My kiddo just punched me in the eye which hurt and annoyed me. He’s been oscillating today between being really sweet and focused on his legos and then being fully committed to fighting for control of the household. Like, his twin sister wants to watch Moana, and he screamed and fought for thirty minutes about it, until finally I heard him scream “I wanna watch Moana!” His aggression and volume are so intense that that is what a bad transition looks like for him. From violently freaking out in opposition to freaking out in favor. And so I switch from humming on his skull or something to “as soon as your body is calm and your voice is kind you can go right out and watch Moana.”
He’s only not at school today because he seemed sick yesterday when I picked him up and had an obvious fever this morning.
Last Friday I got myself into a campus to do some UX testing of a product I’ve been building for faculty, a campus visit I have been reticent to make and one I’ve known I’m procrastinating. I drove the 50 minutes to his school and dropped him off, the thirty minutes back, spent time on some other shit before realizing it was the day I needed to get to it and get some feedback from strangers, headed over to the closest university, and parked my van, when my phone rang. It was his school and they said he seemed sick and we should come get him. I almost couldn’t believe it. It’s a been a year that I’ve been pussy footing around raising money and starting a company, and the reason is my feeling of total lack of preparedness to manage the personal and family intrusions into my professional efforts, though I attempt to think it’s other things like not being ready with the software or whatever. Really it’s just that my wife can’t handle him and his twin sister isn’t much easier, and when everything doesn’t go perfect with their school schedule or whatever, uhhghg. I’m just fucked.
He’s screaming at me from his bedroom where I’ve locked him so he won’t attack anyone out here. Uggh. --Every person who tries to help us basically suggests that’s not okay anymore, you can’t lock your five year old in his bedroom. It’s like against the law. But not really. It’s like bad parenting. But having $-350 in my bank account is also bad parenting isn’t it? Letting his twin sister get attacked is bad parenting, isn’t it? Letting his 33 weeks along pregnant mom get attacked is bad family policy, no?
What in the actual fuck. It’s not that I think they’re should be a solution. It’s that I get annoyed when people act like there is. But I’m also way annoyed that we moved to the northwest where we don’t have my parents to help us. My mom knew it was a risky move to move up here. She felt my wife wouldn’t ever be able to handle the twins. Sounds mean but my mom is just an NT, speak some unvarnished analysis based on the patterns.
I am rather unfamiliar with panic as a physical or emotional state. This might be associated with my cognitive stack, and perhaps panic is something that stems from one of the functions I’m least consciously familiar with, which as entp would be
Or panic is curtailed by the functions I am deeply or unconsciously familiar with:
I often feel like expressing my frustration on this board with this kind of a post and I often am dishonest in this kind of a post. I say what makes sense or what I think I should say, like presenting this situation as frustrating and holding me back. My self pity is pretty low to be honest; I over represent it in such posts. In fact I think I have such a solidly internal locus for control and for change that I don’t truly have any self pity at root. I’m just annoyed and disappointed. I’m annoyed that it’s not easier to be free, or more meaningful to be not free. I’m annoyed that I’m capable of living so meaningless a life for so long, going on 18 months now since I got back from a separation with my family that enabled the most productive and exhilarating 7 months of my life. I’m annoyed that it doesn’t matter, that nothing in the universe really needs me to do anything different from what I’m doing. I’m annoyed that I can’t manipulate my wife into letting me fix our problems by any of the few surefire strategies I do in fact know would work, because she genuinely seems to believe that because it should be true that we can make it work here in the northwest, it is true.
But I guess I should be asking myself the "and then what"questions . Like
I’m not wanting to tell my wife I need her to give me $1000 dollars because I just don’t want the nuts loud response and violence today.
Why not? “Because there is a good chance I’ll come back at her like last week and accidently say all the true and brutal things again.”
And then what?
“And then she’ll tell me to leave and stuff and will get on her moralistic high horse about how I’m being abusive.”
And then what?
“And then I’ll probably come back at her and call her out on the abusive shit she does which will cause her Fi-Ni loop to take off worrying I’m logging all this shit in an effort to divorce her and take the kids. Which will really piss me off because how in the fucking hell could anyone who knows me even the tiniest bit imagine I would want to take custody of these children unless it was a necessity to keep them out of a foster home? How could she be so seriously blind to every single pattern and deaf to every single word? And then I’ll launch into one of my Uber-intense takedowns which will cause her to have it reaffirmed that I’m withholding my thoughts and views and ideas from her on a daily basis, or that, in her parlance, I am playing some long game in order to take her stuff and avoid child support. Which will piss me off further because who the fuck cares so much about their fucking stuff. God in heaven. So in short I will get pulled in to the dance we do when I forget to not get pulled in and we will both remember that we are completely incompatible and pretty much neither of us seriously knew that people like the other person existed until we have really gotten to know each other and, crucially, we will both forget, or I should say I’ll forget, that our marriage isn’t based on having anything in common or wanting any of the same things or enjoying each other’s presence, it’s based on some other thing that slips my mind easily and is easily buried beneath any of this stuff.”
And then what?
Then she will actively make my life harder until I apologize for saying “bitch” or whatever, while she will never apologize for freaking the fuck out and telling me how big of a loser I am and how hard a time she’s having coming to grips with it
And then what
Then I need to decide to play the part if I don’t want to deal with this kind of epic bitch fest on a legal level the way it happened when we separated for four weeks, though she had suggested six months, then she put a restraining order on me the day before I was coming back, shared a bunch of my writing with a therapist who had been encouraging her to snoop through my stuff, since my wife is kind of anti snoop by default, which the therapist decided made me dangerous and therefore called cps and lodged a record of me being dangerous, which then turned into my wife getting pressure from cps to file a restraining order or risk losing the kids. And when she turned in the first document the court admins said it didn’t make sense, wouldn’t garner a restraining order, and if she was trying to comply with cps she had better bulk up her story a bit, so she said I had “fled the state,” and other such nonsense. It’s hard to rewrite this stuff without being angry but I have seen my wife genuinely remorseful and recognizing how she naively moved into this hostile state of relationship not knowing it would get totally out of her hands. But I hate stupid people more than almost anything.
So I will play the part or become the opposition to a woman who I’ve since recognized does not have a win-win bone in her body. A scorched earther with every person she negotiates with. Best case scenario is I end up with what? Custody? No custody? Shared custody? Each of those strikes me as negative. I just want her to be a reasonable person. Fucking ISFPs.
And so then what
So then I play the part of apologetic husband and sort of forget to think about how bad she’s going to freak out if the car gets repossessed which I still have 28 days to sort out, or how she will be angry for 14 years if I get another ding on my credit, which happens in a couple days, or how I’m going to have to ask for her credit card for gas in my car this weekend since my account will probably have -450 by then…
I feel like an ESTP would just be like “later im going to go get $100k from that investor.” I have an appointment with that investor but like every fucking day it’s something with my family that chips away at my view that it’s sane for anyone to invest in a thing I’m doing when I know at core my family can’t deal with itself without me being on call. Jesus fuck, how many millions of times have I rehashed that thought: what does she think the world is going to do for her? How many times have I realized: “oh, her father wasn’t actually absent. He had a full time job.” How many of the ex boyfriends I’ve heard about who were always on call for their jobs and how much she hated that, me thinking she meant they were on vacation or at least Sunday afternoon, now realizing, remembering again and again, no, it was probably a Wednesday.
Anyway, I wish I knew how to panic and just deal with shit but it’s too easy to not worry about it and just read something interesting, since I don’t actually care if we were homeless or whatever. I need that leverage to get her to stop being delusional about what the world really is.
Meanwhile she has like $4k in a bank account from a tax return that she wants to “save” for the house she is convinced we can get by saving. Lol. Half the days of my life im going to be worth less than 0 dollars and on 10% of them im going to be worth millions and if she had any capacity to recognize that pattern shed know not to save money for a house. Just ask me to buy it in cash on one of the 10% days. Sure. Just don’t make me stay there for 10 years or whatever the amount of time is that you would need to stay anywhere to truly make owning a better financial option than renting.
Stupid dumb post.