I was thinking about sadness and thought to check in on the forum for a discussion on it. Only to see that @Blake was musing about it recently too!
I was walking home today and thought, “Wow, I have learned how to compress sadness into a tiny box inside of me. Mine is a compressed sadness. I have felt all the sadness there is to feel.”
I am going through a very trying time in my life. I should be sad. I think I am, but in a detached way. Not like I used to be. I wonder if I am so strong now that I will not crack under this pressure? Not even shed one tear? It is as if I am sad but I have taken this sadness and compressed it and stored it away deep inside of me. It doesn’t reside in my throat like it used to.
It is a different detachment than I have had in other times of great stress. A few years back I was so sad that I dissociated from my body. This time I have not dissociated. I am able to feel. I was listening to music earlier and I felt joy. I was talking with a friend and we were laughing and I felt joy. But my mind will not let me sit in my sadness like I used to. As soon as I feel it I compress it and store it away. The overarching and predominant emotion in me all things considered should be sadness but it is not.
So much of my identity has been centered on my capacity to feel great sadness. The long-suffering, sensitive artist whose melancholic depths no one could ever understand. I don’t want that anymore. I have no desire to entertain sadness inside of me anymore.
Is this growth or signs of an unhealthy coping mechanism?