Part 1: The Sensors
ESTP: Heavy Fighter.
Benefits: Can use all blunt weapons and swords. High strength, physical defense and magic resistance. Immune to most status effects. Has increased mass, making “Shove” skill useless. Is in original party with hero, as childhood friend, and stays through to end. Positive, buoyant personality.
Problems: Rocks for brains, meaning that you will have to tell him when the enemy is actually dead, or he may continue to whack it until he collapses from exhaustion. Relatively high stats to start, but stats max out early, especially compared to N comrades. No ability with magic, because it’s ‘for pussies’. Vulnerable to confusion caused by Enchantress’ “Shiny” attack, and to all female opponents – DO NOT USE IN BATTLE AGAINST SORCERESS OF ELZABOND, OR YOUR WHOLE PARTY WILL DIE. Will get the hero through early trouble, but, by the time end boss is reached, Heavy Fighter is completely useless, unless changed to special “Gangster” class.
ISTP: Kung Fu-ist
Benefits: Excessive work-ethic yields extremely high stats, and the capability of maxing all martial arts skills, including the famed “Triple Eagle Snake Claw” attack that no other character can use. Cheap equipment yields higher bonuses than for other characters. Only character that can operate the Airship.
Problems: If weapons are equipped, the ISTP becomes distracted by them and may not attack at all, preferring instead to fiddle with or otherwise monkey with said weapon. Attacks with a high “Philosophy” attribute, especially those used by the Orang Wu-Tang Clan do extreme damage and typically kill the ISTP in the first round. Recruiting is extremely random and difficult; talking to the ISTP 100 times might yield no response. There is some evidence that the ISTP is, in fact, really an NPC Weapon Shop owner. Weak to “Karaoke” attack that some monsters have in the music box forest.
Benefits: Free room at house for sleeping and recovering. Will provide potions when supplies run low.
Problems: Not actually a playable character. Has only 3 lines, “Welcome home dear.” “How did you sleep?” and “Oh no! You’re low on potions! Have some!” In a poignant turn of events, the ISFJ is killed in chapter 3 when the demon-dragon knights of Gordnax burn the town to the ground.
ESFJ: Lady Barbarian
Benefits: Although not as hot as the ESFP, still pretty darn hot, and possesses much higher stats. Most equipment has the word “Bikini” in it – the pink “Bikini sword,” the hot pink “Bikini Axe,” and the hotter pink “Bikini Bikini.” Proper combinations of pink can cause temporary blindness. Has special “Beserk” skill that is triggered when enemies do inappropriate things, as judged by the ESFJ, which grants an insane 5000% stat boost, and kills the offender instantly. When in “Beserk” mode, can walk straight to the end of any dungeon, through walls and over pits, if necessary. “Beserk” can be combined with the “Bait” skill, which causes the ESFJ to strike suggestive poses, to ensure fatality for all enemies – even the final boss.
Problems: “Lecture” command, which makes hovering suggestion bubbles over all menu selections, is pretty much active from the moment of ESFJ recruitment. If any character is caught looking at ESFJ’s copious physical assets, that character is immediately ejected from the party – this means that ESTPs will not be able to be in the same party at all. “Beserk” can also be triggered by player actions – for this reason, it is recommended that ENTPs not be included in any battles involving ESFJs.
ESTJ: Brute Barbarian Economist
Benefits: High strength, High Resistance to Magic. Has “Poach” skill that allows enemy animals, or pets in town, to be turned into saleable skins/furs. Good with guns and bows, and receives a 20% damage boost when attacking anything living. While in party, everyone is immune to “Confuse” and all thieving skills. Comes with free “Accountant” skill that yields compound interest on gold held for more than 5 turns of combat.
Problems: Cannot be teleported with rest of party, because of belief that teleportation is ‘nonsense’ and ‘poppycock.’ Instead, the party will have to wait for him to arrive on foot, wherever it is they went. Cannot do damage to magical enemies or the undead, as these sorts of enemies do no exist. Higher-level ESTJs will trigger the ISTJ “Whine” skill if the player purchases items or weapons too frequently. Stat boosts and bonus experience are turned down, on the grounds that these are not necessary for a ‘Real Hero.’ Not recommended to be combined with ENTPs or ENFPs, as it auto-equips the Obligation Leg-iron on the ENTP, and causes the ENFP to spontaneously combust.
Benefits: High agility and intelligence, and has unusual skill set. Stat increase by 50% when allies are in critical state. Can learn intermediate wrestling, rangering, thieving, or mage skills. Gives a +20% stat boost to any characters of the opposite sex that are in the party. Immune to “Siren” skills and ENFP Sorcery, but gives +20% stat boost to INFP magic.
Problems: Will sometimes inexplicably kill self, or quit adventuring to settle down with immobile spouse to raise pigs. This can only be avoided by not talking to any NPCs while ISFP is in party, making quests, staying at inns, and shopping difficult. If in same party as INFJ, will provoke INFJ to constant “Rage” state, and will likely be killed in the process.
ESFP: The Character with the Boobs
Benefits: Boobs. Only character that gets outfit changes, with the highest-level outfit being the “Holy Bikini Corset.” Only character that increases defense stats by increasing amount of exposed skin. Special ‘Jiggle Joust’ attack can be easily repeated, over and over again. The only character that can level up outside of combat – any action that cause the ESFP to bounce, jiggle, or otherwise be exposed grants free experience points. Highly resistant to magic attacks, as that stuff is just ‘nonsense.’
Problems: Aside from magic immunity, not a very strong character, with lower-than-average stats (~30%). All outfit upgrades reduce intelligence exponentially, eventually resulting in an inability to eat, walk, or use basic tools. Because of aforementioned benefits, however, most players will consistently include this character in the party, meaning that recruiting an ESFP amounts to a 30% stat penalty for the entire game.
Benefits: Early intelligence boost and decent intermediate magic skills. Gets extra random items at the end of each battle, which may be quite high in value. Has special ‘Detect Thief’ skill that prevents ‘Pickpocket’ and other thief skills from being used on party. Once recruited, will stay in party for good.
Problems: Cannot learn new skills – only skills available are those that the ISTJ starts with. If player engages in any sidequest, ISTJ’s hidden “Whine” skill will become active, bringing up a whiny dialogue box every five steps the player takes, which can only be cleared by a combination of five button presses. “Whine” is also activated if player does not have item inventory organized, or sells an item that the ISTJ had in their own inventory. Cannot be used at the same time as any NT (except INTP), because “Whine” goes into overdrive mode and crashes the game. While early stats are much higher than N counterparts, later N stats are significantly higher.