Despite Satan’s best efforts at sucking all the joy and light and laughter and silliness from the world when he unleashed His Coronavirus Nightmare upon the Earth, there remains a small spark of the Spirit of Joy that refuses to submit to the forces of Despair and Misery.
Perhaps Satan miscalculated by confining millions of people to their homes for who knows how long? A staggering one fifth of the global population, or 1.7 billion souls, are now under lockdown and the numbers are rising daily.
Months from now, Satan will be expecting hordes of pale, trembling victims to shuffle slowly from their hovels, wasted into near-skeletons from malnutrition or morbidly obese from a permanent diet of junk food and soda pop.
And those will be the lucky ones; many more will have become clinically insane from binge-watching way too many crass soap-operas or reality-TV-celebrity-nightmares.
Others will have cracked under the immense strain of spending all those months confined in cramped living quarters with hated or profoundly annoying relatives, or slobbish and obnoxiously smelly flatmates. Sooner or later, Satan mused, even the most gentle and patient of souls must surely lose control and go berserk; bludgeoning the offenders to death using stockpiled cans of tomatoes (or if American; annihilating everyone and everything in range with lethal semi-automatic weaponry or flamethrowers or tactical nukes or whatever in an escalating cascade of murder/suicide rampages of epic proportions).
Saddest of all, perhaps, will be those who perish unmourned and unloved as a result of their immoral and unwise choices of what to stockpile prior to the lockdown. Few will shed a tear for the selfish imbeciles who failed to understand that a diet consisting solely of toilet paper and hand sanitizer was unlikely to sustain their bloated bodies and fat heads through the long, lonely months of enforced isolation. I’m glad I won’t be there to witness the look of appalled horror cross their piggy faces, when they finally realise that they’ve doomed themselves to endure nightmarish and agonising deaths solely through their own greed and stupidity. Ain’t Karma a bitch?
But Satan made a fatal error by not considering the creative ingenuity of thousands of tech-savvy nerds who no longer have jobs to occupy their restless brains. What else is there to do for millions of short-attention-span millennials with killer IT skills and low boredom thresholds in order to distract themselves from their nagging spouses or the pathetic wails of their needy and starving offspring? Other than porn. And more porn.
But even porn will lose its appeal when the only new content available under lockdown conditions, will be restricted to the amateur efforts of other nerdy millenials with the requisite IT skills and video equipment.
Who but the truly depraved would want to watch a bunch of unattractive, sweaty, unwashed, hairy, malnourished, weedy individuals having sex with each other (or more likely just themselves)? Who’d want to listen to their increasingly desperate and profoundly disturbing grunts, or watch the swirling madness growing in their beady eyes as the long months drag on and on and on?? Not I, that’s for sure!
And so an increasing number of tech-heads will once more turn to their computers and tablets, no longer in seach of porn, but to create, refine and distribute a growing body of ingeniously dark and witty (and extremely silly) memes and gifs and YouTube videos in order to relieve their ennui and raise the spirits of the demoralised multitudes of the Earth.
Sooner or later, the restorative powers of ironic humour and relieved laughter will spread even faster than the plague which led to the fall of Humanity in the first place, reigniting the Spirit of Joy as a beacon of hope: to lead the way out of the Darkness and take up arms in the fight to overthrow Satan’s tyrannical regime…
Never before in the History of our Race has the stark and terrifying prospect of months (and possibly years!) of enforced Boredom and Ennui pressed so heavily upon the Living, my friends! This is a power and force that, once unleashed, will grow and expand and thrive until even the teeming Hordes of Hell will be overwhelmed and defeated!
And by way of proof, all it took to awaken the Primal Archetype of Fear Unending and kickstart the Revolution was to place a few severely ADHD-afflicted victims of the Information Age under lockdown for a handful of days: