I’ll get straight to the point followed by a roundabout ramble:
How can I improve understanding and communication between me and an ISFJ* family member?
Love and patience only takes me so far. I needs more hardcore tools!
It can be challenging to be around this ISFJ if I’m not geared up for it. And I’m sure she would say the same about me, the INFP ** in her life.
I get quickly irritated, impatience, & exasperated and drained. I (we) often turn to our mutual friend alcohol to take the edge off - we get on better when we’re both a bit drunk.
But that’s not ideal obvs.
I see others get annoyed or angry with her and this upsets me more as I hate to see anyone ostracised or misunderstood. But then I think surely this person is a big girl why do I feel the need to step in and defend her?
Coming from INFP preferences point of view, the possible Si dom makes sense, I can see the influence. And explains a lot of our similarities & differences.
But Fe element I find a bit puzzling.
She clearly enjoys having a wide circle of acquaintances, socialising, keeping in touch with friends, family etc; is sentimental & holds on with dear life to certain traditions.
She comes across as sweet and saintly and “abhors violence and seeks harmony” [urgh, did I just type that phrase? lol]
But oddly for someone who likes theoretically values peace and ease, her behaviours and attitudes can often be the cause of the discontentment around her which she seems oblivious to. Things like
- she will often be quite pushy to get you do something you clearly (and vehemently) don’t want to do, if it’s something she wants to do
- being helpful but selectively (in my view - but maybe we all are), rarely offers to carry a bag, make tea, do the dishes for loved ones but will make a point of scraping the plates and wiping down the table for servers in restaurants.
- ignorant(?) of social etiquette or tight with money eg. will never bring a token gift to hosts, or won’t spend money on taxis but expects people to give her a ride everywhere
- disregards &:or under-values others’ wishes/ feelings in preference to her own e.g. Upsetting someone by buying the same jacket as them (at discounted price) despite protestations from said other, because she liked it and didn’t think they were ‘serious’
- unaware of or indifferent to respecting others’ physical space - can be clingy, likes overly close physical contact and undivided attention…
…Is this the influence of Si/Ti rationale? -
‘Well, I thought about putting the dishes away for you but I don’t know your set up (system) so it would be a waste of time for me to do it only to then cause you more work rearranging them. So I didn’t.’
Is it their fear of maybe getting something ‘wrong’ that outweighs the value of going ahead with a kind and thoughtful act even if not perfectly executed?
- Does this sound like ISFJ behaviour?
(I had considered infp at one point but Si seems so strong and N too weak to a top function)
- How much is it to do with type vs just being a dick?
- Is it just me?
- what are some ways to communicate without words being ignored/not taken seriously/ unnecessarily hurtful & upsetting?
Hope this isn’t too self indulgent a post to post - I’ve been debating whether to post or not - and also how many times I can use the word post in a sentence - but I’m obsessing over this and need some new objective input from a clever community such as yourselves!
Any thought and insights really appreciated!!
- has previously tested as ENFJ in as she would put it ‘one of her better moods’
** I’m pretty sure this is my best fit