Question about INFP (Not a Nice One)


#1

This is so hard for me to fathom. I can’t even fully explain the situation without my id exploding in anger all over itself, but here goes. So…this INFP is in a relationship, and if social media is any indication, is seemingly fully present to their SO. Yet they are at the same time actively pursing me?? Someone who’s rejected them repeatedly and has only ever extended platonic greetings.

And yet this INFP persists and even appears to gradually arrange their entire life around getting close to me. What is behind this type of behavior and thinking? Also I feel bad for the GF!! How can someone be so deceptive? Almost as a perpetual state? Basically, what I’m asking is who and what is INFP in obsession mode and do I have anything to fear? Or is this just my Fe talking (I’m INFJ) and being unable to turn off emotional absorption? Fi is some powerful, fascinating shit and I wonder if something specific is being expressed for its own sake because that’s what Fi does, or if this person actually wants something from me and I need to take drastic action that ignoring them hasn’t accomplished.

What is going on?? Please help.


#2

@lunar I’m looking at you :eyes: hahaha

maybe you can unblock yourself this one time and answer this question for her :smirk:


#3

Why dont you just ask the guy what the hell they want?


#4

I’m in agreeance with @fallot.

Also, are you saying you know for sure he’s in a relationship? Or his Facebook status says this? And what does “actively pursuing” mean? And what do you mean by “gradually arrange their life around getting close to me”?

Basically, what has happened? Also, you obviously care about this person. Because if you didn’t, you wouldn’t care that he’s in a relationship.


#5

oooooh good questions from Erika, I hope you answer them!

let me guess, just for fun.

this infp guy is so comfortable opening up to you more than his gf, so he is unknowingly relying on you.
because it seems to him that you understand him better than his gf?

if you don’t love this guy, and you’re not willing to take him into your life wholeheartedly, I think it’s rather wise to let him deal with it on his own.

I’ll give one real example, not saying this is you, but here goes.

there’s one infj guy I know, and he’s like the “gay best friend” to a lot of girls who have relationship problems.
but certain girl might not find him romantically interesting, but this one girl who was married relied on this infj guy so much, that she kept comparing this guy to her own husband.

and this infj guy continued to take on her burden and her problems as if it were his. I told him “mind your own fucking business and cut her off”

the result? he kept listening to her and giving her this emotional comfort or whatever she needed, the woman eventually divorced her husband.

and guess what, that husband is a friend with this infj guy. but that man had no clue that they (his wife and infj) were talking to each other.

i feel like infj had a good intention of helping this woman out, but at the end of the day it did more harm to their relationship than good.

and one thing that gets on my nerves about this one particular infj, is that he always tell these women “you’re too good for him. He doesn’t deserve you”

who the fuck is he to say that? plus he only hears her side of the story so it can be absurdly skewed.

and what drives me even more crazy is that this infj thinks he’s a better fit for some of these woman than the other guy.

how do I know? because he tells me.

I always try to tell him “I like that you’re caring, but for fuck sake help them from distance!”

I’m not saying this is you. because I don’t know your story.
and I’m not saying all INFJs do this either.

but it’s something I observed and it’s fucking nuts.

and what’s so ridiculous about this one particular guy, is that he knows all the right thing to say when it comes to other people’s relationship, but he can’t even keep his own.

what an irony.


#6

I don’t believe your attribution of good intentions to that INFJ. He wanted to bang that woman whether he realized it for himself or not. That is why he didn’t listen to your sage advice.


#7

gahhhhh don’t reveal his secret! hahahaha

no but I don’t think he wanted to get inside every one of those girl’s pants.

but like maybe majority. yes.
you’re right.


#8

Yeah that guy sounds young. And manipulating…
In general, I think that is an INFJ problem though. Wanting to help, getting emotionally attached to other people’s problems.

We just need to know more about @Pixi’s situation. Dangling a carrot.

I’m really curious. I also think Pixi is considering the option of “hanging out” with this guy. Maybe she thinks there is more to his story, so she wants to listen. And at the same time, doesn’t want to be a bad person.


#9

The INFJ got off on being the “sage” that women looked to for advice probably!
I don’t think he necessarily wanted to be involved with all the girls, but he probably liked thinking that he could have any one of them if he wanted, and thus kept them all around. Pretty much just ego massage for him.

How can you tell he is actively pursuing you?
Sometimes INFP emotional boundaries are very blurry, and what may seem inappropriate to most people, will seem perfectly fine to them. lol
I think because of Fi-dom and Ni-id, if they found a something “sparkling” in a person, they just kind of hover and float around admiring and poking at their person in semi-voyeurism. It’s just endless fascination for them, like a moth to a flame. And it may not necessarily be because you’re INFJ. I feel like this could happen with anyone for them, but you happened to be the lucky person that caught their eye this time.

And it is probably because you rejected them, they they found you “safe” to keep pursuing. They are probably just living out an escapist fantasy with you, now that I think about it. If you don’t mind them buzzing around, it’s probably harmless or their own problem to resolve. They might not be satisfied with their relationship, or they might just also be interested in you as a person and could be talking up a storm to their SO all about you!! lol


#10

While you’re probably right that an INFP could fall for anyone given the right timing, I think it also has something to do with it being Quasi-identity here

There’s a certain fascination for your Quasi I find, because they’re seemingly just like you but actually totally opposite in an enigmatic way. All of the functions you use consciously, they use unconsciously, and vice versa, so they appear talented in ways that seem unachieveable to you. And so there’s this need to “figure them out,” or find out what makes them tick. It’s actually pretty frustrating.

@Pixi Perhaps this is what drove your INFP into obsession mode? Is this thirst for knowledge purely an INFP thing? or is this fascination mutual to some degree (you mentioned Fi being fascinating shit)


#11

Actively pursuing as in moving to my state, insinuating himself amongst my group of friends, liking all my posts on social media and then making nearly identical ones on his own page, texting me occasionally and when I don’t respond, posting screenshots of poetry describing his pathetic emotional state. I’m fascinated bc I’ve never encountered the likes of this person before and just want it all to stop… He is sort of an important figure in my field, which is why I agreed to have drinks with him once. I’m regretting having done that now.


#12

When did he move - How long after you two met? How did you two meet? I’m assuming business?

The friends thing… meh. What if he likes your friends as his own friends. So that, I’m gonna ignore.

Did he just randomly text you emotional things, and continue? Or did you respond in a receptive way the first time he sent you something?

Yep. You messed up. Business is not discussed over drinks unless this is Mad Men the show - set in the 60s.

What I’m gathering is you’re giving him mixed signals. Do you agree? Answer questions and further advice will be given. Ha. :grinning:


#13

@Pixi He’s imitating you because he admires you. You’re right that it’s an Fi-dom thing; he’s letting that feeling permeate all aspects of his life, that’s why it seems like he’s “actively pursuing” you. There isn’t really a specific goal in mind, other than to learn more about the subject of his admiration (you). I know that sounds selfish and weird, but that’s just how INFPs operate. So no, there isn’t anything to be afraid of. However…

How clear have you made it to him that you don’t want anything past friendship? You have to be straight with him, don’t try to sugar coat it because that will just confuse him more. Make the boundary clear. Be like, “I don’t like it when you do xyz and here’s why.” I know that sounds harsh, but if he’s really an INFP, he’ll appreciate the honesty. After that he might still hover around you, but he wont advance on you. There’s a difference.


#14

Thanks guys. I’ve known him about a year and he moved a couple of months ago… I really think it’s my social media presence he’s “in love” with bc dude doesn’t know me at all. We don’t interact like that!! And I realize he isn’t ACTIVELY pursuing me but for an INFP he probably is. More like actively passively I guess, sending signals I can’t help but pick up on and be concerned about… Anyways, I think I’m just going to let whatever emotional fallout that’s happening play itself out, and not worry about his gf who mind you has visited him from across the country (his former city) a few times now. I’m just sick of feeling bad about the whole thing. Clearly, he doesn’t mind being in this weird limbo. My ENTP ex was quite similar. It was like he enjoyed being torn between two people or something…Ech

@Ankh Nope, doesn’t text me emotional things. Just invites me to stuff and when I’m unreceptive reacts emotionally on Instagram. Whatever, maybe that’s in his right. But then I am free to disregard, I’ve decided. I’m deciding it now. You’re right, we should’ve never had drinks. Sadly, I happen to have no guy friends and thought I might make one a year ago… Paying for it now.


#15

Ah yes, there it is.

Don’t worry about his mistakes. They’re his. Not yours. If you want to be friends with him, be friends. Unless you don’t trust yourself? Being friends with a dude is very possible. You both just need to be very honest and transparent. And don’t be afraid to ask direct questions.

Like: Are you hitting on me? Aren’t you in a relationship? How is that going?

Things like these. You can’t blame him for not knowing what’s going on when he really doesn’t now. :wink:


#16

So sounds like he just really likes you and wants to be friends (and dreamy INFP "possibly more? hmmmm :)c ").

I wanna laugh because this sounds like a character I made and I was going through this exact kind of role-play scenario where he’s this weird stalkery type who has no sense of boundary hahah.

I think if you do set up a hard boundary, like to not text you because it’s makes you feel weird, he’ll withdraw and just continue fantasizing by himself. You don’t have to feel guilty even though it’s very easy to feel bad for INFP dilemmas.