I will be understated.

At the end of the day, knowing the difference between her and me, I think that when I say you can come back and don’t have to explain, she doesn’t believe that it would work. I am more naïve/forgiving than her in this domain. I always felt that I was, and felt that she was so extremely cautious with people at work, and so often suspected bad intentions or motives, and it was startling to me to realise how hard it must be to live with that orientation. Though obviously that’s her self-protection and has served her well on many occasions. Often she was right, and it made me feel so naïve and silly sometimes, so inexperienced. I am by nature much more trusting, and reveal myself sooner, which I think is a childlike quality, and not very strategic, that’s for sure.

But I guess what I want to say is that (a) she does not believe that she can come back and not pay the price (our relationship has already been affected), so she won’t come back, as she (b) doesn’t want the complications and difficulties that, in her mind, she would encounter. I guess this is my take on the future of the situation, on reflection. She thinks it has gone too far now (we were v v close, despite always living far apart), the lack of contact. It is her estimation and she strongly believes she is right. She does not believe me that I could get over this, and in a sense thinks she knows better what is possible, what would happen, how the situation would play out. She thinks that the level of work this would now require would put her ego in a very vulnerable place, so she holds on to control and refuses to even get in touch to say anything, however brief, to put me out of my misery.

It does not seem to me to be the right choice in the grand scheme of things, the complete lack of response. It seems fairly selfish and almost disrespectful, and I think realising that she would act this way after so many years is a huge surprise. I don’t feel this was deserved. The only conditions under which I would consider this ok would be if my attempts to reconnect had been filled with sarcasm and showed no willingness to take responsibility and work things out.
But I will have to accept her decision, and I think writing this has actually helped greatly to sort through my thoughts and work out what my take on it is.

Thanks again Lunar.


#10

Yeah. It is very strange she did not respond. I had one friendship end suddenly one day and I ended up pressing for an answer and I got it. Didn’t like the answer but it was an answer. Something to get mad about, think about, reject accept. I can’t imagine what not getting an answer would feel like. :frowning:


#11

Brainstorming some more.
You are feeling fragile so it may not appeal. But perhaps invite her to an actual thing that has like a date and time?
This is in case she has entered a time warp which is like me trying to give the nicest name for shitty infp loss is of sense of urgency if that is what this is.
The only problem I can think with that is the risk to yourself if there is no reply to that either (which would be really really weird…anyone would be upset I think). That is like opening yourself up to more pain.
I cannot imagine myself not replying tbh. Especially in writing. That is already less confrontational than face to face.
Someone (Piggie I think) had said something like infps can have weird rhythms with Fe-dons, but perhaps it is just a larger pattern of leaving people in the dark. I have seen these complaints about infps of people having to do guess work around them.


#12

Yeah! My husband is probably INFP (I keep saying probably because he engages more in Ne than Fi–but maybe hat is just hard to detect from boys lol). I also have an internet friends who are INFP, and they display a lot of “interesting” detachment behaviours even when they have strong “friendship feelings” in their hearts.

I think in general, once INFP build a true grudge, they kind of have it forever. lol Hopefully this is not the case for you, but it’s possible she did get bored or drained by you and decided to stop responding out of convenience for herself and also because it grew too awkward to respond now. You may take it as rude and self-centered, but she probably sees it as a mercy on both of you, or at its most quizzically benign-yet-self-focused, something that doesn’t matter. … Unless you wrote in the letter “can you please respond to me so I know you got this? Thanks.”, it’s also possible she misinterpreted the latter as just your vague running thoughts and decided "how nice to have received a latter from katnip! time to put it away in a drawer forever. :slight_smile: "

Though I kind of have a feeling that you did do something that she got irked by a long time ago and if she told you the reason now she knows it will sound really dumb yet she would not be able to get over it (she already tried and doesn’t want to bring it up anymore either lol). And that also you will side-eye her a lot if you found out the truth… haha. And perhaps you are open to forgiving her because INFJ are pretty open to giving forgiveness if some attempt is made, but there’s a small rebellious nature in INFP where they dig their heels in and would never try to make an apology for their feelings (or if they do, it’s fake? they hold a grudge of some sort if they are forced to be fake too) and either way she may distance even further from you because of it. I think for better or worse, this is how a lot of INFJ-INFP friendships play out.

INFP also hate getting advice, so there’s that. INFJ and INTJ tend to want to just give out answers to supposed “problems” they see, but some types hate this. Don’t coach/critique INFP unless they want specific answers/help. They otherwise want emotional support and to vent or explore, and I know it’s hard to hold back our tongues when that happens… haha. EVEN IF THEY NEED THE ADVICE. EVEN IF YOU ARE RIGHT AND WOULD HAVE SAVED THEM MUCH GRIEFS.


#13

Hi Katnip,

Man, the INFP/INFJ friendship I was in was hard :fearful:!

Looking back on it, I can see that one of the main problems was that my friend had assumed we were good friends. In my eyes, I have never been able to move her from being an acquaintance to a friend. I had wanted to in the beginning, but as I got to know her, I saw that we were not compatible as friends.

I feel like I have this kind of unwanted sensitivity to Fi id. Like I read and hear certain Fe statements with Fi underpinnings. It makes me uncomfortable, but a part of me is wondering if what I am picking up on is actually there, and then another part of me feels that I am picking up on something that I should not be seeing (Ni id activation I suppose). This made me feel kind of weirdly uncomfortable around her. She had heavy Fe aux use when I first met her, so she had the whole chameleon “we’re so alike” thing going on. But hey, I learned that wasn’t the case in a few days after knowing her.

In this relationship, the INFJ was very passive aggressive with me. She had this loathing yet admiration for me. I think she thought if she got close to me, it would be beneficial for her in some academic way, but I don’t think she sincerely wanted to be my friend. After screening her to see if we could be friends, it seemed like I could never manage to get close to her or to have her get close to me. There was this weird blindness we had to one another. Of course, when I was able to see I didn’t even want to be friends after I saw we had a heavily imbalanced friendship, I immediately try to put some distance between us (basically, cut her off as a friend). Unfortunately, we were in the same clubs, classes, and even had the same friends. As a result, I was stuck with her unless she or I gave up on one of the things we had. Eventually, I was able to put some distance between us, but those two years of pretty much inevitably being in each other’s day really sucked.

But back before I was resolute on us not being friends. I never tried to fix what could of been. As I got to know her, I felt like the thing I thought needed fixing was an inherent part of her. Every time I thought maybe I was wrong about her, I would eventually see her do something to once again confirm that I was right. At the time, I didn’t know about MBTI, but now I think it was me finding problems with her Fe aux and Fi id. I mean, these two functions are very central to an INFJ, so I could either get used to it or up and leave (or float away, as I would say).

On top of that, every time I tried to have a discussion with a friend about some problems I had with them, they were never really receptive to my efforts. They would just look at me like I am crazy. From those experiences, I have been able to pick up on that if I have a problem with someone that they will not be receptive on solving, I probably should just move on from the friendship all together.

As for your friend, I can’t really say why she is acting the way she is. If I were to ghost on a friend, I must really not like them or simply may think that the friendship is more hassle than it is worth for me and them. If I was resolute on my decision, I probably would ignore any mail or text from them. Now, if they were to speak to me in person, I would speak to them, but I would be very stiff, uncomfortable, and forcefully polite. You would probably see this in my body language and in me having a very stoic face with an occasional flicker of annoyance.

If it were me, and I took into consideration the incredibly better friendship you had with your INFP, I think I would want you to realize some of the times you hurt me. I would want you to apologize for some of the ways you hurt me that at the time you were more than unlikely aware of. I think this would show me that you have grown as a person and would show that you are aware of some of the things that hurt our friendship, which would think that the problems we had would not occur again or that you could maybe catch yourself while doing them.

Strangely, with this INFJ, I was resolute on not telling her what the problem was. I knew that if she wasn’t able to see the problems for herself, me telling her the problems would lose their significance. Like, I felt that she would have to discover them on her own in order for her to see them for herself and for me to seriously consider any apologies she would have for her actions. Wow, this sounds kind of Ni id like. Anyway, yeah, me bringing the problems to the forefront was not what I wanted. I wanted the INFJ to see the problem and to resolve them with me when she was ready (wow, I didn’t know I was actually this open to forgiving her till I typed this, whaa).

Yeah, the solution I gave you was also the solution I had wanted from my INFJ friend. She would say a lot of rude remarks to me without any semblance of regret or self-awareness. This made my view of her fall to the depths. She seemed to have a lot of personal problems, but it never seemed like she learned from them. It’s like she had this lack of self-awareness that manifested in her passive-aggressive behavior. There were many times in which I wanted to directly confront her about her abhorrent behavior towards me, but it never happened. Either she would suddenly disappear the day I was ready to confront her or my ENFP friend would talk me down from it. I don’t know, it probably wouldn’t of helped in the end because I noticed she liked to victimize herself a lot.

So yeah, apologizing for something you never knew was wrong seems impossible! Like @Prax said, directly confronting her in person is probably the best way to resolve the situation. During her time with you, she will probably try to do right by the friendship you shared while still wanting to stick to her guns. I would think if she had abruptly left the friendship, she desperately thought she needed space or maybe was trying to send you some hidden message in a way. Haha, okay, maybe not the latter on that. But yeah, with the needing space thing, she will probably try to avoid you until she is ready to come to you. She also probably just wants you to seriously reflect on the friendship and maybe some of the ways you unknowingly hurt her, which can also take time. Ugh, some very complicated stuff, sorry to say :frowning:.

Alrighty :slight_smile:. Well, I hope my experience and some of the advice I gave was helpful to you.


#14

“Academic” hmm I am actually try to learn to wear that more. When you are in a sauna, you see women just getting along. It is a we. Just person, warts and all. I think in the relationship I have with an infj I am working on going towards this more universally defined form of interaction. I think it may do the trick.

Hmm by academic do you mean useful as a learning project? So yeah maybe blended with the concept of we it would be like not needing each other in a deep way but enjoying chatting and learning from one another and being friendly in the usual accepted ways. Uh am getting lost.


#15

Yo Lunar,

Sorry I confused you. I wonder if the sentence with academic in it was even necessary? Ugh. So, the gist is that I did well in my classes in high school. She knew my class rank (she was one number under me). Then, after seeing that we never really talked about friend stuff (boys, other friends, girl ish in high school basically), but just about homework assignments and how I did them, I was able to see that she got interested in me because she knew who I was. I am also going off of the fact that she did the same thing to the valedictorian of the previous class. So yeah, I don’t hate her strategy, but I am no one’s pawn.


#16

I won’t pretend to add to the insight already offered, but for what it’s worth my experience is that for INFPs the basic problem with INFJs can boil down to something like “How could they do that?” or “How could they think I might do that?” And from the INFJ perspective (mine, at least) that is something stupid and arbitrary and marginal, hence “Why would you let that come between us?”

What’s her mom like? Has she got family drama going on lately?


#17

Thanks Lunar. I may have to sleep on all this insight.

At the moment I can’t imagine meeting up with her from cold, I’m too frightened of what might happen. I’ll have to think about it. Maybe I will offer a meeting in her birthday card?
At the moment I think I’m Fi-ing about it, and that’s never a good adviser.

I don’t think that it’s a time warp situation, as we have had a couple those before and i was fine with it, I did my thing and she contacted me a couple of weeks later. I kind of always associated those situations with something turbulent going on in her life and so tried to keep the door open but not appear to pry. She’s much more private than I am, just a different make up. I thought she needed more alone time - I need company pretty much around the clock - but maybe she was just fed up with me.

I think she is upset with Something I have done and I have been trying to think what it could possibly be for the last four months. I couldn’t think of anything. Other than the obvious differences grating on her, over time. Is my Fe too loud and annoying and shallow? Is my J too bossy and unnerving? I don’t think more time will bring more conclusions or insights. I am always analysing dynamics, and I have thought about ours over the 19 years of our friendship.

In the end, I need to be friends with people who want to be friends with me and who find value what I have to offer. If it’s useless to them, they won’t want to stick around. I understand that, it works the same way for me.
Also, I am not everyone’s cup of tea.

Yeah, I am feeling really bruised from all this, and I have been keeping it under wraps for the last four months and have not told anyone, so this Fe-ing on here has been helpful - I’ve finally verbalised my thoughts and this has helped me understand what I am feeling better. This is the first time I have felt anger or upset about this situation. Think I’ve been protecting myself from feeling all these negative feelings. But now they have arrived, I’ll feel them and see what happens.

So it’s been a step in the right direction. Thanks for being my guide.


#18

That is a long time to hold in. I am glad you Fe here if it helped.


#19

[quote=“Jumpman, post:13, topic:52, full:true”]
Hi Katnip,

Man, the INFP/INFJ friendship I was in was hard :fearful:!

Looking back on it, I can see that one of the main problems was that my friend had assumed we were good friends. In my eyes, I have never been able to move her from being an acquaintance to a friend. I had wanted to in the beginning, but as I got to know her, I saw that we were not compatible as friends. [/quote]

Hello Jumpman, thanks for your insight. All very interesting to read. My friend obviously didn’t think we were compatible either, and maybe it’s Fe and Fi.

I found this interesting:

Do other INFPs relate to this way of approaching conflict resolution?

I ask because at the moment I feel like I could Ni/ soul search from here to high heavens and still not find the reason. It seems futile and future-less. I know my limitations and I really can’t think of anything (though I’m sure there must be something).


#20

Hi Stuart,

Maybe it’s different sensibilities. Maybe it’s the Fi morals versus Ni amorality. I don’t think I’ve done anything deplorable though, in terms of morality.

Re her family, her mum is ISFJ, dad is ISTJ and brother is ISTP. Just like me, she is an N brought up in an S family. She rolls her eyes when she talks about her mum, but she makes sure they have a continuous connection, they Skype each weekend. She’s used mbti a lot to suss out her mum and to work around her.

No family drama as of Sept last year. We did talk about each other’s families, joked about them and helped each other out in understanding our families.

Hmmm.