How would an INFJ with abandonment issues deal with insecurities about his ENTP fiance’s sexual fidelity?
She gets bored easily. Her track record is a handful of boyfriends without substance, mostly because of the sex… ending in her being divorced with 2 kids born a year apart.
Somehow me and her just clicked. It was a love I’d never experienced before, after having gone through divorce myself from a loveless marriage…
She really seems committed, to monogamy with me, honesty, and total fidelity. But I still have doubts that she would one day do something reckless if I drive her over the edge. Or out of boredom. And the fact that her sexual attraction for Me is insatiable obviously dosen’t make things any easier.
Am I being an idiot? I need some brutal honesty and relentless cross examination here…
You need to decide if having doubts is okay. Everyone has doubts, no doubt. But it’s all about taking a leap of faith and knowing that no matter what, the journey is worth it. How long have you been together? Have you talked to her about this?
We met about 5 years ago while both going through divorce. After a year she pushed for us to move in together, and she stayed a year before we ended badly. This is our round 2 and it seems a Lot more real this time. We’ve been dating for about 7 months now and talking seriously about marriage. Thing is… when she got back in contact with me this time, she was in a relationship with another guy. I knew she was seeing someone while getting closer to me. She eventually told me when she felt ready to break it off.
So yeah… this is sounding worse and worse the more I put it into words. But I’m still on the fence. I kinda need her fun loving personality in my world because it’s really good for an INFJ like me. But the question is, how much should I be willing to accept and settle for, before I get totally reduced to an emasculated cuckold.
I have. I’ve told her I have a huge trust issue with ‘us’, and why so. She’s tried to reassure me and give me her word that she wouldn’t ever do something to jeopardize us in that way.
I believe she’s being completely honest and sincere. But I know the frailty of human nature and its tendency to forsake loyalty and honour when the heat is on. And I know her reckless impulsivity and how she reacts in such situations.
I’ve battled my intuitions about this over many a sleepless night, and each time reaching the point of willfully letting go of the doubts, and accepting the possible reality of what my gut says WILL eventually unfold.
Well, that sounds good! …partly
It’s good that you’ve accepted a negative thing as a possibility. Or rather, something that will happen. I think you know this life is too short not to surround yourself with people who make you feel good. And that’s why I think this whole thing is difficult for you. You’re afraid of the probable hurtful future, but you can’t see yourself without her. Just to hit you with some reality - you can love another just as much and twin flames don’t always end up together.
First thought? Get out. But that may sound harsh.
Second thought? Stay but don’t get married. See how it goes. Accept that something might happen for the worse, but that happens even without that sort of history.
Also don’t put pressure on someone to provide you with what u feel you’re missing, and as @Ankh says twin flames don’t always [have] to end up together.
Thanks guys. It’s amazing how quickly my mind alternates between trust and despair for this love. Never experienced this kind of thing before.
As for having motives of changing a lover or making her my missing piece, I wouldn’t think that’s what’s happened. On the contrary, I’ve had to incrementally drop my standards and expectations for her… due to the paranoia of possibilities here.
Fuck my life.
Anyway I let my Fe loose, and typed out some affirmations for myself. Makes me feel like a martyr… but check it out:
Interesting situation—I can’t really comment on it since there is so little an outsider really knows about another person’s situation. But I will tell you what I have learned in general. I am in a 6 years relationship with an ENTP. Infidelity, lying and immaturity definitely characterized the start of our relationship. We are both older than you. ENTP—INFJ relationships are very complicated. Primarily because when you do a cost benefit analysis, they usually come out with an indecisive answer. They provide enough benefit and it is such a unique benefit that often the cost is worth it—-but just barely so your intuition can’t make a clear decision on whether to stay or leave.
The advice I would give to you is do NOT get married , buy a house or become too tangled together until you have been together for at least five years. Then you will know if she is able and willing to grow, mature and change and she will by then have figured out if she loves you. If so, it can be a relationship of major growth and health for both of you and has possibility for the future. If her problems (ENTPs can easily be sociopathic) are endemic and she is unable/willing to change, I would hope that your self preservation instinct will kick in over time and get you out of the relationship. Give it five years, seriously.
Second, learn to not depend on an ENTP emotionally for anything. They cannot be your rock, your stability, your source of comfort. That is not what they are good for. They provide growth, logical and pragmatic input, creativity, fun, etc. A relationship with one can be extremely beneficial for an INFJ but make sure you understand what you are getting. They need a lot of freedom to go away and come back, over and over again.
They can be just as complicated as an INFJ but in a very different way—Ne vs. Ni. They make decisions with Ti which is completely hidden and you will never know what choice they will end up making based on their words—watch their actions and ignore their words—I love you is very easy for them to say without any real commitment. Relationships are something they try on until they find one that they want to “wear” permanently. If they keep coming back eventually they will realize they love you and you will end up with some sort of commitment. If not, you will hopefully get some growth and new perspectives on life out of it. Best of luck!
That’s very beautiful. She’s very lucky to have someone so curious, inquisitive and willing.
I read and first thought ‘drama!’ as I continued I thought ‘oh, that’s me?’ Or at least echoes some of what I resonate with and some that my other half has described as me.
Maybe we all have a bit. Or not.
You know best what to do. Just follow your gut. Stay strong, stay you.
Man I am so glad my ENTP is my brother. I can tell him where to take his shit and he’ll come back and apologize… but it is because I have been very patient and loving with his maturing, on his side as best I can but I am also much older than him. Patience, so much patience is needed, but I think you need to stand your ground now. If they think they can get away with shit, they will. In my experience they do what they want and you have to walk up to them and say HEY, NOT COOL! There is some crap that is okay, and some that is not. You get to decide how you want to live and be treated. There are a lot of women in this world and abuse is not actually something you have to abide.
Honesty is one of those things ENTP need from you, your being a person in yourself worth considering, that and your Fi. Now is the time to talk back to her, disagree with her, and be yourself, and have needs. DO NOT set her up to expect something from you that you WILL tire of living up to. If you do think you love her, show her who you really are. If you can’t do that or she can’t take it, I think it is a very bad idea to marry and possibly even to continue, but that is up to you.
I was also going to suggest not getting married for a while. I agree with @Impossibletobe. She says give them time to decide. I would also give yourself that time to decide too.
Was also going to suggest living with her again if you think you want to go ahead… nothing like every day madness to test folk. But maybe not till she’s seen a fair deal of your NOPE side.
Yup. Totally agree. Very beautiful sentiments in previous post jaryd (I thought so at least) but definitely need to be able to be you in a relationship. I think this was my light bulb moment and main requirement for me which led to my current relationship (11yrs now). I just wanted to be me even if I didn’t really know what that was at any given moment, I wanted the freedom to explore myself, stand up for myself, be taken seriously as well as pocked fun at and still be loved all the way through. But this only worked for me with someone who was also strong enough to say ‘no’ to me too. No one likes a push over.
He prefaces his post with the fact that what he’ll say will make him look like a martyr. And he’s absolutely correct. I’m just sharing my opinion and my feelings here, because jaryd had enough balls or angst to make this thread with - “Am I being an idiot? I need some brutal honesty and relentless cross examination here…”
What’s interesting is you, jaryd, first introduced your gf as someone who has fidelity issues and uses you for sex and a distraction from kids (my honest opinion). The longer “affirmation” post, opens a whole other can of wtf. You shouldn’t be typing this before marriage. I would accept a post like yours after 5-10 years of marriage.
No one is perfect. Everyone, even more so, women have a crazy-side to them. They can’t help it. But that doesn’t mean you can’t hold them to the same accountability you would to anyone in any relationship. @jaryd, don’t be a martyr. Why? What for? How does that help you or her? Maybe you mean, sacha, that his recognition for ‘inconsiderate’ is expert-level. But that doesn’t do shit. When I was reading your long post jaryd, I thought, “wow, the sex is that good, huh?” That’s brutal honesty. Like @Impossibletobe pointed out, we don’t know you or your gf intimately. It’s not us in the relationship. At the end of the day, only you decide what you can and can’t do. We all make choices everyday. None of us are “stuck” in a position. We choose to be there.
If you choose to be a martyr, that’s one thing. But if you think you have to or that you must because (you believe) you two are twin flames, then you may have an unhappy life. You may have a happy one making the same decision. No one can tell the future. You make the choice. But when you paint this picture of your relationship with what you call affirmations… it looks like shit to be honest. You’re playing the INFJ card and it’s just sad. You’re making it look all poetic and romantic. I found this statement of yours most pathetic which is your last sentence: “stop expecting perfection.” This made me laugh because I thought - Oh, so there’s no in-between? You tell yourself what love is. And to me, it looks like it’s all giving. “love is accepting her imperfections and giving her freedom to breathe, to beat, to live, to leave.” Wouldn’t you, shouldn’t you want her to love you the same way you love her?? You said you were in a loveless marriage. Are you looking for the same thing? Don’t confuse understanding for complacency.
Disclaimer: I just want to be clear, all the story we have is what you have so far typed, which we know is not the entirety of the story. So, the reaction and opinion you see from me is solely based on what you’ve typed out. Just keep that in mind before you call me a judgemental bitch.
Oo that’s more like it! Lol. Yes I agree with what you say. I don’t think it’s bitchy comments, Jaryd is prepared for honest feedback I think?
Just cause I think Jaryd has a beautiful way of expressing doesn’t mean I agree with playing into the martyr game.
In fact relationships seem to be the only area of life that I’ve always been very clear on my boundaries, wants etc. Never really bought into drama or games when it comes to relationships. Clarity and genuine love doesn’t mean boring though.
Anyway dunno where I’m going with my thoughts now. Think I’ve said what I have to say! Good to hear yours too Ankh!
As one of the “colder” INFJs here, I feel like I can’t really give good advice or input when it comes to love/relationships. BUT, I agree with the general sentiment here (Ankh’s, Impossibletobe, etc…). Also, I hope this whole ideal INFJ-ENTP pairing idea isn’t what’s contributing (at least partly) to all the rationalization and idealization going on here. First of all, I don’t know your parter, but she does not sound like ENTP to me. I know some ENTPs can have issues with fidelity, but many of the things you wrote here simply don’t match with typical ENTP behavior. Doesn’t correspond to ENTP psychological makeup or core principles at all…Sounds more like a very petulant ENFP or an ENFJ with some serious runaway ENTP/Ne-id problems. But who am I to say?
Anyways, it doesn’t matter what this person’s type is in the end. Theory can only get you so far. What matters is your own experience: your personal dynamic with the woman, the objective data you have at the present, and how you truly feel. I never see reservations as a good thing. Slight reservations, OK fine, happens. But my impression is that you’ve got some pretty big reservations.
Your post is the “INFJ Man in Love” to Blake’s “INFJ Woman in Love.”