If you think it, can it truly be achieved?
That’s how I feel about relationships.
There is all the light and airy shit about it in my head, and then there is the unforgiving execution of it in the real world. I zoom in on it. I zoom out. I play with it. If I can’t solve it, it’s out.
I have never really wanted to pursue a relationship.
I much rather be pursued.
I’m just really passive about entering into a relationship. Nothing moves me to the formation of one. I never get a “sign” or whatever the fuck one needs to feel like “I wanna be together”. I guess my “I wanna be together” is more reality oriented. Like living together, having similar religious beliefs, all those little and big things that can add up over time to the point that it may end a relationship.
Now lust? I’m right here with you. But love at first sight? I won’t call it bullshit, but I haven’t had it happen to me, so you won’t see me preach about it.
I would probably be angry about this if I was constantly finding guys that invigorated me to want to handle all the practical aspects of a relationship together with them. But I don’t. I can find a lot that are pretty to look at. But they couldn’t give me enough money to actually be with them. If we don’t click, we don’t click. It’s as simple as that to me.
Also, I just feel like I reserve a certain right to enter into a relationship that is actually desirable to me it all respects. I don’t know what everyone else is looking for, but if I am not feeling you physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally, I don’t really see a point in being with you. Now, my hormones might convince me to stick around, but even that will fade. Plus, I would never truly just act on my hormones. It would feel so selfish, knowing I don’t want to be with someone, but still being with them just to satisfy an urge that occurs for every well formed physique I see. How meaningless. I want more.
But can’t relationships just be so trivial? They can be intense, short-lived, and drama filled. I guess this is just up some people’s alley, but this sounds like more of a horror fest on Halloween to me. I feel like two things are forming my mindset.
The first thing is that whenever I think of a relationship I could currently indulge in (short and sweet, long and stormy, whatever seems attractive at the moment), I also have a feeling of wanting more. Ah, why have a short love affair when it can be a long love affair? Why be with someone who looks good when you can be with someone who looks good and has substance? It’s like there’s always something or someone better waiting around the corner. When you consider my lack of impetus to form a relationship in the first place, waiting around for another option (a BETTER option) to come around seems like the most logical step to make.
The second thing is that I am interested in cultivating a long term relationship. With that said, I can admit that most of the people who catch my attention are more along the lines of invoking “opposites attract”. They are so different and foreign to me, they stick out like sore thumbs to me (pretty much ESFPs, ISFPs, ENFJs, surprisingly, not really NT types). Those bright and talkative folk. I am like a moth to a flame. Except not really, cause even though I can see them, they don’t see me. As for ISFPs, they make me feel oddly settled in myself. Can’t really say what draws me in about them, it’s an attraction that has only started recently.
But I understand slow and steady. Long work. Consistent effort. When I seriously think of entering a relationship, my mind instantly goes to the long term and the practicality of the whole affair. Are we compatible? What evidence do I have to support this? Imagine a couple scenarios, do you like how they act in them? Do you like how you act in them? I pretty much toy with a relationship and its potentials until it seems plausible beyond a responsible doubt that we will be fruitful and happy. This is why I would ideally prefer to be friends with someone and for romantic feelings to bloom after that. That way, we could get to know each other without having the heavy expectations of entering into a relationship. I also feel like I know them better that way because they are being more unfiltered. I would find this information way more valuable than the one that would come from dates.
I guess that is really all I have to offer on relationships thus far. I look forward to entering one, but I won’t if it doesn’t seem right. Can you blame me? I am under the notion that if I can choose something, I mind as well try to choose wisely. I also feel like I have no choice in the matter. I know that if I enter into a relationship and we quarrel, it would effect every other part of my life. I would love the highs, but hate the lows. I also would feel very exposed in a relationship. For someone like me, who generally presents a heavily reserved and polite demeanor, it’s scary to know that in a relationship, I would have to let this mask go. Instead, all the emotions and insecurities would be put on display. Not only that, but I would have to allow them the same respect.
Do you know how scary and hard that will be for me? I actually am gonna put myself out there. I’m not gonna half ass it, but I am actually going to let them see me, flaws and all. And I’m just like, how could I? Like wait, do you not see all this messed up stuff about yourself? You obviously need to hide that, no one wants to see that crap! But I don’t think I could truly feel loved if I am trying to hide every bad or flawed aspect about myself. I, too, wouldn’t feel like I am really loving someone unless I have seen their good, bad, and ugly as well. It’s gonna be a lot for the both of us to deal with, but it is something I aspire to do, and really, have to do if I intend on having a meaningful and long lasting relationship.
But all of this stuff is just the beginning. Aha, I guess I can’t really complain about being single. I want a lot, but I also have a lot to give. Relationships can be a lot of things, but they sure are easier to deal with when you know what you are in for and what you want. If you have those two things worked out, I can’t see how the relationship will not work out. And be stubborn about it! If you know what you want and need, go for it. I’ve seen a lot of my friends enter into relationships that, I hate to say, were clearly not gonna work out. Then they are heart broken, and I will of course play the comforting friend, but on the inside, I am wondering why they did it. They KNEW they weren’t compatible, but they still went for it. It’s crazy, but there is no guarantee to how to pursue the perfect relationship.
Relationships. Hm, maybe a “don’t hate the player, hate the game” mentality is the best point of view to take for a relationship. When you pursue a relationship, just realize that you are potentially opening yourself up to something that you may not of predicted. There is no certain guarantee that you will have A or B result from the relationship. Even with all the stuff I said before, there is no guarantee that the methods that I am using or want to use will work out. I can be a guy’s friend for a decade, date him, and we might break up a week later. All the observation and time that I used could not predict that we would break up. Or at least I think it didn’t, unless I was cruising for a bruising.
Haha, yes. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.