I wrote another email today, this one to this company in Germany that makes this app I like for which I utilized a free trial with intent to cancel in advance of the day (day 8) on which my iTunes Card-on-file would be charged the yearly fee of like, some super reasonable amount – under $50. The app, blinkist, does a good job summarizing nonfiction books.
It occurs to me that I have a hard time asking for stuff without logical cause. But it’s more like tertiary fe and inferior Si that say “these are the rules and these are the consequences.” Been fascinated lately at how the tertiary works and I think that the length of my protest emails has to do with the anxiety and obsession of the tertiary. Like, even if I get rejected, I sure hope the strangers in Germany like me.
Hey all you reasonable people with a reasonable and intelligent national leader,
I’ve recklessly (on account of, I’ll submit, reckless national leadership from which I’m helpless to avert my feckless gaze) allowed my attempt at a free trial of your excellent Blinkist application, ending July 27, spill over into the year long membership begun today, July 28, that I do wish for but cannot afford. The level of not-being-able-to-afford I’m talking about is a very high level, a very, very serious and incredibly real, not-fake-news -type level, perhaps best illustrated with a screenshot of an email sent from the entity overseeing my checking account today:
Pay no attention to that little blue elongated oval in the top left of the image. It’s part of a workflow strategy I use called “Inbox 18,432” and is in no way related (as far as I can tell) to doing shit like signing up for a free trial with intent to cancel JUST IN TIME and then failing to do so.
The principal reason for my reaching out today is to request if at all possible that perhaps you could forgive my mistake and cancel my yearlong subscription and refund the (let’s call it Very Reasonable) yearly price that has been, eek, submitted to the card associated with my family apple App Store account which happens to be, phew, not my already overdrawn debit card, but instead, eek, my wife’s credit card, on which you might fairly say I’m also carrying a bit of a deficit balance as it were, though not monetarily. This wife, owner of said credit card, happens to be that same wife who noted to me about 8 days ago that she’d gotten notice of the blinkist charge pending, sans the carefully planned Very Timely Cancellation I informed her of at that point, and who, in spite of my assurance otherwise, stated that “yeah you’ll forget to cancel.” Can you believe that?
Now, I’m a big fan of the Blinkest product–so much so that I investigated your hiring page as of late and dreamed of getting a job with you; but, seeing little by way of invitation to work remotely from these Great Again United States, I withheld application–so I frankly absolutely intend to use like four additional of my email accounts and proceed in trialing you for 7 days a pop, behavior which I feel the American Zeitgeist would totally support, specifically on an ethical basis, although perhaps not with great conviction if the end goal was reading books, I guess, but presumably any Great American can at least appreciate seeing one of their own, by which I mean a white guy, “sticking it to the EU” and basically negotiating what I might call a “fantastic trade deal” for me.
But, being a fan of the product, I’m left with this other nagging feeling that doing that is, or would be in another world, like the one that existed in 2015 or before, a shitty stupid move for which a very natural consequence should be getting tagged with that Very Reasonable yearly fee which itself is the impetus for this email.
Which doesn’t beg the question, but rather causes one to wonder: on what grounds do I submit this initial request for mercy? If it’s obvious that the consequence fits the behavior when I imagine it occurring in the future, how could a first offense be justifiably forgiven, assuming for a moment it’s even technically feasible? Where does the capitalist find the argument? Where does the rationalist? Where does even a Record Breakingly Great American?
These are the sorts of issues I grappled with for about fifteen seconds this morning after canceling the subscription for now (currently slated to cancel in twelve months, on July 28, 0002 anno Trumpini). But after a brief conversation with my wife I was torn from my philosophizing and reminded of that law that trumps all laws, which is I am sure in the Bible somewhere, which is one of the laws of marriage, which goes (approximately): “Don’t tell your wife you have an ethical issue with requesting a refund for a thing you used her fucking credit card for and subsequently confidently proclaimed you’d not forget to cancel before the trial ended.”
And so in accordance with that greatest of philosophies I am requesting said refund and submit the following single point for your consideration when considering whether or not to grant it:
- Pretty please?
Stupid, and Married