Relationships - Love - Sex


#479

The only thing I can offer is: do what makes you happy. Find who makes you happy. Life is too short to be anything but. Don’t settle for one thing when you want two things. Two pieces of advice I’ve received from a couple of older ladies:

-If you have to convince yourself your happy, it’s not worth it.
-Life is too short not to fall madly in love.

There are no easy answers in life. And most times we humans like to learn the hard way. But the things in life that mean the most take time and hard work. They don’t come easy. But the things that don’t come easy, are the most rewarding.

Hopefullly that helps? :slight_smile:

I’m gonna address your sexual attraction/committed relationship thingy tomorrow when I’m not as sleepy.


#480

here comes ESTP practical advice. take it or not! up to you :smiley:

i am very half & half about this.

i don’t disagree nor agree.

the reality is, that it WAS good. but it ENDED bad.

and instead of saying ‘BUT it was good’ or 'BUT it ended badly’
just accept both as it is.

i know it’s easier said that done. but if you have that attitude, it’s easier to accept the truth of the matter.

what relationships aren’t fun and exciting in the beginning?
i would say almost all relationships are great in the beginning.

and that doesn’t necessarily ‘define’ the relationship.

if that was the case, all my relationships were great!

but no, not true. because they either ended poorly, or things turned out sour and ended badly.

do i want them to remember the ‘good times’? heck yes.
but will some of them choose to remember how it ended? yes. and i can’t change it.

if you were my sibiling, i would say this.

“what you did was terrible. but. it happened. and you can think that it’s rather better it ended this way, or he would be dating a ‘possible’ unloyal girl until now. who’s to say it won’t happen later? you learned your lesson, even though it costed your relationship and hurting someone. still, very valuable lesson is learned. the guilt? it’s okay. you should feel bad. but don’t let that hinder you from starting a new relationship.”

i was literally not thinking about you when i typed that. but that’s something i would tell my relative.
so don’t take it personal! ;]

i’ll tell you from my experience.
it’s literally less than 1% that married or long-term couples have this intense passion and sexual attraction.

a man that wants intense passion and sexual attraction, usually are not looking for committed relationship.
commitment to a man, is scary. to a woman, it’s safety.

BUT. a man that can give you spiritual/emotional energy, they CAN give you great sex.

there’s a sex that creates oxytocin, and there’s sex that only involves in dopamine, which is just pure excitement.

and that pure excitement, it’s like a drug. infatuation. or sometimes come from guilty pleasure.

some couples fight to have make-up sex. because that feels good.

some men/women cheat because they want excitement.

so it’s not JUST INFP who goes through this dilemma.

i’m an ESTP, commitment was not something that i thought of naturally.

most of my relationships lasted from few weeks to a few months. and few months were too long for me.

was it fun? yes. exciting ? yes.
but to maintain that energy, i had to keep changing.

when a woman starts getting attached, they started to control me, and wanted commitment.

and being a typical ESTP at that time, i just left the relationship.

after doing so much of it, i found emptiness.

i craved spiritual/emotional connection so much.

and honestly, because i LIVED through the short-term fun/excitement, i don’t even crave it anymore.

because i know the consequences and the empty feeling is not good.

so, my advice that i usually give people, is to have fun dating many people until you’re tired of that excitement/fun.

i really thought i was never going to get tired of it.

i mean, i’m not tired of the fun/excitement part, hahaha don’t get me wrong. they are still fun and exciting!

but, it doesn’t have that fulfilling aspect of relationship.
there’s no real security. there’s no deep connection.

and take Erika’s advice. i agree with her 100% on this one

and i stuck to that and married the right one. (for me) hahah

because since i’m ESTP and freaking shallow, i care a lot about aesthetic.
but many pretty girls didn’t give me the deep connection i wanted.

and the girls who gave me the deep connection, didn’t really satisfy me with their looks.
and i tried to force myself to love the way they are.
but like Erika said, i didn’t want to settle for less.

seems and sounds very selfish, and i’ve been criticized because of this, but
it’s MY life, and MY happiness.

they’re not going to live for me. are they?

so i was patient and finally found someone with good looks and deep emotional/spiritual connection.

i’m not saying there weren’t women with good aesthetic and deep soul.

but it varies. you know what i mean?
i needed something that "I" wanted.

and another thing is,

you have to know what you want, but ALSO, you have to know what you DON’T want.

the latter is crucial. believe me.

because when you only look at what you WANT,
it’s easy to be infatuated and be blinded by their flaws, which can be something you really hate later.

so don’t settle for someone if you see something you DON’T WANT. trust me. you’ll thank me later for this advice.

and it’s actually not easy to know what you don’t want.

luckily for me, i’ve dealt with enough crazies to learn what i really don’t want.

so lml, while you are young, have much experience!
‘my’ much and ‘your’ much is different, so do it as much as YOU want!

oh, and [quote=“lml, post:477, topic:44”]
Not to mention, the best person I know.
[/quote]

don’t take this personally, but if i were speaking to my relative, i would say
"if he/she was the best person, you wouldn’t have done what you did. that’s like saying you own a Lamborghini, but you’re stealing someone’s used car. why would you want to go steal used car if you own a Lamborghini?"

heck, that person is probably a GREAT person.
but not the best.

and it’s better for you to think that way, or you’ll constantly regret your decision.

i know you fucked up, but i can’t help but to think that there was something lacking that the other person provided.

lml, you want to be with someone who satisfy all your needs.

okay. i think that’s enough.

i hope i didn’t sound harsh or too preachy to you.

i just want the best for you or for anyone.

if you don’t already know. it’s coming from a good place!


#481

YES!!! I sucked some guy’s dick for a couple of weeks, okay, months while I was engaged. Terrible. I’m not at all saying what I did was okay, but I understand why I did it. I was 20 and engaged, and scared. I remember having this feeling of “Is this it?” “Am I totally sure he’s the one?” “But I think I want to date around first/” What I should have done was told him my feelings. Instead, tall, dark, and handsome walked through the door one day and I decided I needed to suck his dick. I’ve been talking to my husband a lot lately. Opening up. And I brought this up. He said, “Why would you bring this up? It happened so long ago. I just see that as something you did because you were scared.” All this time, I’ve been harboring this guilt, meanwhile, my husband pretty much forgot about it. I totally got off track here. But sups is right. We blame ourselves for making mistakes, and yes, they’re shitty mistakes. But we need to look at why we made them. It’s not because you’re a bad person. It’s because you were looking for something. And I’m telling you right now, @lml, do not go back to the one you “cheated on”. One of two things will happen. You will either cheat again. Or you will be unhappy. I say this all the time in the context of my husband - he’s a good guy, he’s a good guy, great guy, terrific guy, the sex is fine, he loves me, worships me, would do anything for me, he’s nice, we laugh sometimes…the list goes on. But we don’t have that connection. That click. That mesh. That groove. Knowz what I mean? And it will never be there. No matter how well we live together. No matter how much we laugh at funny things, no matter how much we hold hands or fuck. I would say, most people don’t drop something like this to find a deeper connection with someone else. Life’s too short. Think about your death bed if that helps. What do you want to be thinking (if you don’t have serious dementia…lol)? When I think about my death bed, I’ve got three possibilities of thought" 1) Well, that was okay. I stayed married and it was okay. 2) Well, I left, but I didn’t find anyone. Was that worth it? Maybe. I had some great experiences. I definitely got more out of life than I would have. 3) WOW! This is what life is about. All of it. The journey, the hardship, the life lessons…I did it! So, just think about being a crusty old woman who needs to be turned every so often, so the hospital doesn’t get sued, I mean, so you don’t get bed sores. - And your answer should come to you a little easier. See, most of us know the answer. It’s just getting there. How to start. What to do. The aftermath. The loneliness.

I don’t know, man. What do you see as an erotic relationship? I want to divorce my husband because I don’t feel IT with him, but that doesn’t mean I’m not sexually attracted to him. We do some kinky shit sometimes. Sometimes we just wanna fuck. Maybe a week ago, I told him he was gonna fuck me. We were watching tv after dinner and I said, “I’m gonna take a shower, then I want you to fuck me, then I’m gonna go to bed.” He obeyed. And the windows were open. I wonder if people heard… There’s two kinds of sex. One where you just do it, just cuz. You’re not really present, your just fucking. Then there’s another sex where you are totally present with that other person. It’s intense. (Never had that, but I think I can picture it pretty well.) Like, you’re WITH that person. It doesn’t matter what you’re actively doing…doggie, cowgirl, oral, chocking, hair-pulling, slapping, slow, loving sex, morning sex, coffee sex (? is that a thing?), quickies…so anyways, this sex, it doesn’t matter what you’re doing, but you’re present. You are totally on the level with this other person. Why can’t you have both? Freaky, “erotic” sex with the person you totally feel in-tune with. Don’t get confused @lml. Just because society says your relationship should work one way, doesn’t mean that way works for you. When you find your buddy and sexual love freak, find what works best for you guys.

That was a lot of words, and I’m still a little sleepy. All of that probably doesn’t make clear sense. And I could have looked over it and cut some things out, but there ya go! Order up! I have to pee.


#482

@Ankh @supernokturnal thank you both for taking the time to share advice with me. It will take me some time to really process things, continue to move forward, and as part of that, figure out how to really apply the wisdom you’ve shared. Having these discussions help.


#483

This is really out of the blue lool but I love infps…I just realized that all my closest confidants are infps :grinning: They tickle my Ne-id and I am my best wacky clown with them. So @lunar and @Jumpman (and all other infps I haven’t really talked to so I don’t remember your usernames)…you guys are the best!!


#484

Awww, you’re cool too :kissing_smiling_eyes:!


#485

Oh wow…thanks.


#486

You are very welcome, @lml. No one person has the answer. But whatever your answer, it’s worth searching for. :cupid:


#487

I was on lunch break and decided to visit the art museum on campus…found the first person in real life who I could identify as infj immediately…he was a tour guide and PhD student…he showed me some drawings he spontaneously drew and they were all distorted sex scenes and bodily mutilation…it was attractive but I also felt like I was a family member encouraging him to open himself up haaahhhah :stuck_out_tongue:


#488

Wow!!! Did you give him my number?!? This guy sounds so dreamy…sigh

Edit: …or did you give him yours?..


#489

I don’t have your digits yet!! :smirk:

Ahahaaa no but he told me to come back when he’s off so he could show me more of his work…I think he’s lonely…


#490

Tehehehehehehe!! This is fab! Guy in an art museum shows you his disturbed (beautiful) art and he wants you to come back…Please don’t get murdered okay? I know like the idea is poetic, but yeah.

And dish the dirt when you get it!!!


#491

Hahahhhh…well I’m always prickly and on guard when people take an instant likening to me so I’ll probably kick his butt instead of let myself get murdered :smile:


#492

Phew


#493

Then there is the French. Or was it British doing french I can’t recall. At any rate, the final course is a lover on a plate. I think the Italians would have made up or shot each other ? Eh I dunno. Have I mentioned my ISFP wife is half French Canadian
half Italian?


The cook, the thief, his wife, and her lover.


#494

Just saw some chick searching through this app…it’s like guys with their shirts off??? And then she was looking at their profile and gps location??? And sending them messages??? She was flipping through them so fast! What is this? Is this tinder that the kids talk about??


#495

Yes I believe you have found the Tinder as they call it…

Seeking advice: When someone tells you he believes you guys went too fast is that a soft rejection or a sign you should leave? Because it seems like he does care but at the same time is it enough…but if you haven’t figured yourself out yet, would you rather your object of affection stick around or leave for good?


#496

Good question. I think you should not think about it too much. Someone literally needs to tell me, “I don’t like you, please disappear.” If I get anything else, it’s a green light. Ha.

Also, I need to know more. Went to fast with what?

Also, your last question - sometimes life and situations aren’t so easy. They aren’t always black and white. Fears, backgrounds, morals…these all dictate our actions.

If you want to know for sure, ask him. Say, “Hey, I’m sorry that we moved a little too fast for your comfort level, but I need to know if you are still into hanging out and getting to know me.” I dunno…something like that.


#497

Loooll I need to make what you just said my motto…I get so scared that it’s so obvious I care too much about people that I could scare them off so I’m really sensitive to things that could look like rejection…arghhh!!!

We got super flirty and touchy super quickly which I think startled him…

See the thing is I know he likes me but does he like me enough?? He’s also freaking awful at text communication and following through though which really annoys me because we can never see each other unless we text…

(End rant :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:)


#498

I think we may need to call in reinforcements.

I call upon the one who is newly named ENFJ type 3 thingy, @air and the one who drives the super mini uber, @johnonymous. Show yourselves. Come forth to help this fair maiden in her quest to find true love or at least someone to play with.